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Demi Moore’s New Hot Young Australian Boyfriend … and Other Absurdities From This Week’s Tabloids

Demi Moore

Star

Demi Moore Moves On: Demi is “loving it up with a hot new boytoy: Will Hanigan, 30, a commercial pearl diver and adventurer from Perth, Australia.” Will tells Star, “She’s an amazing woman. We know each other through yoga, and we’ve become close.” Through naked yoga. “Demi and Will made an arresting pair when spotted at Nine Treasures Yoga in West Hollywood on May 1. While Demi was dressed in all black and carried a traditional rolled yoga mat on her back, towering Will looked more like a Viking, with his long blond hair and beard and a mat made out of a shearling robe slung over his shoulder.” He looks like a Game of Thrones character, to be honest. Three days later they returned, and were “making naughty use of the facility’s sauna. They get massages before going in — and they can actually be heard making wild sexual noises inside.” Receipts? Field recordings?

“Will is clearly a passionate individual, and Demi seems to be enjoying every moment with him.” What else? “Will is affiliated with Pinc Pearls, a high-end Australian jewelry company featuring his precious bounty from the sea, and has worked as part of the road crew for the Australian hip-hop/reggae artist Dub FX. He’s also a deeply spiritual individual who appears to follow the Sikh religion and has adopted the alternate name Simranjeet Singh. But Will’s adventurous side has led him down on path that’s fraught with red flags — especially where Demi is concerned. Last year, Will spent time at an Amazon jungle retreat in Peru, where he experimented with ayahuasca, a liquid brewed from local vines and leaves that contains the hallucinogenic drug DMT and is illegal in the U.S.” Oh, not a great idea for Demi to trip on ayahuasca. “Will described his trippy experience in an Internet video: ‘I went through some interesting stuff with the mind, and then it got to the point where I was just feeling like I was about to leave my body. I wasn’t prepared to leave my body, so I put up a bit of a fight. So it was really cool to experience something on that level.” OH, Erowid Vault. “Will has crowded his public Facebook profile with hundreds of photos of his outdoorsy adventures around the world, including deep-sea fishing, camping, kayaking, sailing, and as Demi might want to take note of, partying with gorgeous young women.” Demi’s friends are concerned, but not too worried. “Will is obviously an earthy guy and seems to have a lot of good qualities.”

Margaret Cho Outs John Travolta in Her Act: “He is so gay. John Travolta is so gay. He’s not just gay. He doesn’t just like men. He is like Oscar Wilde gay … like Lord Byron gay. That kind of crazy, incredibly flamboyant gay … I know him well because I did a movie with him and worked with him for a year.” The movie she is talking about is John Woo’s flawless Face/Off. “I feel bad for him, because I know he would be much happier if he could just come out. But he can’t.”

Jennifer Lawrence Back With Nicholas Hoult? The former couple were seen having dinner in New York. “They were laughing all night. Romantic sparks were flying and she’s wondering what it would be like to date him again.” They both attended the Met Ball, but never crossed paths. But then late that night and the morning after, Hoult was spotted out with Riley Keough. The dinner may have just been a formality to make sure they didn’t have problems filming the next X-Men. “They had dinner because the studio worried about them filming together.” Well, there’s plenty of time to rekindle the romance during X-Men: Days of Future Past.

Nicki Shades Mariah (Again): “All dem #1s but JLo phone ringin? Lol. I guess having a personality, being a secure woman, and giving genuine critique trumps that.”

Miley Shops When She Is Sad: “Forget pints of ice cream and sappy movies — Miley Cyrus’ remedy for her broken heart is to shop until she drops! The 20-year-old star has been spending wildly since her reported split from fiancé Liam Hemsworth, who is now secretly dating Mad Men vixen January Jones.” January! Not cool! “In addition to ordering a $150,000 new Porsche, Miley has dropped more than $60,000 on furniture for her Toluca Lake, Calif. home and at least $100,000 on jewelry and clothes.” Friends say she is deeply depressed. “Miley can’t seem to stop spending. She is really sad, and it’s the only thing that seems to cheer her up. All she wants to do is work on her new album and shop.” Hey at least she’s working on her album though, yadadamean?

Drew Barrymore & Will Kopelman Spice It Up: “They’ll meet at the bar and pretend to be business travelers. Once, Drew dressed up as a chambermaid and Will was a hotel guest!” Isn’t he also really a hotel guest?

