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Consider James Franco’s Oscar Sh*t: The Video


Back in September, the Spring Breakers team announced its (probably doomed) intention to chase a Best Supporting Actor nomination for James Franco, releasing an ad to awards voters showing his lusciously begrilled Alien double-fisting a couple of statuettes, a pose suggesting he’d not only already won, but also decided to storm the podium and take a second trophy, because it would look better to have two of those little gilded fuckers splayed out among the treasures on his bed. (He’s right — you need that kind of respectable hardware to balance out the AK-47s and precarious Jenga towers of shuriken. That’s just basic feng shui, y’all.) Now that we’re heading into the year-end Oscar-qualifying sprint, the Breakers gang seems to realize the buzz on competitors like Dallas Buyers Club’s Jared Leto and 12 Years a Slave’s Michael Fassbender has become deafening, kicking things into a higher gear with the release of the first “Consider His Shit” video. So here it is. And it’s all wrong.

Why so considerous? Alien’s not about approving pull quotes from the awards chatterati and a sanitized-for-your-elderly-voter-protection greatest-hits reel. Save that noise for Hanksing Mr. Banks or whatever courtesy effort is in Harrison Ford’s contract for 42. This video needed to be: Alien sitting at that piano, belting Britney like a Day-Glo wolf caught in a solid-gold leg-trap; four neon-bikinied, ski-masked girls with a blood-alcohol content of “sex on the beach” smashing up Bradley Cooper’s limousine with hammers; Alien alternating between deep-throating the barrel of a loaded pistol and an Oscar’s gleaming head. Stop some hearts. Make some real noise. Consider THAT shit. Let’s do this right next time.