Boobs, cocaine, and crying: another week in the GRTFL. Let’s just get to it already:
Brandon (Real World, Kang), 120 points: Brandon is a recovering drug addict who was drug tested as part of Real World policy. After his test, he had this exchange with an off-camera producer:
Producer: “Is there a reason why you might have coke in your system?”
Producer: “You definitely tested positive for coke.”
Brandon: “That’s something that should be sent to a lab then, because the last thing I’m going to do is spend my money on coke while I’m out here.”
OK, as if the positive drug test wasn’t enough to prove that he had dabbled in a little nose candy while in St. Thomas, his explanation for not doing drugs was basically, “I can’t afford it.” But let’s not get too tied up with details of Brandon’s case … THEY DRUG TEST ON MTV REALITY SHOWS!? Ronnie on Jersey Shore passed a drug test? Malik from Real World passed a drug test? CT from The Challenge passed a drug test? This must be a new policy.
Anyway, Brandon eventually fessed up to getting Charlie Sheeny while he was out: “The night before my drug test, the girl grabs me and drags me into the bathroom and we did a bump. This island was hands down the biggest test of my character. I kind of expected more out of myself. I am sorry to those that I let down. If it means I have to go home, I have to go home.”
He did have to go home (100 points). And when he told his boy Swifty he was leaving, Swifty dropped a sneaky insight into their life on St. Thomas: “I see you turn it down nonstop. Nonstop. All the time.” Wait, what? The Real World cast is getting plied with cocaine “nonstop”? People are offering cocaine to a group of people being trailed by a production crew 24/7? None of this makes any sense. What the hell is happening down there?
Anyway, he decided to have one last night out and got all sobby while saying good-bye to Swifty (20 points). I got a little sobby myself realizing that this whole thing has ruined the reunion. I won’t be able to enjoy it because I’ll spend the entire episode feverishly evaluating how cocainey Brandon is. I might just skip it and save myself that kind of stress.
Sonja (The Real Housewives of New York City, Kang), 60 points: Last week LuAnn slept with the Nightclub Fun Coordinator/Johnny Depp impersonator, Tomas — and this week it was Sonja’s turn to get Captain Jacked (25 points). She spent the rest of the episode in a baffling argument with Aviva (2 x 5 = 10 points) that started when Aviva arrived on girls’ vacation with her husband and Sonja and Ramona were topless in the pool (20 points). According to GRTFL Super Scorer Maeve Whelan-Wuest she cried at some point (5 points), but I must have missed it because I was Google-stalking Tomas.
Ramona (The Real Housewives of New York City, House), 35 points: Ramona was right alongside Sonja for all the skinny dipping (20 points), arguing (10 points), and crying (5 points) — all while she was (likely) getting Captain Jacked. If something terrible happens to Ramona I am going to feel awful. Not because I am a decent, empathetic human being; because I willed it to happen with my brain.
Carole (The Real Housewives of New York City, Connor), 20 points: Is Carole a chill chick who keeps herself in great shape, tans topless (20 points), and wears groovy clothes? Or is she just surrounded by some of the most annoying humans on the planet and it’s all relative?
Yeah, you’re right, it’s all relative.
Swifty (Real World, House), 20 points: Swifty got all man-sad when Brandon was leaving (20 points). I got all man-sad when I found out that Swifty has a personal website with more content than Grantland. My favorite part about his site is that he lists three different e-mail addresses: one for booking, one for general inquiries, and one for fans.
C’mon, Swifty, give up the charade; we all know all three of them go right to your phone.
Rachel (Bachelor Pad, Simmons), 15 points: Rachel, stop crying already. Jeez. She cried when Blakeley and Tony left (5 points), she cried when she won the challenge (5 points), and she cried when Ed and Jaclyn left (5 points). She must need to hydrate.
