Now that Drake won the NBA championship and the Finals are over, it is time for us all to start focusing on the draft. No, not the NBA draft, the real draft, the GRTFL The Challenge: Rivals II draft. After months of checking message boards and Twitter feeds looking for clues, MTV finally released the cast list and trailer. So, as is my duty, to properly prepare you for your upcoming draft, I have provided a scouting report for every pair of Rivals in the show. To prepare for this, I put on an Under Armour shirt with my name on it, went to the show’s Wikipedia page, and watched the trailer a couple bazillion times. I’m pretty sure that’s how Chad Ford prepares as well.
The Challenge Rivals II Draft Scouting Report:
Team: Anastasia and Jessica.
Source of Rivalry: Jessica is the worst.
Trailer highlight: Anastasia slapping CT in the face. I feel like if I tried to slap CT in the face my arm would amputate itself and run away from the rest of my body like The Thing.
Team Most Likely To: Make you stop watching the show.
Team: Aneesa and Diem.
Source of Rivalry: This one is fake. They just need an excuse to bring Diem because she is the only one he will listen to when he goes ragey and starts eating the camera crew and equipment.
Trailer highlight: Aneesa, “You are the Trashelle you were, and you are always going to be trash.”
Team Most Likely To: Make you feel old.
Team: Camila and Jemmye.
Source of Rivalry: Drunken fights on party buses. Duh.
Trailer highlight: YES and YES:
Team Most Likely To: Get into a bloody brawl with each other and then have sex in the hospital while they are waiting to be treated.
Team: Cooke and Naomi
Source of Rivalry: They both wanted to get it on with Leroy. But, you know, who wouldn’t.
Trailer highlight: Struggle face:
Team Most Likely To: Make you say “Who the hell are these people again?”
Team: Jasmine and Theresa
Source of Rivalry: Not clear exactly, but you can’t have one of these without Jasmine.
Trailer highlight: Wait? WHY THE HELL ISN’T JASMINE IN THE TRAILER? Oh no.
Team Most Likely To: I can’t focus, WHY THE HELL ISN’T JASMINE IN THE TRAILER?
Team: Jonna and Nany
Source of Rivalry: No clue. I guess the title The Challenge: Rivals Or, Like, Kinda Rivals II didn’t have the same pizzazz.
Trailer highlight: I think I saw Jonna puke. Not clear, though.
Team Most Likely To: Appear in a King magazine spread together.
Team: Paula and Emily
Source of Rivalry: Again, a fake one. To be fair, were I producing this show I would do whatever it took to get ol’ Walnuts on there, too.
Trailer highlight: Paula: “To be honest, I don’t care who we piss off.” The vets know how to give the good bites.
Team Most Likely To: Win.
Team: Sarah and Trishelle
Source of Rivalry: Alton.
Trailer highlight: Um, yeah, this:
Team Most Likely To: Get punched in the face by Aneesa.
Team: CT and Wes
Source of Rivalry: They have always genuinely hated each other. It’s only a matter of time before CT eats Wes.
Trailer highlight: I’m pretty sure this is CT getting into a fight in a pool:
Or a heated match of Marco Polo. It’s hard to tell in these montages.
Team Most Likely To: Hospitalize someone.
Team: Dunbar and Tyrie
Source of Rivalry: Unclear.
Trailer highlight: Tyrie in a fight with someone, maybe Dunbar?
Team Most Likely To: Do porn again.
Team: Bananas and Frank
Source of Rivalry: Twitter.
Trailer highlight: Bananas dropping this quote: “All is fair, in love, war, and Challenges.” See, the vets know how to get that screen time.
Team Most Likely To: Win.
Team: Jordan and Marlon
Source of Rivalry: Jordan’s, ya know, racism.
Trailer highlight: None. Which is weird, because at the Real World: Portland reunion, Marlon was talking big shit about how well they did.
Team Most Likely To: Get invited back for years to come.
Team: Leroy and Ty
Source of Rivalry: Who would have a rivalry with Leroy?
Trailer highlight: This:
Team Most Likely To: Beat CT and Wes in an Elimination Challenge.
Team: Preston and Knight
Source of Rivalry: Knight is a sociopath, so it’s hard to truly track his rivalries to a source.
Trailer highlight: Bananas schooling Knight, “You have got yourself linked up to a sinking ship.” You shouldn’t take Bananas’s advice on much, but the man is the Michael Jordan of Challenge manipulation and strategy.
Team Most Likely To: Make people see them and whisper, “I had no idea that Matt Stafford and Rajon Rondo were such good buddies.”
Team: Robb and Derek
Source of Rivalry: They got into an argument and started ripping their shirts off (or so I read).
Trailer highlight: None.
Team Most Likely To: Get voted off first. Seriously, they didn’t appear in the trailer.
Team: Zach and Trey
Source of Rivalry: Twitter or something.
Trailer highlight: This shot of Zach that tilts up to a guy in medical whites:
Zach either just killed a man or they REALLY overdramatized the arrival of the cleaning crew.
Team Most Likely To: Be overenthusiastic assistant high school football coaches.
The Bachelorette continued its march of mediocrity in a week that featured shaved armpits, horrible poetry, and rhythmic gymnastics. As always, we scored it:
Brooks and Zak W. (Bachelorette, Lisanti and Jacoby), 20 points: Brooks The Bachelor Bro stated this week, “It’s good to see Des. She is like a mystical creature. Like a unicorn, she shows up every once in a while and is gone in 10 seconds … and usually with another guy.” THIS IS WHAT DATING IS ON THE BACHELORETTE! Oh yeah, you know what else is dating on The Bachelorette? This:
The big group date this week was “The Bachelorette‘s Mr. America” contest. Now, I’m all for embarrassing the Bachelor Bros, but I had no idea just how willing they were to embarrass themselves. Below is each Bachelor Bro’s “talent” during the pageant:
Kasey’s talent: Making up a story about attaching metal scraps to his shoes growing up and then tap dancing. Xavion Glover this guy is not.
