Huge column this week. We’ve got the annual “Bachelor Broads Breakdown” and the latest on Survivor as the show’s finale looms. I knew it was going to be a great week for the GRTFL when I walked into my house and saw my wife watching a show called After Shock: Heidi & Spencer. Yes, it was a “where are they now?” show about Spencer and Heidi. It was a reality show in which Spencer and Heidi had scripted conversations in planned environments about how their lives had been ruined by having scripted conversations in planned environments. It was amazing. I encourage you to watch it, and I encourage all educational institutions to add it to their curricula. You really should watch it, but in case you don’t, here’s the best part:
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SPENCER PRATT IS ADDICTED TO PIE.
Now let’s get to the ladies who will be making fools of themselves in early 2014. I’ve been in hiding for the past eight days, meticulously studying The Bachelor website to prepare for my annual breakdown. Here are the results. Disclaimer: The Internet is littered with actual information about these women, but I do my best to steer clear so that I can maintain my preferred mental state of ignorance.
The Bachelor Broads Breakdown
(Listed in alphabetical order.)
She kind of looks like she … has it all together on the outside but is masking serious “I will cut a bitch’s hair off while she sleeps” rage.
Best bio bit: She lists Titanic, Home Alone 2, and Elf as her three favorite movies. Think about spending your life with that person. Really think about it.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … is attractive, boring, and rarely speaks, but still comes off likeable. You know, like Juan Pablo.
She kind of looks like she … is one of Charlie’s Angels. From the first Charlie’s Angels, not from the Cameron Diaz Charlie’s Angels.
Best bio bit: A piano is one of the three things she would bring to a desert island. She listed it first.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … overplays the fact that she is a nanny and talks about Juan Pablo’s daughter the whole time instead of making out with him and “accidentally” rubbing her butt against him. Dummy.
Name: Amy J
She kind of looks like she … took four Adderalls:
Best bio bit: She loves the Fourth of July because “it’s so romantic.”
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … never stops smiling. Even when she gets voted off in the second episode.
Name: Amy L
She kind of looks like she … needs to iron her shirt.
Best bio bit: HER FAVORITE AUTHOR IS DR. SEUSS. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … (Sorry, I’m still laughing at the Dr. Seuss thing.)
She kind of looks like she … needed 25 takes to get an acceptable photo because she had to be taught how to smile.
Best bio bit: When asked what three things she would bring to a desert island, she answered: “My obvious choice would be a pilot, plane, and fuel. But if not, a fishing pole, a lighter, and a really long book.” So Andi will spend 15 minutes working on her tan and then board a private jet home while Alli is playing piano on the beach and starving to death. Andi over Alli erryday.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … talks about being a lawyer the whole time. When Andi gets some alone time in the first episode, she’s going to “cross-examine” Juan Pablo in a stupid role-play game. She may even get out of the limo in a powdered wig and gown.
She kind of looks like she … has a head that is a little too big for her body. Like after a shower, her body went through the dryer while her head hung on the line.
Best bio bit: Her favorite author is … no fucking way … it can’t be … DR. SEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSS.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … doesn’t say anything, and then in the 10th episode we are all like: “Who is that chick? Why is she still on the show, and how does her tiny body support her huge head?”
Name: Cassandra (The first name that doesn’t start with an “A”!)
She kind of looks like she … Who cares, she has NBA ties.
Best bio bit: What? She is a former NBA dancer? Stand by, I have to Google her. First off, be careful Googling The Bachelor stuff, because there are spoilers everywhere. Reality Steve knows who wins this year, who becomes the next bachelorette, how many children you will have, who the next president will be, and the exact date that Dr. Seuss will rise from the grave and take over the world. The man is a warlock. Second, Cassandra is Rodney Stuckey’s Baby Mama. They have a 2-year-old son named Trey. So yeah, she is 21, has a 2-year-old kid with a pro athlete, and is on her second career.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … uses the fact that she is a parent to get over the whole “why would you want to get married at 21?” issue. Also, she will use her dancing ability. Juany Pabs loves to dance.
Name: Chantel (Does everyone named Chantel go on this show? I have never met a Chantel in my life.)
She kind of looks like she … was a dork in high school who figured out how to make it work for her after college.
Best bio bit: She is the second woman to list Home Alone 2 as one of her favorite movies. Am I the only one who preferred the original?
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … goes straight to the friend zone, has no chemistry with Juany Pabs, but stays around two episodes longer than she should so he doesn’t get rid of one of the two African American ladies on the first night.
