I’m all in on Bachelor Pad. Halfway through this Monday’s premiere episode, it dawned on me that this television program should never end. Bachelor Pad should be a TV network and the Bachelor Pad mansion should be a theme park where we can gawk at these crazypantses like zoo animals. If you’re not familiar with Bachelor Pad, it’s what happens when ABC takes the rejected men and women from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, throws them in a house, gives them a bunch of booze, and sets up cameras while they make absolute fools of themselves. It is a terrible, moronic, worthless television show that I can’t stop thinking about. Like we do with every new show we add to the league, we made up some asinine rules and divvied up the delusional dolts:
Bachelor Pad Show-Specific Rules:
• Saying something along the lines of “It’s not about the money”: 10 points
• Hooking up with Stags (first time only): -10 points
• Hooking up with Chris (first time only): -15 points
• Hooking up with someone who is not your partner (first time only): 5 points
• Commenting on Erica Rose’s appearance/weight: 10 points
• Not participating in kissing challenge: -25 points
• Hooking up with Chris the Terrible Dancer: – 15 points
• No kissing points for kissing challenge
House: Paige, Stags, Ryan the Virgin
Lisanti: Chris, Erica Rose, Jamie
Jacoby: Ed, Reid, Jaclyn
Kang: Kalon, Twins, Swat
Connor: Lindzi, David, Sarah, Nick
Simmons: Blakeley, Donna, Tony, Rachel
But before we get to the Bachelor Pad, we have to address Brandon’s drunken lunacy on The Real World. He put on quite a show this week.
Brandon (Real World, Kang), 45 points: You know that feeling when you wake up after a night of drinking and you don’t remember how it ended? Then your friends are all, “Yeah, after you threw up on the bouncer, and as he kicked you out, you yelled ‘Word to your mother!’ at the top of your lungs and started uprocking like you wanted to break-dance battle him. It was odd, man.” After one of those nights, you feel terrible about being stuck being you forever and you tell yourself you are going to change, eat organic for a couple days, start jogging and reading books and stuff. Of course, four days later you’re back to your old ways — but at least you made an effort there for a bit. It’s all part of the binge-and-purge process.
Brandon from The Real World does not have a binge-and-purge process, he has a binge-and-binge process. Every single night on the show he gets blackout drunk (15 points). The guy is a mess.
This episode, the girl from a couple weeks ago whom he was going to hook up with — but, ya know, didn’t because he got slammered — was supposed to come over at 8 p.m. So he cleaned up his room, threw on one of his patented “upscale strip club busboy in 2007” outfits, and waited for her arrival. She didn’t show. She calls at nine and says she is on her way, but still doesn’t show. Brandon responds by shotgunning a Bud Light (Which reminds me, why did I stop shotgunning beers 15 years ago? Note to self, shotgun a beer this weekend.), which transitions into shots at a nightclub. After a “this guy is about to do something terrible” drinking montage, Brandon is soon reduced to a blubbering (20 points), drunk-dialing, stuff-smashing (10 points), sloppy mess of a Masshole.
One of the strangest phenomenon regarding his behavior is that his roommates don’t seem to be bothered by the fact that they are stuck on a private island with a daily binge-drinking, ex-drug addict who writes “KILL ME I WANT TO DIE KILL ME I WANT TO DIE” in his journal. When he starts drinking the morning after a binge night, they don’t even bat an eyelash or suggest that maybe he hold off until the afternoon. They honestly don’t even seem fazed. In fact, this week’s GRTFL Top Five are the top five red-flag things that an inslopsicated Brandon said and the appropriate roommate responses, in order from “That’s no big deal, we’ve all been there before” to “Man, he makes Mel Gibson look like Mother Teresa”:
5. Quote (in reference to an ex): “She is the most amazing, most beautiful girl in the world and I don’t know how I am supposed to be the man I am supposed to be.”
Appropriate Roommate Response: “The man you are supposed to be is sleeping right now. You should join him.”