Mikey T’s talent: Magic Mike–ing:
Brooks’s talent: Playing a ukulele and looking like Mike Miller (20 points). Seriously, he could have gone to Club Story last night and brought 17 people in.
Ben’s talent: Rhythmic gymnastics:
Is the “O” face part of rhythmic gymnastics? Can ribbons be twirled without making this face?
Handsome Guy Whose Name I Don’t Remember’s talent: Reading and wearing a trench coat. Not sure if I am more surprised he can read or dress himself.
Chris’s talent: Hula-hooping in heels.
Bryden’s talent: This:
Zak W.’s talent: Singing a song about dating a woman with a lot of options (20 points).
Brad (Bachelorette, Simmons), 20 points: “I want a love that can light the darkness, and I don’t think Brad and I can have that love” —Des
Desiree doesn’t think that Brad can give her the flashlight love she needs. AND SHE NEEDS FLASHLIGHT LOVE. So in order to tell him this, she makes the poor guy walk up to the top of a lighthouse to break up with him. Not only that, she makes him cry (20 points). Not only that, she makes him walk down all by himself. AND NOT ONLY THAT, he walks down the stairs without using the railing:
WHO WALKS DOWN SPIRAL STAIRS WITHOUT USING THE RAILING? Is this man a wizard?
Bryden (Bachelorette, House), 15 points: Every season some dude gets all, “I need to know if my connection with Des is real or not” and threatens to leave (15 points). Really, I think he wanted to leave because he realized, on national television, he just did this:
Chris (Bachelorette, Kang), 10 points: Chris writes poetry. In coffee shops. THIS IS SO CRAZY BECAUSE OH MY GOD DES DOES, TOO! ALSO IN COFFEE SHOPS! Naturally, his next move is to recite some of his work. He just so happens to have his journal handy next to him while the two of them are swimming. Don’t you swim with your journal? Anyway, of course he read his poem (5 points):
“I knew on top of that hotel right then and there
My feelings for you were building and real
The skeptic in me to be found nowhere “
This is easily the Questionable Moment of the Week:
WHERE IS THE REST OF THE POEM? Did he rhyme something with “real”? Was the page wet from the pool? Did he swim over to a planted journal or did he swim back to where the journal originally was? Was the use of “building” a pun? Does he know that only shitty poetry rhymes? What coffee shop did he write this in? This feels less “Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf” and more “Tim Hortons,” doesn’t it?
Later in the episode he asked Des, “Are we in the friend zone?” To which Des replied by kissing him (5 points). To which my wife replied, “BUT WE ARE IN THE HERP ZONE!”
Ben (Bachelorette, Jacoby), 10 points: Ben stated that “He didn’t come here to make friends” (10 points) while showing off his shaved armpits:
I’m all for manscaping, but bald pits? Manscaping is like officiating in the playoffs: You shouldn’t notice it.
James (Bachelorette, Connor), 10 points: James made out with Des twice (10 points), and you can tell he is going places with this franchise. HE HAS A ROSE TATTOO:
On his one-on-one date he made this shocking revelation:
James: “I am going to be honest, because that’s who — ”
Des: “Honesty is the best!”
James: “I did something that really hurt somebody, I was in a relationship for five and a half years, and unfortunately I cheated on her. My freshman year in college. It’s really hard to even talk about it.”
Cheating on your Girlfriend Back Home your freshman year at college nine years ago is not a cause for concern. NOT cheating on your GBH your freshman year at college nine years ago is cause for concern.
Michael (Bachelorette, House), 5 points: Michael scored a makeout by writing letters down on a card and explaining why each letter made him think of Des. Reread that sentence again. This show is absurd. Anyway, here is what he came up with:
D: “You are so down to earth.”
E: “And you are so easy to talk to.”
S: “And I like you because your smile lights up the room every time you walk into it.”
This week’s GRTFL top five is the Top Five Things That Were So Fucking Aggravating About This Corny Performance To Get A Kiss, listed from “I guess that isn’t so bad” to “I am dedicating my life to God because I refuse to date if that is what dating is”:
5. It was premeditated: He brought the paper and markers with him. This was planned. This was intentional. Again, he prepared this and then executed it. He should be hospitalized.
4. He took it seriously: It wasn’t a goof. You can pull something like this off if you get all Jason Segel with it. He went Denzel with it.
3. He finished with the letter G, explaining, “G is the letter of my last name”: That doesn’t even need my comment.
2. The sentences don’t start with the letter: So, wait. What is the link between the letter and the following sentence? Oh, one of the words in the following sentence starts with the letter? That is a reach. If you are going to do this, you have to start the sentence with the letter — I mean, that is just Trying To Seduce Someone On National TV With Yahtzee 101.
1. SHE LIKED IT: The worst part of the whole thing was easily Des’s enjoyment of it. She giggled and cooed along the whole time like she was actually flattered by this bullshit. Des is the worst.
Check back next week, because I think I’m adding Small Town Security to the GRTFL. If you aren’t watching Small Town Security, please do. It’s like a really good abstract painting; you can’t explain it, but you like the feeling it gives you when you look at it. Enjoy your weekend.