The Academy Awards spectacular is only a few nights away, and the big question on everyone’s mind is: Who am I wearing? (That’s a secret between me and my wardrobe dude, Rodney.) What I can tell you is how to make a few jermajesties off the gala event.
Most of the categories are already decided. The Artist for Best Picture (-900). Michel Hazanavicius (The Artist) for Best Director (-600). Christopher Plummer for Best Supporting Actor (-4000). Octavia Spencer (-2000) for Best Supporting Actress. All are cost-prohibitive locks. But luckily I was able to find a handful of profitable opportunities that will fill your pockets with loot you can lose in a few weeks on the play-in game of the NCAA tournament. Have I ever steered you wrong? Nevermind. I miss football.
Winner of Best Actress award: Meryl Streep (even)
Getting even odds for Meryl Streep to win the Best Actress Oscar is like getting even odds on Meryl Streep to win the Best Actress Oscar. The Iron Lady = an iron-clad lock!
Winner of Best Actor award: Jean Dujardin (-130)
If Betty White can win a Grammy, a man who utters zero words in his performance can take home an Oscar. Hollywood loves everything about this movie.
The predominant color of the dress worn by the Best Actress winner will be white (+110)
I’m assuming these odds are for pre-Gatorade dump. White is a strong bet. Put a few jermajesties on orange at 16/1 as well. This Lorax fascination is getting out of hand.
The Best Actress and Supporting Actress winners will NOT cry during their acceptance speeches (-167)
I’m predicting a dry night. This is a tough group of gals. Although I wouldn’t rule out any tears when Billy Crystal’s song and dance parody of The Artist enters minute 19. Question — why can’t the orchestra play off an Oscar bit for going too long?
40/1 odds at least one of the 6 main winners will drop their Oscar from the time they are handed the award to the time they finish their acceptance speech
This is a real proposition and the most fun wager on the board. Just close your eyes and pray for a Lee Evans moment. FYI — I have a guy on the inside rubbing down the trophies with Crisco as I type.
The following are made up, but are being seriously considered by offshore sportsbooks for next year’s Oscars, and in some cases new Olympic events for the 2014 Winter Games.
65/1 odds Brad Pitt wins the award for Best Actor and during his acceptance speech apologizes for Moneyball’s blatant historical shortcomings
I don’t care how breathtakingly handsome you want to make your GM — you absolutely cannot make a legitimate movie about the 2002 Oakland A’s with barely a mention of Tim Hudson, Barry Zito and Mark Mulder. Congratulations on the walks, Scott Hatteberg – this team does nothing without its 57 wins from baseball’s premiere pitching trio.
135/1 odds that Kim Jong Il closes out the Oscar “In Memoriam” montage
Say what you will about what a peculiar and ruthless little boy dictator he was, but Kim Jong Il was nothing short of dynamite in Team America: World Police. The Academy would be remiss to exclude him from the montage’s hammer position. Apologies to Cleopatra.
6/1 odds that War Horse wins for Best Makeup
I’ll admit — most of the work was already done by God. But you have to give credit where credit is due when the right mix of rouge and mane-grooming products led to Nicolas Cage’s most convincing performance in a lead role since Leaving Las Vegas.
35/1 odds Woody Allen hooks up with Miss Piggy at the Vanity Fair post-Oscar party
I know Jewish people are supposed to avoid pork but I have a special feeling about these two kids.
17/1 odds that an intoxicated Meryl Streep reaches for her Academy Award while leaving an Oscar after party and instead walks off with Peter Dinklage
You laugh — but this exact scenario took place with Katharine Hepburn and Dudley Moore back in ’81.
Even odds that at some point during her red carpet special Joan Rivers makes a racially insensitive joke directed at Jeremy Lin having nothing at all to do with the Academy Awards
I’d like to apologize for her in advance. She’s old and can’t help herself. Don’t do it ,Joan!!
125/1 odds that at the end of the Oscars Billy Crystal pulls off a mask and reveals he’s actually Eddie Murphy playing a character
Would this not be the greatest moment in the history of Hollywood? I mean aside from the time Eddie was caught with a tranny, of course.
5/2 odds that, after his success picking Oscar winners on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Uggie, the dog from The Artist, will end up writing an NFL gambling blog for Grantland.com
That’s that. Be sure to tune in to my cousin Jimmy Kimmel Live’s post-Oscar special. Jimmy is my cousin. Not the special itself. We’ve got Oprah. Yes, Winfrey — and tons of other A-listers. Check your local listings — all of them.
Enjoy the Oscars.
— Cousin Sal