Actual Real World Roommate Response: None.
4. Quote: “If I’m ever drunk and it’s late at night, don’t ever let me use the phone here.”
Appropriate Roommate Response: “You should really be sober enough to handle yourself late at night without my help, but I’ll keep an eye out.”
Actual Real World Roommate Response: Laughter.
3. Quote: “Sometimes, when I am drinking, I feel like I am outside my body, just watching what is happening.”
Appropriate Roommate Response: “You shouldn’t feel like that. Unless you are drinking LSD.”
Actual Real World Roommate Response: None.
2. Quote: “When I drink and those cages start rattling those demons break out and it is out of control.”
Appropriate Roommate Response: “Demons? Cages? Maybe you should seek some professional help. What? No. I am not talking about a hooker, Brandon.”
Actual Real World Roommate Response: None.
1. Quote: “I will kill everyone on this island and not give a bleep.”
Appropriate Roommate Response: Kill him before he kills you.
Actual Real World Roommate Response: None. (Seriously, how can you sleep on the same private island as someone who says that?)
At the end of the episode he does the whole “I am going to stop drinking, I am going to a meeting” thing that one cast member does every season on this show. It’s called “The Ruthie.” Honestly, I see his sobriety lasting about six or seven … minutes. If he doesn’t have a drink in the next episode I will write next week’s column after shotgunning a six-pack of beers. [Ed Note: We call the “editorial process” Jacoby.]
Ed (Bachelor Pad, Jacoby), 35 points: You know when you’re out drinking with your work friends, you don’t let loose like you would with your friend friends because, at the end of the day, these people still have to respect you, work with you, and trust you to, ya know, do stuff all professional-like? I will never understand how the alcopsychoholics on these shows manage to get so inslopsicated without a little voice in their head that says, “Hey self, maybe that 25th beer is a bad idea because those machines they are pointing at us are recording everything that we do and it is all going to be broadcast on national television.” Within the first four hours of being in the house, Ed was slurring his words (15 points), naked (20 points), and jumping in the pool. Not only was he slammered but he was that particular type of slammered where you are offended that no one else is getting slammered with you. He was the “C’mon, guys, this is the Bachelor Pad. Let’s do this, woooooooooo!” type of frat-boy drunk that when you are sober is the second-most-annoying thing in the world. (First is wet socks. I hate wet socks.)
Anyway, while Chris Harrison was trying to explain the rules of the show to the cast, a slammered Ed let out a huge burp. Are you ready for your life to get 2 percent more bitchin’ just by reading the next sentence? Start calling burps “mouth farts.” You’re welcome.
David (Bachelor Pad, Connor), 20 points: This season, the Bachelor Pad producers invited super-fans to join the cast. I always love when reality TV shows do this. It gives both the super-fans and the cast a reason to humiliate themselves. The super-fans treat the cast members like they are demi-gods and the existing cast members treat the fact that they have appeared on a couple episodes of a trashy TV show like they did a tour in Vietnam. David is one of the super-fans who is paired up with a set of trashy twins (more on them later) and the three of them won a date this episode. Being fans of the show, they knew that the only way to guarantee camera time was to “pull a Courtney” and skinny dip (20 points). Unfortunately, my favorite super-fan, “SWAT,” was voted off the show this week. But not before we got to see how he enjoys The Bachelor(ette) in his home life:
Pajamas? Check. Candles? Lit. Glass of wine? Pinot, baby. I can’t decide what I love more about SWAT, his terrible facial hair or how he de-stresses after a long day of fighting crime: “My job being a SWAT officer is very high risk and pretty dangerous. Not everybody can say that they go to work and kick in doors. I kick ass and take names, but I have a secret: I love to watch The Bachelor and Bachelorette. My job can be pretty stressful and when I unwind after a long day of work, I come home and I watch. Deep down, I’m a hopeless romantic and I really want to find that right woman fall in love and settle down.” I will never watch another frame of this franchise with a glass of wine, lit candles, and a terrible beard. Your legacy will live on, SWAT.
