This week in reality TV we saw kind of sexy, mostly disgusting oil wrestling; a hilarious removal of an oil painting, and a budding affair on Survivor that is rooted in a shared love of snuggling and lack of self-awareness. But before we get to all that, this week, several members on The Challenge had the nerve to disrespect the competitive integrity of America’s fifth major sport by throwing challenges, and as you can imagine, this didn’t sit well with T.J. Lavin.
Camila (Battle of the Seasons, House), 50 points: Over the course of his BMX career, T.J. Lavin has broken nearly every bone in his body, been in a coma, and nearly died. When a man like this — a man that has sacrificed his body and almost his life — is put in charge of a reality TV show competition, he expects a certain level of effort.
This week T.J. was tasked with managing an oil wresting tournament on the beaches of Turkey — and you knew something was awry when Alton lost. First off, Alton is the greatest athlete that the human species has ever created. Second, Alton lost to Preston; Preston is like Rajon Rondo mixed with Prince mixed with Tek from Real World: Hawaii mixed with a stork. He has no business beating Alton at oil wrestling. Like I said, something was awry. T.J. saw this breakdown in competitive integrity before him and was so disgusted he couldn’t even muster up one of his patented “I hate quitters” speeches. Instead, he just solemnly watched, shook his head, and blew his air horn to mark the end of each thrown match. Never has an air horn been blown with less enthusiasm. When Camila and Devyn walked into the oil pit and didn’t even fake an effort, T.J. had had enough. Instead of the passive-aggressive guilting that T.J. usually doles out to quitters, T.J. looked both Camila and Devyn in the eye and unleashed the following tirade: “BLEEPing BLEEP BLEEP, you BLEEPing BLEEPs!” (35 points.) If I am not mistaken, this is the second time that T.J. has gone in on Camila for quitting in a challenge. It is a shame that the same Camila that had enough fight in her to argue with Frank (5 points) didn’t have enough fight in her to satisfy T.J. Justly, she was thrown into the elimination challenge. Unjustly, she won (10 points).
The whole time she was throwing challenges I couldn’t help but think, Johnny Bananas would have never let this happen. WHERE IS JOHNNY BANANAS!?
Devyn (Battle of the Seasons, ??), 35 points: I have watched every single episode of every single season of Real World. I have no idea who this Devyn chick that T.J. yelled at (35 points) is. None. She wasn’t even drafted in our draft. I think she doesn’t exist. I think she is a Tyler Durden–like figment of my imagination. Wait, that can’t be true — if she were a figment of my imagination I would have imagined her hotter and with a better weave.
Sonja (Real Housewives of New York City, Kang), 30 points: Sonja has a super-rich ex-husband who is part of the Morgan family. Like, the Morgan part of Stanley Morgan Morgan family. When your family name is part of a bank’s name, you do ridiculous things like own houses in France (5 points) and commission gigantic oil paintings of yourself. If you know me and you come over to my house and you find a huge oil painting of myself on my wall that I commissioned, you 100 percent have my permission to slice my throat open and watch me bleed to death all over my own floor.
In this week’s episode of Real Annoying Housewives of New York City, Sonja has a “meeting” with her ex. In her mind, at this meeting the two of them will rekindle their relationship, fall back in love, and raise their daughter together. In reality, he sent his lawyers, refused to speak to her or see her, and is doing everything he can to keep her away from his money (15 “financial problems” points). This did not sit well with Sonja. She cried on the shoulders of her army of free interns (5 points) and then had LuAnn come over so she could cry all over her (5 points) as the oil painting was removed. I wonder what the interns tell their parents they are doing for work while they are on the phone asking for more money. “Listen, Dad, I know you are already paying for my NYU tuition, my apartment, and all my meals, but this internship with Sonja Morgan is really teaching me a lot. Last week I learned how to cover the scent of wine on your breath with whiskey, yesterday I learned which pharmacies in the Upper East Side will double your prescription if you slip them a 20, and today I learned how to disguise the evil in my soul with philanthropic work. It’s all coming together, Dad — if you just send me another $10,000 I should be on my feet in no time.”
Trey (Battle of the Seasons, Connor), 20 points: What is it about the cast of Real World: St. Thomas that annoys me so much? Is it the fact that their season was so boring? That I haven’t been given any time off from them to miss them? Or that they have terrible tattoos? Probably a combination of all three. But according to Trey, I am not alone. Trey had an off-brand teary emotional breakdown this week (20 points), exclaiming, “The people that are here don’t talk to me. They don’t trust me and they don’t like me. It is very clear that we are next on the chopping block. Maybe I brought it on myself, I don’t know, but they can paint me as a villain, it’s fine, but I know how I am and it’s really really hard.” I know who you are, too, Trey. You’re the dude that cheated on his (probably) pregnant girlfriend back home on national television. That is who you are.
Angie and Malcolm (Survivor, Lisanti and Connor), 15 points: While we never technically saw these two hook up, I am giving them the points anyway because they crack me up, and when you are dirty and hungry anything even close to hooking up should be rewarded. Angie is a hot-bodied pageant girl from Utah; Malcolm is a hot-bodied bartender from Georgia. At night their hot bodies get cold and they snuggle up. You know, for warmth. There have been rumors of nocturnal moans coming from their flesh pile, and that is good enough for me to give them not only GRTFL points (5 x 3 = 15 points) but the GRTFL Top Five. The following are the Top Five Most Amazing Quotes About or From Malcolm and Angie That Prove That Beauty and Brains Are Pretty Much Inversely Related. They are listed from well, they are kind of randomly listed, but who cares, they’re fantastic:
5. Malcolm: “When I first saw Angie, I kept telling myself, ‘Don’t get booty-blinded, don’t get booty-blinded.'” (When someone asks Bill Clinton what went wrong at the end of his presidency, I hope he says “I got booty-blinded.” Actually, I hope he says, “nothing.”)
