Survivor is back, which means we finally get to introduce some new blood into the GRTFL waters this week. (Don’t worry, you’ll get your Challenge scoring update, too.)
Survivor: Blood vs. Water immediately gave us a hot doctor couple probably headed for divorce, the threat of assault with a deadly oar, a near drowning, a homophobe, a lady-robbing junkie, and, worst of all, wet socks. Tons and tons of wet socks. There’s little in life worse than wet socks.
As we always do when we add a new show to the GRTFL universe, we made up a bunch of dumb rules.
The Official GRTFL Survivor Rules
- No points for unintentional nudity
- All hookup points will be scored at triple value (the contestants deserve it for hooking up with someone who hasn’t showered in a month)
- Making a catty exit speech: 25 points
- Winning a “tie vote” challenge: 10 points
- Stealing or hiding food: 15 points
- Killing a mammal (no fish or insects!) and eating it: 15 points (only the killer gets the points)
- Receiving medical attention: 20 points
- Announcing that you are “in control of this game:” 5 points
- Accusing someone of eating more food than he/she was rationed: 5 points
- Being sent home with an unused Immunity Idol: -20 points
- Jeff Probst stops addressing you by your real name and starts using a nickname: 25 points (one time only)
- Claiming your real job gives you an advantage in the game: 25 points
- Crying at Tribal Council: 5 points
- Jury member making a contestant cry at the final Tribal Council: 20 points
- Getting injured in an Immunity Challenge in an unathletic manner: 15 points
- Having so much trouble swimming that it briefly seems like you might drown: 10 points
- Being unable to light a fire: -5 points
- Being unable to make fire in a tiebreaker: -5 points more
- Comparing another contestant to vermin at Tribal Council: 10 points
- Faking possession of an Immunity Idol: 10 points (one time only)
- Unsuccessfully hiding the Immunity Idol: 5 points
- Vowing to “teach these young people a thing or two”: 10 points
- Saying something that makes Jeff Probst raise his eyebrows: 10 points
- Winning the show: 50 points
- Losing so much weight that your image no longer registers on camera: 50 points
- Heavily flirting while your significant other is on the island: 15 points
- Voting for your significant other to go to Redemption Island: 20 points
- Threatening to divorce or break up with your significant other: 20 points
- Engaging in coitus with Rupert: 1,000 points (wife Laura exempt)
We also divvied up the desperate.
The Official GRTFL Survivor Teams
- Yoshida: Rupert, Kat, Vytas
- Jacoby: Colton, Gervase, Katie
- House: Tyson, Tina, Laura
- Litman: Candice, Marissa, John
- Simmons: Aras, Monica, Laura, Rachel
- Lisanti: Brad, Hayden, Caleb, Ciera
You really should play along with us. All you have to do is gather up some friends dumb enough to be into this sort of thing, set some stakes, and click this here link, and you’ll be racking up points as fast as our man Colton did in the first episode. This dude is a hot mess. Speaking of:
Colton (Survivor, Jacoby), 15 points
Colton was pure evil the first time he was on Survivor, taking a twisted pride in his immorality. But he has changed now, like, for real this time: “I don’t really know how people are going to respond to me,” he said during the premiere. “Last time I was like this big ball of anger. My goal apart from winning this season is to show a different side of me, the new Colton.”
New Colton went to great lengths to prove he’s nothing like Old Colton. New Colton has a boyfriend who loves him, and New Colton cries all the time (5 + 5 = 10 points), and New Colton is misunderstood. Let’s allow New Colton to explain: “When I played this game I had this mask on. I was mean to everyone, I was rude to everyone, I didn’t have kind things to say, and it was all because I was unstable. I am actually trying to find an opportunity to really try to explain to people and get them to understand me.”
To recap: Old Colton wore a mask, New Colton does not. Old Colton was mean, New Colton is not mean. Old Colton was rude, New Colton is not rude. Old Colton was unstable, New Colton is stable. Old Colton was misunderstood, New Colton just needs the opportunity to show his true colors so that he can be understood.
