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Hollywood Jumps Onto the Anti-Gwyneth Bandwagon … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

Gwyneth Paltrow

Star

Hollywood Turns Against Gwyneth Paltrow: Paltrow was the pink-dress princess of the ’90s, “earning rave reviews for her performances in Flesh and Bone and Sliding Doors.” You mean Emma and Se7en. “She dated heartthrobs like Ben Affleck and Brad Pitt, who called her ‘my angel’ and even proposed to her. And she won an Oscar for 1998’s Shakespeare in Love. She was the ultimate Hollywood golden girl.” BUT. “But somewhere along the line, Gwyneth let all that success go to her head.” That was at the beginning of the line. Now “she has gained more notoriety for her shamefully out-of-touch comments — often bashing the film industry and American culture or preaching about her over-the-top healthy lifestyle — than for her acting career.” But that’s what she wanted! Gwyn “has always been pretentious, but over the past few years she has gone from pretentious to just unbearable.” Gwyneth was once a removed icy presence, but in 2008 she started “Goop, her lifestyle website and newsletter that regularly touts the merits of $800 designer leather iPad cases, impromptu trips to Morocco to stay in converted palaces, and all-natural organic everything, from food to skincare products.” But people need to knowwwww! Goop has been called “too elitist,” full of recommendations for frivolous items that are “way too expensive.” Gwyneth “grew up privileged, after all” and doesn’t understand that she’s out of touch. Let them eat gluten-free cake! Goop has “more than a million subscribers” who love following Gwyneth on her journey to make “life interesting, finding the balance between cigarettes and tofu.” Gwynnie says she is a study in contradictions. “I use organic products, but I get lasers.” She means on her face, but how cool does it sound? SHE GETS LASERS.

She did the Iron Man movies as a favor for her dear, dear friend Robert Downey Jr., but has alienated most power players in Hollywood. Former friend Madonna spills “she has never met anyone as superficial as Gwyneth and that her condescending attitude was unbearable. If you are acting more arrogant than one of the world’s biggest pop stars, you clearly have issues.” Word. Gwyneth shaded Reese Witherspoon by saying, “You see her in something like Walk the Line and think, ‘God, you’re so great!’ And then you think, ‘Why is she doing these stupid romantic comedies?’ But of course it’s for money and status.” You mean because studios mostly don’t make any movies starring women other than shitty romantic-comedies. Reese “couldn’t care less” and “joked about how the woman who made Shallow Hal really has no place giving career advice to anyone. Reese also points out that Iron Man isn’t exactly Citizen Kane.” THE PLOTS ARE QUITE SIMILAR, THOUGH. Jennifer Garner “compares Gwyneth to the mean girls in high school” but I mean she would, because Gwyneth fucked your man. Paltrow “posts $5,000 shirts on her website and acts as if she is appealing to mainstream America, but really she caters to only rich people.” It’s aspirational! Behind her back are whispers about how she and her husband Chris Martin “are so seldom seen together that many believe their marriage is a sham.” They have a pact not to appear on the red carpet together! It’s for their childrennnnnn. Gwyneth claps back “I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.” OK.

New Rumors That Justin Bieber Is a Baby Daddy: “Justin Bieber and his crew stopped into a South Beach TGI Fridays to kick back after his Miami Beach concert earlier that night.” TGI SWAG. “Justin met a 25-year-old European woman at the restaurant, invited her back to his hotel room, spent the night with her and got her pregnant!” She met up with him at “the Gansevoort South hotel later that night.” The woman “gave birth to a baby girl later that year, and Justin didn’t know anything about it. She just wanted to protect her baby.” She showed Star the incriminating text messages from Justin that say “thanks 4 last night you cracked me up ;) funny AND drop dead gorgeous! maybe i’ll see u one day – J” and “Our little secret?” Justin, who was rumored to have fathered a child once before, has been warned to wrap it up for his future one-night stands. The child’s mother has no desire to get money from Justin, even though he is a millionaire. “She won’t be asking for a penny from him.”

