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Brad Finds a New Jennifer … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

Jennifer Lawrence

Us

Jennie Garth and Peter Facinelli: Nothing ever goes right for 90210‘s Kelly Taylor, perpetual victim of circumstance. “Watching a cow on her Santa Ynez, California, ranch tend to its newborn calf, Jennie Garth offered up a reassuring message to her daughters” as cameras rolled for her new reality show. “That’s all a baby needs. His mama. Just the two of them. That makes a family.” It was “undoubtedly bittersweet” as Garth and “her husband of 11 years, Twilight actor Peter Facinelli — had decided to separate.” They made the split public in March, but “it’s been over for months, maybe even a year. They kept up some sort of charade for their kids. They’ve been working on the marriage for a while. It was not something they took lightly.” Facinelli experienced a popularity bump from his role as the Cullen patriarch in the Twilight franchise. “He used to be the one with the kids when she was a bigger star. She was jealous of his new life.” The new life included “the attention of throngs of women — which unnerved Garth.” Of course it did. Throngs! “She was jealous if he would even talk to another woman.” Which he was doing, apparently, “hitting clubs with his younger castmates” in Vancouver, “including preferred wingman Kellan Lutz.” In 2010 Garth said “I yearn for time with Peter, just so we can connect.” Maybe Dylan McKay’s still available. Just kidding, Dylan would totally be dead by now.

Heidi Klum and Sandra Bullock: The brand-new BFFs had a long dinner together at Mr. Chow. “They were there for hours.” After eating they got in a car together. “The girls had two shots of tequila each, and they high-fived both times!”

Minka Kelly and Wilmer Valderrama: Kind of inevitable, no? “They were kissing and grinding at West Hollywood’s Greystone Manor Supperclub,” an eyewitness reports of “Derek Jeter’s onetime love” and the “ex of Lindsay Lohan and Mandy Moore” (Wilmer spilled dirt on both in an infamous Howard Stern interview). Valderrama “has been squiring Kelly around town — to Disneyland and L.A. eatery Pink Taco.” Pink Taco is a terrible chain founded by Harry Morton, son/heir to the Hard Rock Cafe dynasty, who also dated Lohan. It’s a small town. A friend of Wilmer’s says “I wouldn’t say they’re boyfriend and girlfriend, but he’s started ignoring calls from some of his other girls.” Stay gross, Wilmer.

Jason Segel on Hillary Clinton: “She would be good at comedy. I think you can feel that from a mile away.”‘

Julie Bowen on Marriage: “I would have had a bullet in my head so long ago if I was married to me!”

Jon Hamm on Fatherhood: “I’d be a terrible father! I see my friends who have children and I’m like, ‘Dude, how are you even upright, much less here at work at 6 a.m.?'”

Starlets and Their Barbies:

    1. “I cut their hair then stuck the heads on Christmas lights. Every year we’d string our tree with those Barbie heads.” —Jessica Biel
    2. “I used to destroy them. I’d draw all over their faces!” —Natalie Portman
    3. “I used to take their heads off, then dye their hair and do weird things” —Megan Fox
    4. “My dolls were doctors and on secret missions. I had Barbie Goes Rambo!” —Zoe Saldana

Misc/Etc: “She has the body my dresses are created for!” “She’s not oblivious to her own reality right now” “He calls her ‘Bear’!” “Is it really necessary for actors to be quite so abrasive” “put a fish in one of the dwarves’ trailers” “her phone’s fart app” “I believe in the joyous power of an unscheduled dance break” “Tacos are the perfect food” “Donald Judd is one of my favorite artists” “inherently magical and good” “63% SAID CUCKOO” “the biggest O ever!” “unstoppable appetite for intimacy” “that awful mother who thinks she’s really hip” “400 hours of Dora The Explorer” “Snooki sticks to smoothies” “platform pumps poolside” “we play mean!” “tasting nachos in tandem!” “jellyfish-shaped” “B4 It Was Cool” “Sometimes he looks embarrassed for her” “wire animals” “baby bikini” “very snuggly” “anemones inside bird-shaped vases” “no princess!” “never ever rat on your family” “a clear shotgun [punches her fist into her palm] right in his face” “(fake) yacht wedding”