She kind of looks like she … Whoa, she’s blonde. First one. Sorry, I got distracted. She kind of looks like she could play Kristin Chenoweth in a biopic.
Best bio bit: They ask the question “cold weather or hot weather?” Who answers cold? Who in the world prefers cold weather? What a dumb question.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … teams up with the other blondes. I have no idea why women do this. It makes no sense to me. It’s like being friends with someone because that person is wearing the same color shirt.
She kind of looks like she … hasn’t eaten a meal since 2011.
Best bio bit: Her listed occupation is “police support specialist.” Does this mean that she answers the phone when you call 911? Have you ever called 911? It’s a weird experience. They try to keep you on the phone forever and they tell you to calm down a lot. Dude, I just called 9-fucking-1-1 for a reason, I AM NOT CALM.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … has two glasses of wine and gets inslopsicated on the first night because she hasn’t eaten in a week.
Name: Christy (Third blonde in a row. Did Juan Pablo tell the producers, “I only like blondes if their names start with ‘Ch.’ Otherwise, make ’em brunettes”?)
She kind of looks like she … could be Jennie Finch.
Best bio bit: She says it takes her an hour and 20 minutes to get ready for a big night. Listen, sometimes it’s OK to stretch the truth a bit. No man wants to date someone who starts getting ready for a 7 p.m. dinner reservation at 5 p.m.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … reveals that she’s actually Jennie Finch and then starts hurling softballs at all the other chicks.
She kind of looks like she … is 32.
Best bio bit: Her bio includes the phrase, “I have never taken a vacation.” WHAT? Never. You’ve never gotten in the car and driven to the beach for one night? You’ve never gone on a school trip? You’ve never gone to Disneyland as a kid? I call bullshit. In fact, we can’t trust any of the testimony in her bio. Her name probably isn’t even Clare. Steer clear Juany Pabs. STEER CLEAR!
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … lies about her “connection” with Juany Pabs. I’d love if one season a chick came back from the first one-on-one date and just announced: “The date was great, the conversation phenomenal; at dinner we went to the bathroom and he went down on me. That was just OK though.”
She kind of looks like she … I’m just going to say it: She kind of looks like she’s one of the two ladies they cast so they could say they had African American contestants.
Best bio bit: She is a “psychiatric nurse.” That’s a real plus in a spouse. These folks take care of people for a living, so if you start to go crazy, they know exactly what to do. Plus, they can get you all kinds of fun pills. I’m all in on Danielle.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … ends up taking care of all these other crazy women.
She kind of looks like she … is a really, really, really attractive transvestite. Like, a really good one though.
Best bio bit: She’s from a town called Forty Fort. Who named this place, a 4-year-old? That sounds like somewhere I tell my wife I am when I don’t want to be bothered. “Not now, I’m in my Forty Fort!”
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … Who cares? I NEED TO SEE FORTY FORT!
She kind of looks like she … would be Chelsie’s understudy for the Chenoweth film.
Best bio bit: Malcolm Gladwell is her favorite author. Boy does Grantland have a treat for her today …
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … comes off as “the normal one.”
She kind of looks like she … is super sweet and Southern and kind and shy, but if you got her in bed, would make you put diapers on and call her mistress master mommy in a baby voice while she connected your nipples to a car battery:
Best bio bit: She lists her occupation as “dog lover.” I mean, I don’t even know where to start with her.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … Who cares? She listed her OCCUPATION as “dog lover.”
She kind of looks like she … dyed her hair red four years ago and has since completely adopted it as part of her personality.
Best bio bit: She has a cat named Bentley and her family names all their cats after cars. Run, Juany Pabs. Run. You cannot marry a woman who considers a Bentley a car; you want a woman who thinks a Bentley is that crazy woman who was on The Bachelor two or three seasons ago.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … shows off her four tattoos on the first night as an excuse to get kind of naked for Juan Pablo. Solid strategy, if you ask me.
She kind of looks like she … is 13 years old.
Best bio bit: She’s a “nursing home owner.” How do you “own” a nursing home three years out of college? If it’s your family’s nursing home, you don’t really “own” it in my book. You are no more an “owner” of it now than you were when you were a 2-year-old in your Forty Fort. Forty Fort makes me laugh way more than it should.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … doesn’t say anything the whole season and goes home the first night.
Name: Lauren H
She kind of looks like she … Wait, is that Brooke Burke?
Is that this year’s big twist? Tossing Brooke Burke into the pool and seeing if anyone notices? I’m all for Secret Celebrity Bachelor. They should do this every season.