Leonardo DiGatsbio: “I think we can all relate to the dreamer in Gatsby. He has lifted himself up by his own bootstraps as a poor youth and created this image that is the Great Gatsby. It’s a truly American story in that regard.” What about your pal Tobey Maguire? “This project took a core unit of trust for me, and having someone I’ve known for 20 years involved was incredibly comforting. I don’t know if this would have happened if we didn’t have that sort of relationship. We’re always extremely honest with each other.”

Let NeNe Leakes’s Love Adorn You: “I am really loving Miguel at the moment. Anything by him is my favorite.” Have you heard “#Beautiful” with Mariah Carey yet? Her favorite guilty pleasures: “One of my favorite things that’s not very good food for you are Life Savers Gummies. I also watch a lot of trash TV — I love reality shows.”

Andy Dick & RHOBH’s Jennifer Gimenez: Hottest new reality TV couple! “He can be inappropriate, so she loves him.”

Amanda Bynes Is Performance Art? “Could her bizarre behavior actually be a weird kind of performance art, a la Joaquin Phoenix’s public unraveling in 2009, which turned out to be a stunt for his mockumentary I’m Still Here?” No.

Kelly Clarkson & Brandon Blackstock: “Pals say the Grammy winner, 30, who was devastated when her man told her he ‘wasn’t attracted to her anymore’ after her latest weight gain, is more than determined to get in shape.” DUMP HIM. Patti Stanger says, “this type of male behavior is common. Kelly shouldn’t take this as a superficial thing and realize Brandon loves her and wants to spend more time with her.” Uh, Patti are you sure? It just sounds like he’s being really hostile. “My advice to Kelly: Hit the gym, and I bet your honey won’t be able to keep his hands off you!” DAMN IT, PATTI.

Mad Men Mirrors Real Life: Mad Men actress Linda Cardellini’s steamy on-camera sex scenes with Jon Hamm are making her real-life boyfriend go, well, mad! Linda, 37, who plays Jon’s new lover on the hit show, has been dating designer Steven Rodriguez for years, and despite having a child together, he’s always been reluctant to tie the knot. But insiders tell Star the hot-and-heavy assignments Linda’s gotten recently made Steven realize he doesn’t want to put off marriage any longer.” That’s much better than Don’s reaction to Megan’s soap opera sex scenes. “Watching her scenes with Jon made [Rodriguez] tense. He’s ready to take the plunge.” Patti Stanger says “Just making it perfectly clear that there’s any competition out there can make any committment-phobe eager to settle down. It seems Steven didn’t know what he had until he saw the sharks circling in the water. I hope Steven learns the lesson that girls like Linda don’t come along every day.” He might learn this valuable lesson: Unless your game is tight and you trust her (and even then) don’t bring your girl around Don Draper. He’s a flirt.

Misc/Etc: “Mariah Carey channeled Cinderella” “he drinks by himself at home and always reeks of alcohol” “to save not only his acting career but his life” “many of whom are industry big wigs” “put another nail in the coffin of her Disney-darling image” “Or simply a new leather-pants-and-sneakers combo?” “One must-have California feature it’s not: fireproof” “heinous bridesmaid dresses” “BUTT SERIOUSLY, MILEY” “refueled with some Jamba Juice and a nosh” “Leonardo DiCaprio couldn’t resist soaking up some Vitamin D” “He still drinks and hangs out with friends a lot. They are not 100 percent solid, like their image suggests” “CRAZY ON DRUGS, OR ACTING?” “showed off her square breasts” “aging but still edgy” “happening club scene of Valparaiso” “nicknamed Special K and Little Grape” “declared Bush’s rock anthem ‘Machinehead’ the ultimate workout song”

 

Us Weekly

Busy Philipps: “Insane pregnancy dreams … I dreamt I was hanging out with John Mayer and we were both wearing ridiculous fedoras.” THAT WAS NO DREAM, KIM KELLY!

Kim Kardashian: “I never thought I would ever say this … but I’m wearing flats today.”

Britney Loves/Hates Her Ass: “My booty. I like it, but then again, I hate it. I’m in my thirties now, so I have to work harder to, you know, keep it ‘up.'”

Winona Ryder: Heathers is like my own Rocky Horror Picture Show. I recite the lines when it’s on.” So do I! Winona Ryder, still the coolest girl ever.

Martha Stewart Sets Up an Online Dating Profile: “I started to laugh halfway down the page. It was, like, impossible.” Get on Tinder!

Demi Lovato: “After being in rehab for three months, I expected lots of text messages and phone calls. I had four texts. That was a wake-up call.”

Connie Britton & Lauren Graham Squatted Together: “Not only did Connie Britton, 46, room with New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, 46, in college, she squatted with Lauren Graham circa 1995.” Punk rock girls! Graham told Andy Cohen, “We were living in an empty house we weren’t supposed to be living in. All we ate were Rice Krispies treats!”