Beyoncé Is an H&M Sweatshop Queen: In light of Bey’s deal with H&M, Star takes H&M to task for its despicable labor practices. Suddenly so socially minded, Star! “Sometimes we are required to work from morning to morning. They say we are in a hurry.” This is according to 22-year-old Cambodian factory worker Srey Nit. “Horrendous hours are just the tip of the iceberg.” Beyoncé should have done her research and seen the awful conditions, and then boycotted H&M. “Tragically, most people know nothing about the conditions under which H&M and other clothing brands are produced. Charles Kernaghan, director of the Institute for Global Labor and Human Rights, recently visited two H&M affiliated factories in Bangladesh: Rosita and Megatex.” Kernaghan says, “It was ridiculous. In fact, it was one of the worst factories we’ve seen. There was child labor, people were being beaten, cheated of their wages — and wages were very, very low. Male supervisors would constantly press young women to have sex with them.” YIKES, H&M. H&M “is the biggest buyer of clothing from Bangladesh, where a clothing factory collapse in April killed an unfathomable 1,127 workers in one of the worst industrial disasters in history. That epic tragedy came just months after a fire at another Bangladesh garment factory killed 112. At yet another Bangladeshi factory that produced knitwear for H&M, 21 workers died from fire in 2010 — a factory that H&M had earlier inspected and found to be in compliance with its code of conduct. The conditions in Bangladesh are not unique. During a two-day span in August 2011, 284 workers fainted at a factory in the Kompong Chhnang province of Cambodia — a factory that makes clothes for H&M.”

Star alleges that Beyoncé is ignoring the abuse of factory workers and even “dancing on their backs” in her new ad campaign for the fast-fashion brand. Beyoncé says, “I’ve always liked H&M’s focus on fun and affordable fashion.” But at what cost? Elizabeth O’Connell, the Fair Trade Campaigns Director for Green America follows H&M’s outsourcing to overseas factories, and comments, “Beyoncé has more power than she knows … she could have agreed to continue only if H&M agreed to change the working conditions of its overseas garment factories.” Props to Star for tackling an actual story. H&M has claimed they have “a commitment to making improvements on the ground” but “significant changes have yet to be seen.” Christa Luginbuhl, coordinator of the Clean Clothes Campaign, says, “A fashion collection cannot be ‘conscious,’ ‘sustainable,’ or ‘responsible’ if a producer denies garment workers the basic human right for a living wage.” AMEN. Beyoncé was paid multiple millions for the campaign while H&M sweatshop workers make less than 38 cents an hour, which means it “would take one of Queen Bey’s clothing workers 158,000 years to make what she did the moment she signed the contract.” And as a “Grown Woman,” Beyoncé can do better.

Kate Hudson: “I’m Still a Star!”: Hudson is pulling a Gloria Swanson. “Once upon a time, Kate Hudson was one of the hottest up-and-coming actresses in Hollywood, but after years away from the limelight” and countless rom-com bombs “Tinseltown seems to be icing her out.” Hudson has decided that an appearance on Inside the Actors Studio is the way to respect, and that 86-year-old former pimp James Lipton is just the man to dole it out like Dolemite.

Amanda Bynes Trades Sex for Drugs: “In mid-May, Amanda was doing drugs with a friend after a night out at a New York City club.” The source says, “At her apartment we took Molly [high-grade ecstasy] and then smoked weed that had coke sprinkled on it.” That’s weird, I don’t remember any of that. “She was snorting lines on the counter. Amanda told me a few nights earlier she met a guy at a club who mentioned he had Molly on him.” HAS ANYONE SEEN ME? “Amanda didn’t have any cash, so she went back to his place and screwed him to give her the drugs for free. She was really excited that she didn’t have to pay but said he had a little dick, so she would never do that again.” Alright alright alriiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Jessica Simpson in Denial That Her Dad Is Gay: “Forget Cleopatra, Jessica Simpson is the new queen of denial, at least when it comes to her father’s sexuality. While most of the Simpson clan has accepted that recently divorced Joe is gay, Jessica is still trying to fix him up with eligible women. The family friend explains that even though Jess has tons of gay friends and is anything but homophobic, she just can’t seem to grasp that her father prefers men.” Her father has … grasped it.

