We come to you with hat in hand, swaddled in a tragically unfashionable sackcloth-and-ashes ensemble, to beg your forgiveness. It seems that we may have gotten a little carried away by the excitement of Tuesday’s dual album/baby release event and passed along some less-than-verified information regarding said offspring’s alleged name. In our defense, our intentions were nothing but pure: We wanted only to bring you the damn news-croissants as quickly as possible. But in our rush to deliver them as piping-hot and flaky as possible, we trusted the wrong-ass restaurant. The croissants have been sent back. There will be no charge. There may also be a coupon for free croissants at a later date, we’re working it out with the manager. Again, our apologies.
The baby’s name, it seems, is not Kaidence Donda West. In retrospect, we should have known. It was too simple, too elegant; the on-brand K, the nod to Kanye’s mother … it added up too neatly, and Kanye’s not a math guy, he’s a feelings guy. You can skip to literally any track on Yeezus and hear the unself-conscious outpouring of those feelings, often shouted through an AutoTune filter and echoing through the empty uterus-units of previous robot paramours in which his genius seed could never find purchase. It wasn’t going to be Kaidence Donda. How could we have been so stupid, so trusting?
Fast-forward to Thursday night. TMZ’s saying there’s a name. A different name. The real name. Dare we trust again? They claim it’s right there on the Cedars-Sinai birth certificate, and you can’t just write anything on a Cedars-Sinai birth certificate; there are professionals on duty, working in round-the-clock shifts, to discourage that kind of vandalism. But the name on that birth certificate, allegedly, according to TMZ, an organization that Knows Things, is …
Of course it is.
Unless it’s not.
Enjoy your croissants. They’re still pretty warm.