4. Malcolm: “I know I shouldn’t be cuddling with Angie, but it’s cold at night. First she throws an arm over me, then a leg. Then I’m like, ‘ugh.’ C’mon, a good-looking blonde girl throws her arm and leg over me, I am not going to push her away ” (Well, it is going to cost you a million dollars, so essentially you are paying a good-looking blonde girl to throw an arm and a leg over you. I think Prokhorov calls that “Tuesday.”)
3. Russell: “Angie, hot young chick with the … looks like she got some boob thing going on, but ya know, they’re poppin’ up all over the place. And I don’t blame Malcolm for wanting to go slap them titties, but get your bang on somewhere else.” (WHAT?!? DID HE JUST SAY “SLAP THEM TITTIES” ON PRIME-TIME CBS? Is “slap them titties” even a thing people say? I must have gotten this wrong, but boy am I glad I did )
2. Roxy on Angie: “It’s like Miss America all day long and it’s annoying.” (For Malcolm, it is Miss America all day long and Ms. Mysterious Moaner all night long.)
1. Jeff Probst at Tribal: “Angie, finish this sentence: One thing I would change about this tribe ”
Angie: “Um, that we could have cookies.”
Look, the girl doesn’t want teamwork for her tribe, a better shelter for her tribe, challenge wins for her tribe, or nourishing food for her tribe. She wants cookies for her tribe. What is the problem with that? It must be comforting to not overanalyze everything. I envy Angie’s cerebral simplicity.
Easy (Battle of the Seasons, Kang), 10 points: Big Easy won his second straight challenge (10 points), and heading into it announced he was going to win because “I’m not a bitch.” I wish just once that LeBron would open up pregame interviews like that. “Hey, LeBron, why do you think the Heat will repeat as NBA champions?” “Because we’re not bitches.”
Frank (Battle of the Season, Simmons), 10 points: Sure, Frank got into a fight with Camila because she was cheering on her teammates too loudly and and yelled at her, “Stop, they can hear you, stop!” (5 points.) Sure, Frank announced his control of the game, “Let’s be real, I’m gonna run this show” (5 points). But how the hell did Frank not get slammered this entire episode? I mean, there is no way that Frank goes three days without getting slammered. They must have edited it out. Nothing else makes sense.
Ramona (The Real Housewives of New York City, House), 10 points: Ramona and Aviva have very different ideas of vacation behavior. This led to not one but two arguments on this week’s episode (10 points). The best exchange from these blowouts is below:
Ramona: “You were such a buzzkill. Everyone had so much fun until you got there.”
Aviva: “No, you and Sonja ruined everyone’s trip because you were both drunk the entire time.”
Ramona: “No we were not.”
Aviva: “It was like Girls Gone Wild.”
Ramona: “You have never been on a girls’ trip. We are having fun, we are relaxing ”
Aviva: “You’re right, I have never been on this type of girls’ trip where women in their 50s — I believe you are 56 — go to nightclubs until two o’clock in the morning, dance on tables, gyrate ”
Ramona: “We all danced on tables.”
Aviva: “No no no, you and Sonja came home at two o’clock in the morning ”
Ramona: “You weren’t even there, how do you even know?”
Aviva: “It was a very small island did you and Sonja sleep in the bed naked spooning each other at night?”
Look, I hate Ramona. I know hate is a strong word, and I am using it anyway. I hate the way she talks, moves, looks, acts, drinks, everything but I have to side with her on this one. If dancing on tables, getting naked, going to nightclubs, and coming home at two in the morning is wrong, then who wants to be right? Everyone loves to go on vacation and act a little out-of-pocket because they are in a new land and somewhat anonymous, and everyone hates the friend that throws it in your face when you return home. Don’t be that friend.
Knight and Jemmye (Battle of the Seasons, Lisanti and Jacoby), 5 points: Knight and Jemmye had one of the more twisted and entertaining relationships in Real World history. OK, fine, more like Top 50, whatever, but it even involved a classic episode with Knight getting flirty with Jemmye’s mom. It was fantastic. Knight’s attempt to rekindle this relationship did not go well (5 points):
Knight: “I miss my best friend, I miss the girl I love ”
Jemmye: “You [bleep]ed up, it wasn’t me ”
Knight: “I know that, but how long are you going to tell me I [bleep]ed up for?”
Jemmye: “What you do can affect you the rest of your life.”
Nobody knows that “what you do can affect you for the rest of your life” better than someone with a gigantic vagina tattoo.
Aviva (The Real Housewives of New York City, Simmons), 5 points: Aviva got into that fight with Ramona because she hates fun (5 points) and received a visit from her sex-addicted, super-creepy, but still somehow likable father, George. While the two of them were in a health store, George tracked down someone that worked there and started saying amazing George-y things like, “Could you help me, sir? I need a few items for libido. Do you have horny goat weed? Do you have potency wood? Do you have B.A.G.A.? You know, I’m in New York and I didn’t bring my aphrodisiacs, so to speak ” Then, just to erase any doubt about the fact that he is the creepiest dad on TV, he had this exchange with his daughter Aviva. Again, I repeat, HIS DAUGHTER Aviva:
George: “I would love to do overtures to Carole.”
Aviva: “Carole is fabulous, but she is like a really good friend of mine. I don’t think that would be appropriate.”
George: “We’re not going to do orgies and debauchery ”
Aviva: “She has become a sister to me.”
George: “Incest is best!”
How can a man who says “Incest is best” still come off as likable? I have no idea. Some things are better not explained.