Well, New Colton got that opportunity in the premiere. It came in a boat. He got into an argument with Kat and he, you know, threatened to beat her with an oar. During a challenge. In a boat. Yep, that happened. Let’s go to the tape:
Kat: “Colton, you need to paddle strong. Paddle strong, Colton!”
Colton: “SHUT UP AND PADDLE! Before I hit you with this fucking paddle!”
And he was all up in her area:
Kat: “Oh heeeaaaaallll no.” (All the points to Kat.)
Colton: “Oh, I will.”
Now, it’s one thing to proclaim that you’re a changed man and then immediately threaten to beat a woman with an oar. I mean, that’s bad. But it’s another thing entirely to proclaim that you are a changed man, immediately threaten to beat a woman with an oar, and then reiterate that you REALLY WILL DO IT.
The fact is, Colton is evil. He can say whatever he likes about how he’s misunderstood, but there’s one thing that’s impossible to misunderstand, and that’s talking about beating a chick with an oar and then looking her dead in the eyes and saying, “Oh, I will.”
I can’t decide which is worse, Colton’s actions, or that I’m terrified he’ll get voted off. Probably the latter.
Jemmye and Camila (Challenge, Simmons and Yoshida, respectively), 10 and 15 points
Jemmye and Camila won the elimination challenge (10 points), but lost in the first leg of the final when they got stalled on a puzzle. This made Camila cry (5 points):
Jemmye rationalized the loss thusly: “We’re not going to see the rest of this final and it is just stupid. We have come this far and we wanted to see the whole final. There are definitely other parts that we thought we would kill at, and it is just our weakest thing is thrown at us first.”
Shout-out to Jemmye for recognizing that their “weakest thing” is using their brains. If there had been a leg of this challenge that involved flip-switching into a rage monster or getting a pelvic tattoo, the green team would have been golden. Alas …
Candice and John (Survivor, Litman), 5 and 20 points
Is there anything worse than a loving, gorgeous, healthy, successful couple? God, it’s impossible not to hate Candice and John. I mean, look at them, they’re perfect:
All snuggled up in the catamaran on their way to the island thinking about how they don’t actually need the million dollars because they’re doctors and they’re just going on Survivor for the life experience. Ugh. I was sitting first class onboard the Jealousy Hate Train until Candice was voted onto Redemption Island and Jeff offered John the opportunity to take Candice’s place, like Rupert had done for his wife, Laura. I assumed John would. I mean, it’s a no-brainer for any man to keep his wife out of jeopardy, right? Well, maybe not. Check out the Hot Perfect Doctor Couple’s approach:
Jeffy Probst: “John, you have the same opportunity, do you want to take a moment and talk about it?”
Handsome Doctor John: “Yeah, that would be great.” He then walked up to his wife and whispered, “What do you think?”
Beautiful Doctor Candice: “I don’t know, I mean, it’s up to you, I think I can beat him, um, ah, I just … ”
Now, allow me to interject. When Candice said, “I don’t know, I mean, it’s up to you, I think I can beat him, um, ah, I just …” she meant, “Are you fucking kidding me? Rupert replaced his wife, why wouldn’t you? What are we even talking about? Are you doing this for the cameras? If you don’t replace me on Redemption Island you know I am going to replace you in this marriage, right?”
Handsome Doctor John: “You have a better chance than I do.”
And then he said this: “Jeff, my wife is a really tough woman, and I think she can, so I think we are going to give her the opportunity to beat Rupert.”
Wait, WHAT? After he threw his teary wife (5 points) to the Redemption Island Rupert-shaped wolves, Handsome Doctor John was all, “Watching her walk off, I literally felt like my heart was being torn out of my chest, like, the second I … (fights off tear and punches rock, 20 points) the second I saw her walking off I was like, ‘There is nothing that is going to be harder than not doing everything I can to save my wife’s butt in this game.'”
