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‘Hercules’ Trailer: More Like ‘The Rock–ules’

In Brett Ratner’s adaptation of Steve Moore’s graphic novels, a fuzzily bearded Dwayne Johnson is going to murder a growth-hormoned lion, wear it as a hat/cape, then give us a new “THIS … IS … SPARTA.”

You still remember The Scorpion King? Dwayne T. Rock-Johnson’s big break from elbow drops into the land of movie magic, back in ’02? Great. Cherish that memory, because in 122 days, it’s going to be completely cleansed from your brain by the lethal testosterone spill that is Brett Ratner’s Hercules. (Or is it HERCULES? It might have to be HERCULES.)

In this adaptation of Steve Moore’s graphic novels, the (fuzzily bearded!) Rock is going to murder a growth-hormoned lion and wear it as a very chic/practical hat/cape. He’ll slay the requisite Cerberus and Hydra, with an extra dose of video-game boss-fight style. He’s gonna give us a new “THIS … IS … SPARTA!” along with SO many GIFs. He’ll even run through snow wearing basically just a loincloth, all so he can smash a mega-boar with a super-club.

The more I watch this trailer, the more I think it’s not just The Scorpion King that’s in danger, but Kevin Sorbo’s ’90s Hercules legacy itself. Which is unfortunate, because no one deserves to get Dean Cain’d by Brett Ratner.