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Does Ben Affleck Go Full-Frontal in ‘Gone Girl’? Michael Fassbender’s Penis Responds

The online waters of prurient curiosity have been liberally chummed with the tantalizing possibility that, yes, Ben Affleck’s penis makes some kind of appearance in his new movie.

“I try to get it in every movie,” joked Gone Girl star Ben Affleck, about his penis, to MTV.

“There’s some brief, ah, very brief nudity, I think,” hemmed and hawed Gone Girl Star Ben Affleck, about his penis, wondering if he’d said too much about the topic.

“The penis is in there! It’s IMAX penis! You’ve gotta pay 15 bucks to see it in 3-D!” doubled down Gone Girl star Ben Affleck, about his penis, figuring, Hey, if my penis is actually in this thing, let’s put it to work selling some tickets.

And so the online waters of prurient curiosity were liberally chummed with the tantalizing possibility that, yes, Ben Affleck’s penis would make some kind of appearance in his new movie, ranging from “a fleeting glimpse of side-junk” to “stretched across a 100-foot screen for an unprecedented and immersive Ben-Affleck-penis cinematic experience, maybe even doing that cheesy 3-D thing where it protrudes violently into the theater, like it’s going to impale you through your eye socket on its way to knocking over the hot dog rotisserie at the concession stand.” Tongues wagged, hearts palpitated, loins sympathetically stirred. And when selected media members emerged from fortuitously timed screenings last night, reports quickly trickled out regarding whether Ben Affleck’s penis actually appears in Gone Girl, many sounding something like this: “I think it’s in there. I saw it. Probably. That was probably his penis in that one scene. Yeah.”

As we are wont to do when a story of such huge import breaks, we called Grantland’s special correspondent for celebrity-genitalia matters, Michael Fassbender’s penis, for comment.

Have you heard about Ben Affleck’s penis in Gone Girl?

I’m a little offended you would even ask. I cover my beat, just like you do.

I apologize. But have you seen the movie yourself?

I have not. We like to buy a ticket and go see it with the general public. Michael and I don’t play that Hollywood game of getting a screener sent over to our place; we like to experience it with real people. It’s the only way to see movies, especially ones where a big star might go full-frontal. You have to be there, in person, to gasp along with the audience. Or giggle. Or cry.

My sources say it’s a lot less than full-frontal.

I can’t say that I’m surprised. There’s too much at stake. He’s Batman now. There’s an entire industry out there to make sure his penis never escapes the impenetrable codpiece of their financial interests.

Are you saying Ben Affleck’s penis is a sellout?

I’m not saying that at all. For all I know, Ben Affleck’s penis fought hard to be on total display, raw and uncut, to be true to the spirit of the piece. They’re a team with a lot of clout right now, coming off the Oscars. Maybe they cashed some chips to get whatever it is they got.

But it also wouldn’t surprise me if Warner Bros. called and asked Fox to snip it way back. There’s a horse-trading that happens. And at the end of the day, money speaks louder than penises. That’s the way the system works. And always will work, sadly.

You hear a lot of chatter in pretty rarefied industry circles. How’s the insider buzz around Ben Affleck’s penis right now?

It’s a tricky thing. Sure, there are a lot of people talking about it, but what are they saying? It’s mostly been “Is it even in there?” even from some people who say they’ve already seen screenings. That’s a little bit concerning.

Today - Season 63

So you’re not threatened by this hot newcomer everybody suddenly seems to be obsessed with?

Let me put it this way: When I’m in a movie, people know. There are no questions about it. I make an impression. I’m on all the blogs. In the papers. People from Entertainment Tonight are waving microphones at me. There’s no “Is he or isn’t he?” to it.

And in all the things I’ve heard and read, not one has used the word “enormous.” This doesn’t seem to be another Jon Hamm situation.

So am I worried? Does the cobra fear the earthworm?

Those are strong words. I just hope things don’t get awkward next time you run into one another at an audition.

Audition? I’m offer-only. I don’t care that they have Oscars. That was behind-the-camera stuff. It’s about how much penis winds up onscreen, and my work stands for itself. They’ll be getting my pass-projects for years after this movie opens and people see what’s going on there. “Nice cameo.”

But you still think you’ll go to Gone Girl this weekend?

Absolutely. You have to be aware of what’s going on in your business. That’s just being smart about your craft.

So I’ll be there. I’m a huge David Fincher fan. I hope to one day work with him. I don’t care if he wants me to do a hundred takes per scene, making sure the towel glances off me perfectly as Michael drops it after getting out of the shower. I’m a professional. I’m eager for that kind of challenge.

You can’t help but wonder how Ben Affleck’s penis handled it. Not everyone rises to that particular occasion. I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

Thanks as always for your time.

My pleasure.

And tell Fincher to call me. We’re going to make this happen. I don’t need much time between takes. I’m always ready to go again.