Best bio bit: Her listed occupation is “mineral coordinator.” I imagine a mineral coordinator is kind of like a preschool teacher for rocks. “Cobalt, you get back here! Perlite, give Nickel his bear back, you know that isn’t your bear! Hold on a second Sodium Carbonate, I’ll zip up your coat once I am done with Sulfur’s.” I could be wrong though.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … turns out to be Brooke Burke.
Name: Lauren S
She kind of looks like she … is that future human everyone will be in 400 years when all ethnicities are one. It works for her.
Best bio bit: She farted in front of her fourth-grade class during show-and-tell and blamed it on another kid. I’m really digging Lauren S so far.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … farts and blames it on another girl.
She kind of looks like she … Who cares what she looks like? She lists her occupation as “free spirit”! FREE SPIRIT!
Best bio bit: She answered the question “Who do you admire the most and why?” with: “I admire my best friend Kate Upton for her thick skin.” WHAT? I mean, it can’t hurt to mention to Juany Pabs that if he marries you, Kate Upton will be at all family events. But “thick skin”? If I listed Upton’s top 100 attributes, “thick skin” wouldn’t even make the list. Actually, the list would just be “boobs” 100 times.
I have to mention a second thing from her bio: “Once I organized a 50-person, fully nude dance party on a beach in Mexico.” I love Lucy the Free Spirit so much!
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … gets blamed for Lauren S’s fart. And is naked the whole time. And is my favorite.
She kind of looks like she … is older than “24.”
Best bio bit: She described her “ultimate date” as a gondola boat ride. I thought it said “granola boat ride.”
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … plays the “Southern Belle” card (she’s from South Carolina) hard. It’s a great card on these shows: These women always come off all sweet even if they’re evil on the inside, like Emily was.
She kind of looks like she … is wearing the same shirt as all the other women. Are ruffles required for this shoot?
Best bio bit: She answered the question “What is your favorite type of dancing” with the question, “Is drunk dancing a type?” I love Nikki already. And yes, drunk dancing is a type.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … gets tired of chasing Juany Pabs around and makes out with Lucy.
She kind of looks like she … is wearing a Jabbawockeez mask.
Best bio bit: She’s a real estate agent on Martha’s Vineyard. Which seems like really easy, really competitive work. I bet there are, like, two real estate agents on Martha’s Vineyard, and I bet they talk wild shit about each other all the time.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … talks to Juany Pabs about how “immature” the other women are and she will be the first to accuse people of not being there for … wait for it … the right reasons.
She kind of looks like she … had a 20-minute argument that she eventually won with the stylist who insisted that she couldn’t wear black.
Best bio bit: She’s an opera singer. HUGE points. There’s a kabillion percent chance she doesn’t even get inside the house before she starts singing for JP.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … goes far. She’s hot, she’s an opera singer, she’s not dumb (her favorite author is Haruki Murakami, whom I had to Google), and she’s Canadian. Canadians are the best.
She kind of looks like she … dresses her man, doesn’t let him watch football on Sunday because they have to go to brunch with her sister, and works out twice a day.
Best bio bit: She lists Man on Fire as one of her three favorite movies. That’s like the opposite of listing Titanic. I could maintain a one-year relationship solely based on sex and watching Denzel Washington kill people. No lie, no lie, no lie ee aye ee aye.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … goes on a killing spree. Denzel style.
She kind of looks like she … could be the most attractive of the lot:
It’s hard to tell with these photos, though. They all wear the same thing, have the same hair, and have the same makeup.
Best bio bit: She lists “her independence” as her greatest achievement. So basically her greatest achievement is paying her own bills. Rich girl alert!
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … uses her Brazilian origins to relate to Juan Pabs even though he’s from Ithaca or wherever.
So yeah, there you have it. Just think: These women will be in our living rooms in basically a week (holidays don’t count). I’m so excited. I need to make sure Grandma is available on Monday nights to watch with me.
And now, the Survivor scoring:
Katie and Tina (Survivor, Jacoby and House), 5 points
After getting voted off last week, Katie headed to Redemption Island to join her mother, Tina, and Laura, the Michael Jordan of Redemption Island. I’ve said this before, but if you and your loved one are heading into a challenge where there’s a good chance one of you is going home, you should have a fucking plan. Especially if you’re going up against the Michael Jordan of Redemption Island.
This challenge played out exactly like we knew it would: The Michael Jordan of Redemption Island dominated and finished before Jeff had even explained the rules. That left Tina battling Katie, and Tina had a huge lead. The two of them should have crafted a plan in the event of this exact scenario, but instead, they had this conversation as Tina was about to win:
Tina: “Katie, are you OK with this?”