The Twins (Bachelor Pad, Kang), 20 points: Hey, Bachelor Pad Producers. You know those skinny-dipping (20 points) “super-fan” twins you put on the show this season? Yeah, they totally lied to you about being fans of the show and are the same Jersey Shore ladies who slept with half the cast in the Italy season. How do you not know that? I’m not even sure they’re twins; they might just be blonde chicks who are the same height. If these two get their own reality show, I’m never watching another second of reality TV and I am going to start reading nonfiction books about lesser-known presidents. Did you know William Henry Harrison was only president for a month? Cool, huh?
What’s that? Not cool at all? Yeah, I guess you’re right.
Anyway, these twins are particularly despicable. In their intro video they said in unison (read this in the most annoying voice you can muster), “Twins in the house … WHAAAAAAAAAAT?” while making these gestures:
That single sentence coming out of their mouths was the death of hip-hop culture. It was a good run, hip-hop. You will not be forgotten; rest in peace.
The Jersey Shore Slore Twins also graced us with this quote: “Sitting here right now is like totally [in unison] SURREAL. I feel so, like, subhuman. I honestly feel like I am in Disneyland, I feel like I am a robot.” Honestly, as dumb as they are, I think they summed themselves up pretty well: They are subhuman robots in Disneyland. Nail meet head.
Chris (Bachelor Pad, Lisanti), 15 points: I have no idea what the appeal of this dude is. None. Somehow he is already making out with one of the best-looking women in the house (5 + 5 =10 points) and they’re fighting over him (5 points). I don’t understand it. What women like about Chris the Terrible Dancer is just going to have to join static electricity, dog earthquake ESP, and ocean tides on the “Things That I Am Just Going to Have to be Comfortable Not Understanding” list.
Blakeley (Bachelor Pad, Simmons), 10 points: Of course they invited Blakeley back for Bachelor Pad, and of course she acted like a total stalker, lunatic, and unstable crazyball. She fell head-over-heels in love with Chris the Terrible Dancer after knowing him for 24 hours, and then went strait berserker when she saw him making out with Jamie (5 points) and cried (5 points). She was such a maniac I am going to have to double down on the GRTFL Top Five this week. The second top five is the Top Five Berserky Things That Blakeley Said This Episode and what exactly was berserky about them, in order from “kind of unstable” to “don’t make eye contact with her, it might be contagious”:
5. Quote: “Jamie is a beautiful girl and she can do whatever she wants, but Chris is my teammate and I carried him through the whole challenge.”
Why That Is Berserky: Those two things are completely, totally, wholly unrelated. That is like me saying, “Grantland is a great place to work, but unicorn bratwurst.”
4. Quote: She called Chris “athletic.”
Why That Is Berserky: Just look at the man dance!
3. Quote: “If you bleeping let me down, I swear to god, I will donkey-punch you in the throat so bad. I’m just saying.”
Why That Is Berserky: Wait. Did no PA in the edit say to the editor, “Um, you know that donkey punch is an extremely vulgar term and we shouldn’t be using it on prime time network television, right?” The problem is that everyone that works at the FCC is so square that things like “donkey punch” can get past them. I don’t even feel comfortable talking about it. Let’s move on.
2. Quote: “Chris disappointed me as a partner. I just feel, like, hurt all the way around. I mean, he is not my boyfriend, but I care enough about him to not disrespect him.”
Why That Is Berserky: The person whom she is talking about is not only not her boyfriend, she met him the previous day.
1. Quote: “I used to do VIP cocktailing but I had, like, an epiphany on the show and I was like, ‘Wow, I really want to focus on a career.’ So I went back and I started waxing. I love my job, the sacrifice is … all I do is wax p***y.”
Why That Is Berserky: I am not sure she has a complete understanding of the words “epiphany,” “sacrifice” and “career.” That is all I have to say about that.