Johnny Depp Begs Amber Heard to Stop Being Bisexual: “Johnny Depp may be one of the world’s sexiest men, but when it comes to girlfriend Amber Heard, the 49-year-old actor feels threatened — by other women! In a bid to get the openly bisexual actress to settle down, Johnny has been showering Amber, 27, with over-the-top gestures. After purchasing a sprawling $16 million estate in Nashville to cater to her love of horses, naming a beach on his private island after her and building a bar in her honor, Johnny gave Amber an ultimatum; Stop seeing other women or it’s over.” Whoa, he spent that much money on his young conquest? This is sounding very Behind the Candelabra. “After swinging both ways, Amber appears to have hit a home run!” Oh for god’s sake.

Reese Witherspoon’s Husband Jim Toth’s Ex Drags Him: “He wants people to think he’s a great guy, but he’s not.” The ex, who has asked not to be named, says, “it’s only a matter of time until he breaks the actress’ heart.” She says, “There is a whole other side to his personality that people don’t know.” The ex was much younger when Toth hit on her. She recalls him as “a slick-talking insider with an eye for naive girls new to the industry.” Hmm, yup that sounds like Hollywood. “Jim, now 42, happily used his age and industry knowledge to his advantage. He put on this front like he wasn’t like all the other backstabbing Hollywood agents, but I quickly realized he was. That’s why he is so successful at his mean job.” I mean, yeah. Ugh. “Jim’s former companion describes him as a slimy drunk who would throw poolside parties at his mansion to which he would invite other, younger women.” Again, sounds like Hollywood. Also, barf. “He had a closet where he kept bikinis in all different sizes so the girls could undress and get into his hot tub.” Why even bother having bikinis? Just pressure them into skinny-dipping, OBVIOUSLY. “He corrupted young women and sucked the life force out of them.” The ex says Jim “used to drunk dial me all the time. If I didn’t pick him up, the next day he’d call me and tell me that if he had driven home drunk he could’ve killed someone. Last time I checked, he was a thirtysomething man who had enough money to call a car service.” Jim Toth sounds like a real Don Draper in this piece.

Demi Moore’s Boyfriend Will Hanigan: “Will, who is a commercial pearl diver and adventurer from Australia, recently gave a subtle hint at the pair’s involvement.” Wait, he’s an ADVENTURER? “You could say I’m single,” Will said, “but it’s complicated.” Moore, 50, “feels better than she has in years and the main reason is Will. He is a breath of fresh air in her life. It’s been a short relationship but more intense than anything Demi has felt before.” Demi tells all her friends, “Will is the best sex she has ever had.” I’m sure she said the same thing about Ashton Kutcher and Bruce Willis. “And since it was revealed that Will had a pearl put into his penis as a teenager, Demi won’t have to dive very far to find her treasure!” LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Misc/Etc: “I haven’t known life to be happier” “Sounds like someone has Single White Female in her Netflix queue!” “Kate Winslet’s baby ship hasn’t sailed just yet!” “wasting his life and perpetually on drugs” “She’s been studying Miley’s every move” “NICOLE CRACKS THE WHIP” “He treats her like a princess” “she thinks it will mean their relationship is over for good” “Brandon was just 18 years old when he decided that phoning in a bomb scare to an automobile factory would be funny — leading to less-than-comical fallout” “Working as a telemarketer for a mortgage company in a Minneapolis suburb” “a bridal stylist from Orange County”