Lindsay Lohan Is a Pathological Liar: “I’ve never really been a huge drinker.”

Chris Brown Tries to Spin Getting Dumped by Rihanna: “I can’t really be focused on wife-ing somebody that young.” OH OK SURE.

Zoe Saldana: “I might end up with a woman, raising my children … That’s how androgynous I am.”

Misc/Etc: “I’ll either work on something I love or sit on my ass” “Fat-shamed by tabloids and internet trolls” “We disagree all the time! He secretly likes it!” “It wasn’t a stable environment” “with a seductive twist” “Someone just dropped a plate and it made me want to cry” “a doc whose brother cuts out his brain!” “D.C.’s elite started out as dancers and drag queens” “terrorized by, you guessed it, an angry grizzly” “He’s a very nice husband!” “it’s a new feeling” “flaunted her famous figure in a peach one-piece” “Ian Ziering prepped for his Chippendales debut” “He’s the most sensitive, generous man without being fragile” “I am going to be working my whole life. I love making money.” “Seven months pregnant and glorious in a bikini” “They talk 100 times a day” “feeling the eros” “The bride was, as she might say, beautimous” “ATVs and plastic trees adorned the cake” “It was a gut punch”

 

In Touch

Ke$ha on Songwriting: “I turn off all the lights and I walk over to the piano and gently lower my boobs … onto the keys, and I just let them tickle the ivories.”

Lance Bass on One Direction: “My guess is one of them is gay.”

Amanda Bynes Fan Fiction: “Dressed in a black lace push-up bra and skintight leggings, Amanda Bynes smiled as she snapped one of her signature selfies in the bathroom of her NYC apartment on a recent evening. She was practically naked. It was almost like she was trying to seduce someone.” THE INTERNET! “That someone is hip-hop artist Drake.” Well, duh. “Her obsession with him is intense, to say the least.” She “gushed about loving his far apart eyes” and tweeted “Drake and Amanda Bynes 4 ever.” She’s been trying to look like Blac Chyna, who Drake mentioned in a lyric. Drake isn’t going to respond. “He’s just embarrassed at this point. But he won’t say anything publicly because he doesn’t want to be unkind.” But Amanda is “not one to give up easily” and “crazy-obsessed.”

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Relationship Advice: Chelsea Handler recounts that “Gwyneth’s an amazing advice-giver.” According to her, “Gwyneth’s remedy” for relationship turmoil? “Whatever you’re doing, do the opposite. If you feel angry, give him a blowjob.” I’m sure Patti Stanger would agree with you? Ya dingbat.

Kim Kardashian: “If she turns up in a magazine looking amazing in a bikini, you can bet she controlled the whole thing.”

Misc/Etc: “Miranda Kerr, 30, courts attention in a pair of gold shorts at a basketball-inspired Vogue shoot.” “You throw, girl!” “I am passionate about fitness” “SOCIAL CLIMBER” “swollen feet or a new Givenchy tattoo?” “I hang with the gays but I ain’t gay” “livid that this woman is coming around after all these years” “She found her soul mate and put all the drama behind her” “weird skin things” “He ain’t seen nothing yet” “The humiliation Matt exposed himself to with his dancing — seen as a desperate move to seem likable as controversy swirls around him — pales in comparison to what could be headed his way next.” “the perky and younger Savannah” “proof that sometimes good guys do finish first” “travel the world telling people’s stories” “I Lost 30 Pounds in 6 Weeks (And Yes, I’m Really Hungry!)” “doing what they really, really want” “there’s a 14-year-old girl inside of me”

 

OK!

Farrah Abraham’s Backdoor Teen Mom“You make your own video to celebrate your awesome body. Why not sell it?”

Misc/Etc: “PORN, PRISON, DRUGS!” “While her image is sweet, Taylor’s not afraid to bring the sexy!” “(Hello, zipper disaster!)” “kept pawing her midsection all night” “Pastels look great on strawberry blondes” “HELLO, BUMP!” “treating her like she’s some fragile, delicate flower” “Yep, I still have purple hair” “DOGGIE DAY IN LONDON TOWN” “He is still a young kitty so he loves to play with any pole that has a dangler” “I was a confident, popular cheerleader” “she’s gotten addicted to the attention and money and now she’ll do anything for it” “SHE HAS A DEATH WISH” “career ambitions were tearing them apart” “8 bedrooms and 10.5 bathrooms” “I normally get naked and make clothes on myself”