Look, people may think that the first Grantland Live stream was programmed around the NCAA Tournament, but GRTFL readers know that the only reason the live-stream is happening this particular week is because this is the slowest week in reality TV history. With The Bach over, Survivor in full midseason “finally we’re switching up the tribes” mode, and The Real Unrelatable Housewives of Beverly Hills trudging along, there aren’t any points to be doled out this week. But if you think that’ll stop me from recapping, you are sadly mistaken. This week I’m going to run through the GRTFL Top 5 of Every Show That’s on TV This Week. It’s going to be fun. Let’s do it.
Real World: Portland
First off, I love the idea that MTV is running back the best of the best this weekend. Second, that makes me think they’re confident in the product they’re rolling out next week, Real World: Portland, — and the trailer gives no reason to think they’re wrong. Ladies and gentlemen, The GRTFL Top 5 Things That Make Me Think This Will Be a Real World Season for the Ages, from “That happens every season” to “Holy shit, this might reinvigorate the franchise like Vegas did”:
5. Nudity: It always plays on Real World, and we have a real Playboy model this season.
4. Generic White Guy: “I don’t like who I am.”
Roommate response: “It’s amazing that someone who’s so happy actually has big issues inside.”
Me: Everyone has a sob story; let’s just hope that his makes him act out and punch stuff. (Guess what? It will.)
3. Hooters Girl (Averey): “I brought Daisy [her dog] because I have family where I am from; I don’t trust boys.”
Me: What? You brought a pet on Real World because you don’t trust guys? 100 percent chance you end up trusting a guy, and he then breaks your heart and you reengage with the dog.
2. Anastasia: “I think as far as intellect, I think me and Nia got this in the bag.”
Me: As far as intellect, anyone with intellect doesn’t talk about how much intellect they have, ya dig?
1. Nia: “Every situation I have been through in life, I have always been Hurricane Nia.”
Me: Anyone with the nickname “Hurricane” is good money on a Real World cast list. If she doesn’t go first in the draft, that means that whoever had first pick didn’t see the trailer. Lookin’ forward to seeing you on The Challenge, Nia.
The Survivor GRTFL Top 5 this week is the Top 5 Moments on This Week’s Survivor That Didn’t Make Me Miss Brandon Hantz, from “Yeah, But I Still Miss Brandon” to “Wait, Did He Break Survivor Forever?”
5. Phillip: Even after the tribe switch (yeah, that happened), Phillip thinks that people are in line clamoring for him to include them in his fictional corporation called “Stealth R Us.” Honestly, I can’t tell if I have less respect for Phillip making this group or other people treating it like it’s a real thing. This quandary cost me two hours of life this week.
4. Matt’s Tattoos: I just spent 15 minutes trying to capture how indecipherable Matt’s tattoos are, but it just didn’t work. Just imagine talking to a shirtless man who confuses you every time he turns 45 degrees. Oh, yeah, also, that man has a dreadlocked beard. And he’s white.
3. Corrine Being Awesome: Where did this come from? Out of nowhere, Corrine went from “Girl I Can’t Stand” to “Around-the-Way Girl Who I Think I Grew Up With.” First she dropped this:
Corrine: “He needs a warm glass of ‘just shut the hell up.’”
2. Then Check Out Corrine at Tribal: She honestly looks more ready for “the club” than for tribal council. All-in on Corrine:
Hair nice. Earrings. Good shirt. She looks way more “jury” at tribal than most of the Survivor jury normally does.
1. The Bowl Switch: So this week they switched up the tribes. Normally, I would respect Jeff Probst’s Hostest With the Mostest honor, but this was a little different. While he was divvying up eggs with dye in them that would split up the tribes, he did this:
(GIF by @HeyBelinda)
It just so happens that one of the tribes consisted of all the young, good-looking people, and one didn’t. I’m not saying it was fixed; I’m just saying … BOWL SWITCH!
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
I’m starting to lose interest in this show. With the excitement of a new Real World and with The Bachelorette looming on the horizon, it’s hard for me to even pretend to give half a fuck. But I will, because, ya know, it’s my thing. Here are the GRTFL Top 5 Things That Happened on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills That Actually Caught My Attention, from “Are You Sure That Happened This Episode?” to “Oh, Yeah, They’re Crazy”:
5. “My job is to hand out vodka from behind a bush”: This week, Adrienne threw a party in which she was promoting a new vodka (more on that later). She decided that the best way to give away vodka was to have human beings hiding behind bushes with only their red-velvet-gloved hands sticking out, holding a mini-shot. Not only did Adrienne think this was a good idea, she argued with the (super stoned) party-planner/helper about whether that hand should be wearing a glove or not. Yeah, that happened.
4. Faye Resnick: Faye Resnick REALLY wants to be on this show. Every time Kyle invites her to a (taped for TV) party, she pulls some bullshit. As Brandi puts it, “Faye walks up to a situation that has nothing to do with her, puts her dick on the table, and decides that we need to have a talk that she has to be involved in.” (Note to self: Incorporate “puts her dick on the table” into your daily lexicon.) (Actually, that’s not a note to self; that’s a note to all.)
3. Bathroom Accusations: This week, Brandi was accused of bathroom shenanigans with a young man. Now, knowing Brandi’s history, it’s understandable these charges were leveled. However, as a former accusee of bathroom shenanigans myself, I have to say that she’s cleared of all charges in the court of “sometimes you just go to the bathroom with someone you’re into and talk.” I ride for bathroom accusees.
2. Paul and Adrienne Separated: Anyone who pays close attention to this show knows that this was the season that Paul and Adrienne’s fun, ball-busting banter turned weird and ended their relationship. However, we all thought it would happen on camera. This episode, all of a sudden, they were broken up. WHAT THE HELL? If you’re on a reality show and getting a divorce, we the audience demand something spectacular! We demand to feel the schadenfreude that fulfills us. We want to watch the death of your marriage. We will wear white to its funeral. Why keep that from us?
1. Body paint: At Adrienne’s Zing vodka party, she, of course, arrived slathered in body paint. And now, for my most Real Housewives–y Moment of the Week, I will list the number of body-painted performers at her vodka party: There were body-painted people performing as statues, dancers, trees, fountains, bushes, and servers. THAT’S JUST TOO MUCH BODY PAINT. I don’t care how much Zing vodka you sell, it’ll never be worth sending 15 human beings home telling their friends they spent the night dressed up as a branch serving vodka for $300. I swear everyone who attended that party will karmically pay for it somehow. And everyone who wore body paint and worked at that party will one day be our bosses. Respect.
Check back next week so we can judge the Real World folks before we even have half an understanding of who they are. It’s a ritual.