Us Weekly

Liam Hemsworth Dumps Miley Cyrus for Good: “Awkward doesn’t begin to describe the living situation at Miley Cyrus’ mansion in L.A.’s Toluca Lake. Once unable to keep their hands off each other, the singer and the man who proposed to her last June, Liam Hemsworth, are sleeping in separate bedrooms.” Cyrus, long devoted to making it work, has admitted to friends that the relationship is done. Liam was swayed into dumping Miley by his older brothers, who insisted he was too young to settle down forever. After the engagement, the couple began to grow apart. Then, Miley got her infamous haircut. “She was acting out. She felt somewhat neglected by Liam and wanted her presence known. The drastic makeover got Liam’s attention, but not in a good way. Liam always admired Miley’s independence. But this was more like rebellion, and it freaked him out.” Liam felt that “the sweet country girl he proposed to all but disappeared.” Also, she’s 20. “She has undergone a complete personality change. She’s basically thugged out.” WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? Hemsworth cheated on Miley with January Jones at an Oscar party, and Cyrus retaliated by “flirting with other guys.” Liam got tired of “the Miley show” and started spending more time with his family. His brothers convinced him to end the relationship. “Days after the split, Cyrus sought solace with her family. While watching American Horror Story with mom Tish May 23, she tweeted ‘Nothing a little MOMMY TIME can’t fix.'” She’s focusing on her new album and taking a pretty chill attitude about the whole thing (at least in public), saying “I’ve put too much into this record to put anything else in front of it.”

Katy Perry & John Mayer Are Back on: You thought it would end that quickly? Of course not. Perry “was leaving the window open for a reconciliation. More like a door: On May 27, Mayer, 35, tagged along with Perry friends Allison Williams and Ricky Van Veen to a Memorial Day barbecue at Perry’s Hollywood home.” A source says, “They’ve tried to remain on amicable terms. It was never a total cutoff.” That is because Katy Perry is completely and utterly dickmatized by John Mayer.

Things You Don’t Know About Pete Wentz (Excerpted)

  • “Halloween is my all-time favorite holiday. I will probably dress up forever.”
  • “I can’t watch scary movies. I cover my eyes or pretend I’m looking at my phone.”
  • “My heroes are ’80s wrestlers.”
  • “I play tennis almost every day.”
  • “I hate it when people touch the back of my neck.”
  • “I only dance when I think nobody else is around, and it’s always to thuggy hip-hop”
  • “I saved my toys from the ’80s for 30 years to give to [his 4-year-old son] Bronx.”
  • “Ordering coffee gives me crazy stage fright.”
  • “I enjoy art by José Parlá and Os Gêmeos.”
  • “My first crush was the Thunder Cats’ Cheetara.”
  • “I can get down with wearing a mask on my face and watching rom-coms.”
  • “In my house, we don’t say bad guys in movies are evil; we call them ‘troubled.’ For instance: ‘Darth Vader is just very troubled.'”

Will Arnett: “I’m not a monkey. I’m a 43-year-old man. I’m not going to the chicken dance on the 1 train.”

Taylor Swift on Justin Bieber & Selena Gomez (Jelena): “You do not want to open that can of worms.” TAYLOR IS SOOOO MIXXY.

Gwen Stefani: “My favorite part is getting the demo CD at the end of a session and blasting it in my car. I love to listen to it. I’m the only one still using CDs and everyone is panicked I’ll lose one. I’ve been lucky so far, though!” Also: “I’m really into white nails now.” OMG me tooooo. Gwen you are my Orange County Girl.

Zach Galifianakis: “If I always wanted to have my name up in lights, I would have changed it to DON’T WALK.”

Mindy Kaling: “Just because I want to kiss someone doesn’t mean I want to love that person, share a bed with him, remind him to take his Lipitor, tell him not to use so much salt or share one AOL account.”

Ryan Lochte: “I walk around with my shirt off and feel comfortable.”

