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Grantland Reality TV Fantasy League: The Pizza of Destiny and a Slice of Defeat

This column is at its best when there isn’t much going on. The minutiae of reality TV are way more exciting than the big events that happen beyond it.

This column is at its best when there isn’t much going on. The minutiae of reality TV are way more exciting than the big events that happen beyond it. Case in point: This week we have a breakup on Vanderpump Rules, we have a “90-Day Fiancée” giving her man the worst introduction to pizza in the history of pizza, and we have the best application of man makeup in the history of man makeup.

You know what? We should start with the man makeup.

There Isn’t Enough Concealer in the World for Tom From Vanderpump Rules

When we last saw Tom, he was mushing Kristen’s new boyfriend, James, in the face. James is the second-least likable person in the world, Kristen is the first, and, oddly, Tom is the third. I’ll spare you the detailed explanation, but know that James is a model/DJ/busser, Kristen cheated on her boyfriend last season with Jax, and Tom got beat up by James. Don’t believe me? Check out Tom after getting beat up:

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The only thing more emasculating than losing a fight is having to apply the makeup after the fight. As he was mid-conceal, my wife blurted, “I didn’t know straight guys knew how to do that!” I had to explain that she was witnessing something special. Tom knows his way around a concealer pack the way that Lorne Michaels knows his way around 30 Rock. And as if Tom hadn’t denigrated himself enough by picking a fight, losing it, and then applying makeup in a single segment, he swiftly upped the ante.

Now, I love to watch people make fools of themselves on television. I think that’s why I watch so much of this bullshit — to make myself feel better. But there’s a point when they make such fools of themselves that the schadenfreude shrapnel becomes too much to handle. Like Tom’s post-beating teary video text.

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Homeboy sent a four-minute, bawling video text to the girl who hosted the party where he was beat up. If you think I’m being hard on this guy, you didn’t see him on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen. Andy hated him so much that he interrupted him twice and sneak-dissed him a couple dozen times. Fuck Tom.

Elsewhere on Vanderpump Rules …

Jax (né Jason), was kissing up on his girlfriend:

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Oh wait, no! He was kissing up on his girlfriend and then breaking up with her! His version of a breakup consisted of telling his girl he doesn’t want to see her anymore, having her eviscerate him about everything that is wrong with his, and then eating delicious pizza. Seriously, anyone who lives in Los Angeles and saw this episode spent zero time focusing on Jax’s “relationship” and all the time focused on where the hell they found delicious pizza in L.A. Look at this shit:

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Where do they sell pies like that in L.A.? Tell me and I will go there after my therapy session, yoga class, crystal consultation, and run in Runyon Canyon. I would date Jax just for a slice of that shit. Damn, I miss real pizza. WHO IS YOUR CONNECT, JAX? I have to know.

While we’re on the topic of pizza, I found a new show:

New Show: 90 Day Fiance

Have you heard of 90 Day Fiance? No? Well, guess what! It’s fucking weird! This show follows nine couples who — because of immigration laws — have a 90-day window to decide whether to get married. It is insane. There are people who obviously come to the U.S. with citizenship in mind and not a potential spouse, and there are couples who obviously are just trying to find an American home in this weird world where they can share their love. Yamir and Chelsea are clearly the latter. While most of the other couples seem mismatched and destined to fail, Yamir, a Nicaraguan pop star, and Chelsea, a regular American chick, seem to really love each other. The only problem was that when Chelsea was selling Yamir on the ol’ U.S. of A., she decided to lead with pizza:

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But she didn’t start with any pizza, she gave him this pizza:

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THAT IS NOT TYPICAL AMERICAN PIZZA, YAMIR, THAT IS GROSS OVER-CHEESED PIZZA. I mean, Jax from Vanderpump Rules wouldn’t even serve that pizza to the woman who he was breaking up with. Yamir, please, don’t leave because this pizza wasn’t what you thought it would be. Leave because you are a pop star in Nicaragua and there has to be a woman out there for you who knows what real pizza is.

And dear everyone else on this show: Citizenship isn’t worth dating someone you aren’t attracted to. You might think it will work, but it won’t. Any married person can sniff out a bullshit marriage, and there wasn’t a single couple on 90 Day Fiance who struck me as in it for the long haul. Yamir and Chelsea were our only hope, but Chelsea gave him this stringy-ass, super-chunky, over-toppinged pizza.

Would you marry someone who gave you pizza like that? I didn’t think so.

The Bachelor Trailer

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Look, this trailer — which I’m sure at least three dozen people worked on — means nothing. There’s zero communicated other than the fact that (a) Chris is a farmer (we knew that), and (b) women are after him (we knew that too). But I can’t sit here and act like it didn’t get me fired up. I love true love almost as much as I love television-manufactured true love. Can’t wait.

As always, listen to The Right Reasons, eat only the best breakup pizza, and enjoy the hell out of your weekend.