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Grading the Top 10 Songs in … POP R&B!

1. Daft Punk ft. Pharrell Williams, “Get Lucky”

Just a great song, full stop. Make sure you watch the video until at least the 2:20 mark.

Grade: A

Best YouTube Comment: “OFFICIALLY NUMBER 1 IN THE UK! DAFT PUNK. THE GODS HAVE RETURNED” — supercooldude300

 

2. Snoop Lion ft. Miley Cyrus, “Ashtrays and Heartbreaks”

I make up new parody lyrics for this song in my head basically every day. Nobody has heard them … until now. Sample choruses: “Hashtags and Art Fakes,” “Handstands and Beefsteaks,” “Sea Lions and Hard Eggs.” You get the idea. Most of them involve food. Try it yourself at home!

Grade: B+

Best YouTube Comment: “I really don’t have enough hate in my heart to hate on this…maybe that rastafari’s contagious?” — Sosowah

 

3. Chris Brown, “Fine China”

I’ll say this for Chris Brown: He always somehow finds a way to get even worse. Here he blatantly attempts to channel Michael Jackson, and doesn’t totally fail (I know) but here’s the really unfortunate part: The song is called “Fine China,” and the video is about him dating an Asian girl and kung-fu fighting a group of break-dancers. Also for some reason Brown is wearing suspenders, a newsboy cap, and a gold bow tie, like he’s in Newsies. I guess just to make him look even douchier, which I didn’t think was possible until I saw the gold bow tie? He looks like a heroin-chic Pinocchio. By the way, Chris Brown, your girlfriend’s father actually has really good reasons for not wanting his daughter to date you!

Grade: C-

Best YouTube Comment: “lol fine china sounds like vagina” — MegaWeirdchild

 

4. Wanz, “Tell Me One More Time”

WANZ IS BRINGING NEW JACK SWING BACK WITH A FILTHY BASS LINE ALL MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE! Wanz is the guy who sings the hook on Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop.” He’s done a good job of keeping this song off YouTube, but you can stream it here on DJBooth. He’s releasing his EP Wander independently in the near future.

Grade: B+

Best YouTube Comment: “Dude has some silk on those pipes. So puts me in the mind of the Nate DodoubleG, RIP” — Matthew Lanham

 

5. The-Dream ft. Fabolous, “Slow It Down”

Did The-Dream announce that he’s not going to play this song on Top 40 radio as a dare? Or just an excuse to slant rhyme “radio” with “rodeo”? Is The-Dream singing “enough with the muthafuckin’ dance songs” a modern-day version of “disco sucks”? This is the first single from The-Dream’s new album, IV Play, and if that isn’t an obvious enough callback to the pied piper of R&B, he interpolates the “pretty round brown driving me wild” section of the old-school mix version of “Bump N’ Grind.” Now THERE’S a video with a memorable spoken interlude. The-Dream is aiming for R. Kelly classic status with this album, but making the comparison himself isn’t a good idea. Nor is Fabolous’s reference to Kellz in his dismal verse, because it just serves as a reminder that R. Kelly is superior in every way. Don’t front; you know about the rodeo show!

Grade: C+

Best YouTube Comment: “The Dream is my fav artist, but I’m not feeling this one.” — Curvydiva87

 

6. Bridget Kelly ft. Kendrick Lamar, “Street Dreamin”

This is from Funkmaster Flex’s new mixtape, Who You Mad At? Me Or Yourself? which is an amazing title for anything, but especially for a three-hour-long DJ mixtape.

Grade: B-

Best YouTube Comment: “Am I the only one who associate this beat to 2Pac’s Got My Mind Made Up?” — mparnowski

 

7. Snoop Lion ft. Drake & Cori B, “No Guns Allowed”

Snoop, I love you, but no. This one is too embarrassing.

Grade: D

Best YouTube Comment: “Who listens to this reggae shit, needs more dubstep. epic dr0pz ftw.” — imwivstupid

 

8. B.o.B., “Greedy Love”

The creepiest stop-motion R&B video since Kelis’s “Get Along With You”!

Grade: C

Best YouTube Comment: “I love the visuals. steampunk style works again =D” — pl1k

 

9. The-Dream, “IV Play”

MUCH BETTER, THE-DREAM. ALSO FUNNY THAT THIS SONG IS CALLED “IVPLAY” BUT IS ABOUT HOW YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN FOREPLAY; NOT SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT. GREAT SONG THOUGH! PRETTY SURE PEOPLE WILL ENGAGE IN FOREPLAY TO IT ANYWAY.

Grade: A+

Best YouTube Comment: “wet pussy all the way” — nadiasmithbrown

 

10. Ciara, “Body Party”

I’m into narrative interludes in videos when they’re good (this), and I hate them soooo much when they’re bad (the Chris Brown video). The best ones become a part of your knowledge of the songs and are their own kind of remix. I love Ciara. As soon as this video came out, people were quoting it, but Rembert already nailed everything about it. HE READS!

Grade: A

Best YouTube Comment: “SO FUTURE WAS LOOKING FOR CIARA THE WHOLE TIME” — BrandonWalker