That said, the challenge she won was pretty fantastic. The three remaining couples were all forced to sing Night Ranger’s “Sister Christian.” “Sister Christian” is one of those songs that you’ve heard a gazillion times but still have no idea what the hell it’s about. (It’s kind of the Fredo to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing.”) And there’s something super-entertaining about watching people sing terribly in front of an audience. Rachel was doing this Gwen Stefani sexy rocker thing, Sarah took her shirt off and started coitusing the stage, and Jacklyn and Ed forgot the lyrics and just straight up dry-humped through the third verse.
Anyhow, Rachel and Nick won the challenge and had to send one of the remaining two couples home. This led to Ed saying, “Nick came out of nowhere, stepped up, became a different person” and “Nick is like such an anonymous person to me. I just wish that he would have come out earlier and had more fun earlier. He didn’t really start socializing until three days ago.”
OK OK OK. I’m glad Ed said this, because I thought I was the only one that noticed that Nick hasn’t said a single thing this entire season. How in the world does someone living in a house with no TV, no cell phones, and no Internet not socialize? What does he do all day? Is he really so uninteresting in his interviews that he hasn’t had one sound bite worth airing in two months? Nick is baffling. So baffling he is going to be this week’s GRTFL Top Five.
This week’s top five are my Top Five Theories About How Nick Has Managed to Make It This Far Without Saying a Word or Making a Single Friend, listed from “I could see that” to “Oh my god, you’re right, Jacoby, I’m not sure he exists either”:
5. Nick is actually a genius: What would a super-smart person do if they found themselves on a reality show? Shut the hell up is what they’d do. Don’t give the producers any story lines, cruise through the season with your pride intact, and then make a couple moves at the end to try to take home the cash.
Why this theory probably isn’t true: He is too muscle-y to be a genius. Have you ever seen a genius at the gym? Exactly.
4. Nick has a twin and switched out this episode: Let’s see, he doesn’t do anything for two months and suddenly becomes a strategic genius, rock star, and all-around blabbermouth? No chance. Nick has a secret twin on some Prestige shit. Anyone else notice that his hair was super-different this episode?
Why this theory probably isn’t true: Twins usually have a mole or something that distinguishes them. Someone would have noticed.
3. Nick was raised in the jungle by chimpanzees and slowly adjusted over the season: It is entirely possible that in the first episode he didn’t speak English and hadn’t ever used a utensil to eat and has been observing and acclimating the whole season.
Why this theory probably isn’t true: If he was raised by chimpanzees he would have totally vibed with Ed — ya know, because Ed is an alcoholic aquatic ape.
2. Nick has been in Yoga Nidra for the past two months: Yoga Nidra is a meditative yoga sleep state. Nick has been asleep for two months in deep yoga meditation yet aware enough to do the basic tasks required of him on Bachelor Pad — like waddling out to the pool for a challenge or saving Ed from drowning in his own vomit.
Why this theory probably isn’t true: Because no one is reaching a deep meditative sleep with all the crying going on in the Bachelor Pad. (Actually, that’s not true, Ed is reaching a deep meditative sleep — but that’s more “passed-out drunk” than “elevated state of consciousness.”)
1. Nick doesn’t exist and is a figment of my imagination: What if there is no Nick? What if he’s a Tyler Durden–style hallucination that my subconscious has planted in Bachelor Pad to send me a message?
Why this theory probably isn’t true: If my subconscious was trying to send me a message through the Bachelor Pad it would have hallucinated up someone more interesting than Nick.
Keep an eye on this guy in the finale. If his hair grows four inches or if the family he brings to the reunion turns out to be a pack of apes, we may just solve this little mystery.
Blakeley (Bachelor Pad, Simmons), 10 points: Now that she is off the show, I am so glad that I don’t have to watch Blakeley crying (2 x 5 = 10 points) and being a loonball all over TV anymore.
Oh man, I just forgot that she is in that Hooters pageant thing that plays on a loop in every single Hooters. Oh well. Sidebar: Aren’t the Hooters uniforms ready for a little modernization? Has no one considered this? I mean, huge poofy white socks?
