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Fiona Apple’s Response to Texas Hash Bust Excellently Fiona Apple–y

Fiona tells about jail.

Fiona AppleLast week, Fiona Apple was arrested in Sierra Blanca, Texas, for possession of marijuana and hash. She was charged with a felony, and eventually released on $10,000 bail. Pretty standard celebrity hijinks, right? Wrong! This is Fiona Apple we’re talking about here. Things were bound to get a little Fiona Apple–y.

After missing her scheduled concert in Austin because of the arrest, Apple played Houston on Friday night, and kicked off the show with a wavering explanation of her drug-related troubles. There were two basic points: (1) The guy who runs the jail is a cool dude, and Fiona is sorry that she was “being attitude-y”; (2) There were these other four guys, and Apple doesn’t specify who or where they were, but she does want them “to know that I heard everything you did, I wrote it all down with your names and everything you did and said, stupidly thinking that I couldn’t hear or see you,” and she’ll make those guys “famous anytime you ask.” Crucially: “I then ripped the paper up, but not before I encoded it and — I got two lock boxes. We’ll call them ‘holding cell one’ and ‘holding cell two.’ In ‘holding cell one’ is the encoded version of the shit that you did that I know was inappropriate and probably illegal. In ‘holding cell two’ is the decoder.” One question — what size decoder fits in a lock box?! This is some high-end decodin’/lock-boxin’.

Check out the clip below, then take a minute to silently thank Fiona Apple for not kicking off your week by confusing things. She’s Fiona Apple. She does Fiona Apple–y things. By the way: As of press time, Grantland can neither confirm nor deny rumors that the full text of Fiona Apple’s speech will be the title of her next album.