It’s always the good-looking, book-smart ones who have NO IDEA how life is lived. Thank god none of us are super-hot doctors, right?
Aneesa and Diem (Challenge, Litman and Simmons, respectively), 5 points each
Aneesa and Diem cried because they lost the last elimination (5 points), but none of that matters, because now I can’t make fun of Diem anymore. Plus, later on, Challenge legends CT and Johnny Bananas were lounging in their bunk beds before setting off for the final challenge, putting their careers in perspective. It was like watching Magic and Bird chat during shootaround before Game 1 of the ’87 Finals:
Bananas (to CT): “The OGs of this shit, back for another round.”
CT (to Bananas): “The match of the century.”
CT (in his confessional): “I really want to win this challenge. I feel like I am one of the best competitors to ever be on The Challenge, and, ah, you know at the same time I feel like a Dan Marino on The Challenge. One of the best quarterbacks ever that doesn’t have a ring. I don’t want to be Dan Marino, I want to be Tom Brady.”
Bananas (in his confessional): “In the past I have stepped over CT and Wes in finals. CT literally almost died on top of a glacier in Iceland.
CT (in his confessional): “I also want a rematch against Johnny, me and him have a rivalry that goes back beyond time, before time.”
Bananas (to CT): “Regardless of what goes down, man, you deserve to be here, bro.”
Then this happened:
It was perfect. I don’t care if CT wins or if Bananas wins. We all win. Especially Tom Brady, though. He really wins. Having CT express his desire to be like you must feel better than winning the Super Bowl or having the hottest model in the world as your baby mama. Having CT express his desire to be like you might even give you the strength to win games despite having a receiving corps that’s less athletic than Cooke and Cara Maria.
Gervase (Survivor, Jacoby), 10 points
Gervase hasn’t been on Survivor in 13 years. In fact, can anyone confirm that all of these returning players were actually on Survivor? I recognize, like, four of them.
Anyway, according to a credited bit on his Wikipedia page, in his first stint on Survivor, Gervase said, “Nothing is dumber than a woman, except maybe a cow.” Let that sink in. Then watch Gervase do some sinking of his own.
For the Immunity Challenge, the contestants had to swim through some obstacles, board a boat, and then paddle that fucker to shore. After a couple obstacles, Gervase was totally pooped. See his almost dead body on the left?
After he reentered the water, he nearly drowned (10 points):
But he survived, with Aras’s help:
Then got on the boat with, you know, everyone’s help:
And just in case the misogyny wasn’t enough to make you dislike this fella, he then taunted the other team while celebrating his tribe’s win like he’d done everything to make it happen:
He was such a dick about it that the other team voted his niece off just for knowing him.
Kat (Survivor, Yoshida), 5 points
Kat almost got oared by Colton (5 points) and is dating a dude who won Big Brother. Where do these people meet? Is there a dating site for reality stars like there’s a dating site for people with herpes?
Emily (Challenge, Lisanti), 5 points
Emily cried (5 points) because she was scared about the final. Meanwhile, the cast was all loaded up and ready to go to Tokyo for the final when some “ninjas” ran up onto the bus:
Only, guess what? That’s not a ninja! It’s Teej!
It turned out the contestants wouldn’t be going to Tokyo for the final; they’d be going to some beach right down the block. Whatever effect they were going for with this whole “twist” thing didn’t really work out. This would have been a kabillion times better if the other two “ninjas” had been math teachers and the first leg of the final had involved solving quadratic equations.
The Entire ‘Loved Ones’ Tribe (Survivor, various GRTFL teams), -5 points
How the fuck do you board the plane to go on Survivor without knowing how to make fire (-5 points)? If I were going on this show, I’d learn how to make fire, fish, hunt, weave bamboo leaves, naturally treat rashes and bug bites, identify non-lethal berries, and, you know, swim. But maybe that’s just me.
Next week, we’ll find out who wins The Challenge and what evil thing Colton will do next. You won’t want to miss it. If you do, though, it’s cool — it will be on the Internet forever, so no sweat.