Jaclyn (Bachelor Pad, Jacoby), 10 points: Everyone, chill with the crying — this is getting ridiculous (2 x 5 = 10 points). Jaclyn wailed and dropped this gem of a quote: “She should be ashamed of herself. She really should. I have not done one thing to betray her this whole time. I just feel like my best friend threw me under the bus.”
Best friend? For real, Jaclyn? You met this woman on a reality show seven weeks ago. Somewhere there is a girl watching this that calls your parents on their birthdays, knows you hate tomatoes, and talked you down from a bad mushroom trip that got super-pissed when she heard you say that.
Ed (Bachelor Pad, Jacoby), 20 points: Ed? Quit crying (20 points) and please leave another cryptic insulty comment on this post like you did a few weeks ago. For a brief moment, it made me feel like I wasn’t alone in the world.
Aviva (The Real Housewives of New York City, Simmons), 10 points: Aviva spent the episode arguing about something or other with Sonja and Ramona (2 x 5 = 10 points). It was about her husband crashing the girls’ vacation or whatever, but it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that the arguments provided some great quotes that are going to make up the second GRTFL Top Five of the week. This top five is the Top Five Best Quotes From the Aviva vs. Sonja and Ramona Beef, listed from “That’s kind of funny” to “Are you sure that is the exact quote? Because I don’t want to get it wrong when I have that tattooed on my chest”:
5. Aviva [After her icy reception upon arrival]: “I would have expected, like, a party.” (Aviva, you’re not coming home from jail, you got off an airplane for vacation.)
4) Aviva: “You are both white trash, quite frankly.” (You could see the look on her face right before she said this and it said, “What is the meanest thing I could possibly call these women? Oh! Got it! ‘White trash!'” Nice one, Veevs.)
3. Aviva: “This is disgusting and quite frankly it is very low-class behavior. Low-class meaning uneducated, like, no-manners behavior.�� (I haven’t heard someone use quite frankly this much since … well … never mind.)
2. Aviva: “I went to law school and I went to Vassar, speak several languages — I understand everything.” (There is a name for people that name-drop what school they went to. We call them “assholes.”)
1. Ramona [Yelling]: “Taaaaaake a Xaaaaannnaaaaaaax! Caaaaaalm Dooooooooooooown! Taaaaake a Xaaaaaaaaannaaax!” (I love everything about this quote. Everything. It is perfect. I really might get it tattooed on my chest)
Trey and Laura (Real World, Simmons), 5 points: Trey found himself in the classic Real World “I flew in my girl from home to spend some time with the girl at the Real World house who I have been sleeping with for the past few months” scenario. It didn’t go well. He got in a fight with the girl back home (5 points), broke the heart of the girl in the house, and proved himself to be the worst consoler in the history of mankind:
Sobbing, Broken-Hearted Roommate Laura: “I’m sorry, Trey, I have to excuse myself for a little bit.”
Trey, the Worst Consoler in the History of Mankind: “Will you stop? Seriously?”
Sobbing, Broken-Hearted Roommate Laura: [Unable to speak through the sobbing]
Trey, the Worst Consoler in the History of Mankind: “This is ridiculous. You want me to walk away?”
Sobbing, Broken-Hearted Roommate Laura: “Go.”
Trey, the Worst Consoler in the History of Mankind: “OK.”
Trey, she didn’t want you to walk away, dude. They never want you to walk away.
Tony (Bachelor Pad, Simmons), 5 points: Tony pleading his case on Bachelor Pad: “I want to provide for my son, that is the no. 1 reason I am here. And with the money I could definitely make him proud. I want to do this for him.”
Parents of the world, you are no longer allowed to leave your children for months at a time to chase fame on reality television shows and claim some “I am doing this all for them” bullshit. Stop lying to everyone, Tony; you’re doing this so you can get handies from Bachelorette fans in bar bathrooms. Just own it, dude.
(One more thing: Subscribe to the Grantland Channel!)