Laura (Real World, Lisanti), 5 points: Laura made out with Remo, the sea lion (5 points). Rumor has it that Bunim Murray Producers offered Remo a spot in the cast and his response was, “Hell no. I know a dud season when I see one, lady.”
Aviva (Real Housewives of New York, Simmons), 5 points: Aviva scored five points in the GRTFL by mentioning her Miami home and scored a bazillion points in my heart by bringing her father George on the show. George is phenomenal. He is a 70-plus, sex-addicted, walking advertisement for Viagra. Check out this exchange with Aviva. And, oh yeah, remember — Aviva is his daughter:
George: “You really have a beautiful tan.”
Aviva: “I was lying in the sun.”
George: “If I wasn’t your father, boy, I would be after you.”
Aviva: “That’s disgusting.”
The man said, “IF I WASN’T YOUR FATHER, BOY, I WOULD BE AFTER YOU” and somehow managed to come off as super likeable doing it. He proves my theory that it isn’t what you say, it is how you say it. I love you, George. If you weren’t Aviva’s father, I would be all over you.
Erica Rose (Bachelor Pad, Lisanti), 5 points: Erica cried when she thought she was going to be voted off by the super-fans (5 points) and had this to say about them: “I went to pick Nick because I do not want to be partners with any of these fans. That would be like sleeping with the help.” Anyone who refers to other human beings as “the help” deserves a punishment so twisted and torturous it contains the term “town square.”
Jamie (Bachelor Pad, Lisanti), 0 points: Last time we saw Jamie, she had the most awkward kiss in the history of humanity on national television. If you don’t remember it, here’s the transcript:
Jamie: “I want a great kiss with you.”
Ben: “Do you want to try this again?”
Jamie: “OK, first of all — when my mouth is open your mouth is closed and vice versa.”
Ben: “Do you want my mouth closed or open?”
Jamie: “First our mouths are going to be closed and we are going to feel each other out. And then once we feel each other out, we are going to open our mouths.”
Ben: “That’s normally how kissing goes. You are not the first woman I have kissed.”
Jamie: “OK, ready? Are you nervous around me?”
Ben: “I am a little nervous right now.”
Jamie: “It’s OK, we are going to plan it and it is going to be OK. You are going to have your mouth closed first.”
Ben: “Mouth closed?”
Jamie: “No, no, no, mouth open … mouth closed … now we are going to explore, OK?”
Jamie: [Leans in then backs away.] “No, first …”
Ben: “I can’t bleeping take you seriously right now. This is like an instruction guide. I can’t handle this.”
So of course she’s tonguing down Chris the Terrible Dancer in the first episode of Bachelor Pad (5 points). She should have held up a sign afterward that read, “See America, I can kiss like a normal person. I will stop crying myself to sleep now.” She then got into an argument with Blakeley because, ya know, Blakeley is a berserker (5 points). And just when we thought she was putting together a solid scoring week by hooking up with someone that isn’t her partner (5 points), we realized that we forgot about the “hooking up with Chris the Terrible Dancer” deduction (-15 points) so she netted a zero. Too bad, Jamie. If you are going to keep hooking up with Chris, you are going to have to mix in some coitus denials and pregnancy scares just to stay in the black. I know you have it in you.
Carole (Real Housewives of New York, Connor), 5 points: Carole got 10 points for plugging her writing career, lost 10 points for refusing an alcoholic drink, blah, blah, blah … Look, I am just going to say it: I spend the entire episode watching Real Housewives of New York City just waiting for it to finish so I can watch Love & Hip Hop Atlanta. Is anyone else watching this show? Is this show going to bring the apocalypse? Is what I see on the screen really happening or did I dream it all? Is Steve J a real producer? Is Lil’ Scrappy’s mom really a retired pimp? I love you, Love & Hip Hop Atlanta, like real Mary J. Blige love.
Check Grantland later today for the Reality TV podcast. There is a lot to cover this week. It might go four hours.