“Watch this.” Thus spake Dennis Rodman, getting ready to make Michael Bay’s big walk-out video look like a hiccup. (Yes, it’s Meltdown Tuesday; Reubens are half-price till seven.) Conferencing from Pyongyang with CNN’s Chris Cuomo on Tuesday morning, Rodman wound up summoning a verbally terrifying and contextually baffling hurricane. It was incredible.
The occasion? Rodman is back in North Korea alongside a few former NBA players to play a game in celebration of the birthday of leader Kim Jong-un, whom Rodman met in 2013 and called “a friend for life.” (F4L.) “The trip takes place just weeks after North Korea shocked the world by announcing the purge and execution of Kim’s once-powerful uncle,” CNN writes. “There are also concerns for the welfare of U.S. citizen Kenneth Bae, who’s been detained there for more than a year for reasons that are unclear.”
Oh man, Kenneth Bae? Rodman’s Kryptonite. In the clip, his voice mutates between Marlon Brando’s Don Corleone, Cookie Monster after three beers, and a pro wrestler with a gullet full of rubble. “Kenneth Bae did one thing,” Rodman starts. Sweet, Dennis, tell us what it was, since no one else really knows yet! “If you understand what Kenneth Bae did … do you understand what he did in this country? No, no, no, no, you tell me, you tell me! Why is he held captive here in this country, why?” This is where things start going badly. “I would love to speak on this,” Rodman goes on, and that’s exactly where things get worse. “You got ten guys here — ten guys here — they have left their families, left they damn families, to help this country, in a sports venture. That’s ten guys, all these guys here, do anyone understand that? Christmas, New Year’s. I don’t give a shit, I don’t give a rat’s ass what the hell you think! I’m saying to you, look at these guys here, look at ’em … they dared to do one thing, they came here, they came here!”
Shortly after the CNN spot, a major casting agent offered Rodman and his cigar and his immensely expressive hands a role as the next Bond villain. The rest was history.