Amanda Seyfried on Her Decreasing Bra Cup Size: “That’s what happens when you try to lose weight. It all comes out of the wrong place.” I’m a mouse, duh.

Misc/Etc: “Oh, I just got some confetti in my eye” “The first dress I try on wins because I’m always in a rush” “Sounds like that sensitivity chip is still missing” “I got burnt out and felt I was missing my opportunity” “Things are more complicated than ever” “There’s no crying in ballroom” “just in case any smaller humans get bored” “She carried her bump elegantly” “received a mini-football” “Keith Richards dined with Johnny Depp” “Will Smith and Alfonso Ribeiro did the Carlton dance in London” “Barbara Eden (with Bill Clinton)” “Singer DRAKE showed off his acting chops” “Nutty moment!” “Brown University awarded Ben Affleck an honorary doctor of fine arts degree” “They take selfies!” “They pet guinea pigs!”

In Touch

Kim Kardashian Gets Plastic Surgery While Pregnant: “My pregnancy lips are outta control!” wrote Kim, referring to her super-inflated mouth. “She’s still getting injections even though she’s seven months pregnant.” Kim has become “more neurotic than ever about her looks. She’ll do anything to be beautiful.” Kim “is horrified by her body so she keeps messing with her face instead to draw attention away.” What about Kimye? “Kim and Kanye aren’t having sex at this point.” Oh.

Ghosts Ke$ha Would Like to Have Sex With: “A dinosaur, Liberace, and Patrick Swayze.” FLAWLESS LIST KE$HA MY PERFECT GLITTER TRASH PRINCESS.

Morgan Freeman on Falling Asleep During a Press Conference: “I wasn’t actually sleeping. I’m a beta tester for Google Eyelids. I was merely updating my Facebook page.”

Eva Longoria Never Wears Underwear: “For Mario Lopez’s wedding, she went commando, was thrown in the pool and flashed everyone.” That sounds like Slater’s wedding. “Her close friends are getting annoyed because they think she only does it to get attention from men. And they don’t want that attention to come from their husbands!”

Misc/Etc: “Did he eat the Matrix?” “the men in my family are filthy individuals, so I’m a saint compared to them” “she sure ruffled Frances Bean Cobain’s feathers” “Ellen’s crawl of shame” “The back of my dress just popped” “He’s still called McDreamy for a reason!” “a manic-depressive poet who falls for a manic-depressive rapper” “up close and fur-sonal” “some pretty big pasta bowls to fill” “SHE’S LIKE THE WIND” “on the verge of giving a sidewalk peepshow” “chomping down on a supersize sandwich” “men couldn’t resist her” “She’s just getting used to be around guys in that way again” “Will I ever find a woman as good as mom?”

OK!

Kate Hudson Loves Gwyneth Paltrow: “A poll ranked Gwyneth Paltrow the Most Hated Celebrity in Hollywood, but don’t tell that to BF Kate Hudson, who helped launch her Goop site’s summer season May 21 at London’s Mark’s club.” Hudson, also a second-generation Hollywood blonde boho princess, says, “I look up to Gwyneth. She’s the real deal.”

Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson: “Kristen is extremely angry. She feels Rob has abandoned her.”

Kate Upton: “I love Mexican food. The taste is amazing. It reminds me of good times.” Me too, Kate Upton. Me too.

Misc/Etc: “She wanted the whole package: the house, the wedding and even the baby.” “You’d never know they’re competitors” “I HAVE BABY FEVER!” “And they even spelled ‘Galifianakis’ right!” “That would be so fun, to wear all the pretty clothes and twirl around” “Watch out or I might write a song about YOU!” “In Life Partners, she plays a lesbian slacker” “FORCED SMILES OF THE STARS!” “She’s just the most beautiful, spoiled, gorgeous creature on earth.” “TV magic coming soon!” “Foot massages, back rubs, french toast with strawberries and whipped cream” “Klueless komplaining runs in the Kardashian gang”