Sometimes you wake up on Monday morning, bleary-eyed and dreading the endless, unknowable expanse of the workweek that looms before you, and think of nothing else but going back to bed. But then you pour yourself a cup of coffee, log in to your Internet machine, and have your eyes opened to the infinite wonders of this world.
Behold Charlo Greene, one of those wonders. She quit her job as a local TV reporter in Anchorage, Alaska, last night, and she did it on-air. And she did it in the most spectacular fashion possible, finishing up a story on the Alaska Cannabis Club, outing herself as its owner, and pledging to rededicate herself to the noble cause of marijuana legalization. (A worthy mission, for sure, because how can one be expected to handle the rigors of the untamed Alaskan wilderness without access to a fully legal supply of Purple Moosekiller?)
But the real Moment of Greatness, the one that will make her the Most Famous Person In The World Today by the time we’re all unpacking our brown-bag lunches at our desks, came in her final words as an employee of CBS affiliate KTVA, an “I’m mad as hell as I’m not going to take it anymore!”1 for the instant-media age. Full Beale Mode:
OK, fine, it’s more like the “I’m baked right now and this is all bullshit, let’s get a Chalupa, whatevs.”
Fuck it, I quit.
Yes, pity the poor anchor rendered speechless by that unexpected bowl of piping-hot quitness tossed right into her lap, but only for a second. Because this is Charlo Green’s time. The Internet is about to upload her into immortality. She will now live forever inside it as a god, making regular visitations to us in the form of Vines, GIFs, memes. She will be with us always at our desks, on our phones, shrugging up at us from the screens of our iWatches at I Don’t Give a Fuck O-Clock.2
4:20 p.m., obviously. All time zones.
And we all witnessed it together.
Fuck it, she quits.
But we all go back to work now.
It’s only Monday morning, there’s a lot of Internet left to do.