Katie: “It’s all right”
Tina: “You sure?”
Katie: “It’s OK. [Annoyed.] Go walk through.”
Tina: “I’m sorry.”
Now, you may think Katie gave her mother permission to knock her out of the game, but you’d be wrong. Whenever someone says “it’s all right,” they really mean “don’t you fucking dare.” And whenever someone says “it’s OK,” they really mean “Are you nuts? Of course not.” “All right” and “OK” are right up there with “I guess so” as the weakest affirmative answers one can give. Tina should have let her daughter survive and advance. I feel like this season of reality TV has really strengthened the mother-daughter bond between Ciera and the Michael Jordan of Redemption Island while ruining the mother-daughter bond between Tina and Katie forever (5 points for crying). Oh well.
Monica (Survivor, Simmons), 5 points
I’m starting to REALLY like Ciera. First, she flipped on Cult Leader Tyson at Tribal Council last week and became the Han Solo of the Anti-Tyson Rebel Alliance. Then, she went this week and snitched on all of the Mean Girls shit Tyson does behind Monica’s back:
Ciera: “Something I want to tell you, honest, is that Tyson is a villain in this game, and I know you don’t think so because you’re tight with him, but he was talking mad crap about you. And saying tons of things, and saying that you were going to be an easy vote and someone to bring in, and he said that you’re weak and that you’re paranoid and he said you’re a puppy on his leash and you will do whatever. He said, ‘Don’t worry, she’s my puppy, she’ll do whatever I tell her to do,’ and he will talk to you and be like, ‘Moni this …’ and he will just roll his eyes when you walk away.”
Now, this reveal made Monica cry (5 points), but it didn’t actually work. Still, I appreciate the effort and the fact that Ciera said “he was talking mad crap about you” like a Long Island high school cheerleader. I questioned Ciera’s move last week, saying it was more entertaining than effective, but she explained herself this week and kind of proved me wrong.
My accusation: Ciera would have been better off guaranteeing her spot in the game than becoming Han Solo.
Ciera’s solid counterpoint this week: “After the Tribal last night, I feel like this huge weight is lifted off my shoulders. I knew I was no. 4, so my mind just went, You know what, Ciera? This is the move. If it’s the move that sends you home, at least you went out trying to make a move versus riding to the four and not being able to say you even tried anything.”
Then, when Ciera won the Immunity Challenge, she chose to share her reward with Hayden, her Chewbacca. I also thought this was dumb, because it didn’t give her an opportunity to sway a vote from the majority three while munching on a meal.
My accusation: Ciera should have shared the reward with Monica and used that time to get into Monica’s head and sway her vote.
Ciera’s solid counterpoint this week: “I think the fact that I chose Hayden also shows the fact that we’re not scared. I’m not trying to kiss Tyson’s ass, and it’s the best feeling ever, and now that I know what that feels like, I’m going to be going for that every single time.”
Long live Han Ciera Solo.
Gervase (Survivor, Jacoby), 5 points
Every time someone says that Tyson controls the alliance, Gervase freaks the fuck out. I think it’s a pride thing. If you know the game, you know two things: (1) Being the perceived leader only pays if you make it far enough to plead your case to the jury, and (2) if you’re the perceived leader, you rarely make it that far. Gervase is in a good spot right now; he just needs to lay low. But his pride makes him fight vehemently against the notion that he’s the second fiddle. Look at what happened at Tribal when Ciera mentioned that Tyson controls the majority alliance:
Gervase: “There is nobody controlling this game. You guys keep throwing these words out, ‘controlling the game,’ so who is controlling the game in your alliance? Is it you?”
Hayden: “You can talk to Ciera about this.”
Gervase: “Is it you? Yes or no? Who is it then? It’s got to be one of you guys. Somebody has got to be in control over there [getting kinda mad], because if not, that’s the problem [getting really mad] AND THAT’S WHY YOURE GOING HOME. [Losing his shit.] ONE BY ONE. THAT’S WHY.” (Five points.)
I can’t wait for the Michael Jordan of Redemption Island to come back, team up with Ciera, sway Monica to the Girl Power alliance, and then push Ciera to the win. God, that would make me happy. Tyson still has that pesky Idol, though. Here’s a question I want you to answer in the comments: Would Survivor be better if Jeff stopped giving clues for the Idol once someone has found the Idol? I could go either way.
OK, enjoy your weekend, and don’t forget that the Survivor finale is Sunday. If you want to join me, I’m organizing a 50-person, fully nude dance party on a beach in Mexico.