There is a song called “Gangnam Style” by a human named Psy and it’s the worst song of 2012. It is very popular, with its official video tallying more than 970 million views on YouTube, but it is still the worst song of 2012. The dance associated with the song has really taken off, making appearances in every wedding reception, bar mitzvah, and after-funeral party attendable, but it is still the worst song of 2012. At one point it was the top rap song on the Billboard charts, an especially awkward achievement, partially because it is to rap what I am to body sculpting, and partially because it’s easily the worst song of 2012. And finally, the song has become an easy target for spoofing and remixing, which, for once, makes complete sense, because it is the worst song of 2012.
One of these remixes hit the Internet this weekend, by Philadelphia rapper Cassidy. On paper, this is strange, because he has long prided himself on being pretty much the “realest” man that has ever walked this earth, never concerning himself with “publicity” or “selling out” or “making money.” Doing a remix to the most popular/worst song of the year seems like the opposite of that lifestyle — that is, until he takes it in the most unconventional direction possible. The way his version begins:
Attention attention, I go by the name of Cassidy, the Hustla. And I would like to make a public service announcement. It’s a lot of diseases that’s going around —
It is at this point that the infectious, “staple your ears together so they never hear anything else ever again” thump of The Gangnam begins. The collision of that beat and his words is one of the funnier moments of recent memory. Cassidy continues:
— that’s deadly. And there’s no coming back from that. So I need y’all to know that if y’all gon’ have sex, you got to wear a condom. Going raw is out of the question. So whenever you about to jump it off, I need you to keep this in mind: stroke ’em condom style.
Why does he end it like that?
Because the song is called “Condom Style.” Cassidy’s “Gangnam Style” remix is called “Condom Style.”
There’s currently talk on the Internet about how serious/tongue-in-cheek this version is, but that doesn’t matter. Don’t concern yourself with that. Fellow Philly rapper Meek Mill, who has a habit of trying to beef with Cassidy, has taken to Instagram and called “Condom Style” “the worst song in the history of rapping.” Don’t concern yourself with that either. When dealing with things of the “Condom Style” variety, only focus on the lyrics. And the message. Here’s a gem:
This bad chick, name Stephanie,
Said her destiny is to mess with me,
She pressing me to have sex with me,
But Stephanie could have a STD.
She start to kissing and caressing me,
Yes, she was sexually molesting me,
But having sex unprotectedly
Is like putting your life in jeopardy.
Fantastic. Here’s the hook:
Stroke ‘em condom style,
Condom style,
Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke,
Stroke ‘em condom style,
Condom style,
Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke,
Stroke ‘em condom style.
Great. More hook-like things:
Hey, sexy lady,
Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke,
Stroke ‘em condom style.
Hey, sexy lady,
Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke.
Phenomenal. One more line:
But if she want me to go on without a Trojan,
Esta loca.
I think that’s enough. At this point, I would like to take a brief moment to thank Cassidy for a few things. One, I salute you for bringing “stroke” back into the mainstream. It’s been too long. Such a very brave move on your part, in this, December of 2012. Secondly, thank you for caring about sexual awareness. We need more of your kind. And thirdly, thank you for realizing that “Gangnam” and “Condom” semi-rhyme, and then taking it there. You’re truly in a class all your own, Tha Hustla. One of one.
Mayans in T-minus six days, people. If this wasn’t your final warning, I simply don’t know what else it will take. ARK SIX HUDSON RIVER STAND UP.