Star

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lawrence: Looks like J. Law is the tabloids’ new go-to fictional homewrecker. “It took a three-day, across-the-globe separation from Brad Pitt for Angelina Jolie to ‘let off steam,’ says an insider, over his growing infatuation with The Hunger Games star Jennifer Lawrence. And the blow-up began in earnest after Angie learned Brad was texting the stunningly seductive 21-year-old actress.” Oh snap. “Brad hasn’t stopped talking about how gorgeous, poised and talented Jennifer is.” He wants to find a project to do with her, and Angie is worried that’s not all he wants to do with her. “She warned him to act his age and stop drooling over a girl young enough to be his daughter” and supposedly sniped, “Which Jennifer are you talking about?” in reference to other sore point Jennifer Aniston. “Angelina was already becoming insecure about her looks and growing older, and she didn’t want Brad getting any closer to Jennifer.”

Miley Cheats On Liam Hemsworth? “She was bumping and grinding on this good-looking blond guy all night” says a witness of her “down and dirty” escapades “with a hunky mystery man” at a club. “Scantily-clad in a belly-baring top, the 19-year-old looked every bit a lady on the prowl. Miley was definitely acting single, and it was shocking to watch.” Her dancing was described as “something you would see in a strip club.” The blond guy was down, “staring at her butt like it was a piece of meat. They were in their own little world. If Liam had seen her behavior, he would have been furious! There is no way that is acceptable behavior from a girl with a boyfriend.”

Wes Bentley Bounces Back: After hitting it big as the pot dealer in American Beauty, Bentley “wasn’t prepared for his new life as a star” and became “caught in the grips of drug addiction” for several years. “It happened too fast, he was too young, and there was money and free time.” A little “casual marijuana use escalated into cocaine and Ecstasy benders and a full-blown heroin addiction.” He kicked the habit and can now be seen as announcer Seneca in The Hunger Games.

Misc/Etc: “a baby pachyderm” “a saucy glance” “wet ‘n wild with a dolphin south of the border” “he plays poet Allen Ginsberg” “pink-and-yellow” “he was just one of her conquests” “sporting a serious sparkler” “in the back of a cab at 4 a.m. and you’re coming off E and you’ve got to pick up the kids” “a sex tape!” “Jaid was very promiscuous” “She’s become fixated on Jessica Alba” “X-rated stand-up comic” “spending her paycheck on drugs” “I’m a boring person” “friendships with ex-girlfriends” “Stephanie Marie Butts” “shut the baby trap down” “infestation of zits” “she needs my advice like she needs a hole in the head” “off-white sundress” “detention facility in Rhode Island” “sawed her way through a log” “boobage and profanity” “postcollege identity crisis” “evil-looking appendages”

In Touch

Johnny Depp and Ashley Olsen: “Why so shy, Johnny?” the mag asks of a pic of Depp “looking like he didn’t want to be seen” while sneaking out of Olsen’s apartment. “Depp publicly claims to still be happily coupled up with Vanessa Paradis” but “could a recent, mysterious rendezvous at Ashley Olsen’s loft in New York City end their relationship for good?” The 48-year-old star “was secretly leaving 23-years-younger Ashley’s loft after a sneaky slumber party,” spending a full day in the building. “It was just the two of them in there. It didn’t seem like it was just a visit between friends.” By the time he crept out, “he looked like he was out of it.” Recalling his ex, party queen Kate Moss, Ashley is “a trendy blond waif” of the sort Depp favors. “She throws wild, all-night parties in her apartment four times a week. She’s rude and inconsiderate.” And she doesn’t care if Depp is still with Paradis. “I don’t think you spend the night until noon the next day as a friend.”

Jen and Justin: “Jennifer Aniston may not be a mother — yet — but she loves to baby the men she gets involved with. Paying special attention to everything from her guy’s career to his clothing, Jen’s killed past romances by being too controlling. But luckily for her, she’s met a guy who loves it — Justin Theroux.” Well, uh, good for them, then? “Justin disappears into his relationships. He kind of loses himself in them. He is totally going along with everything.” Everything being her habit of calling all the shots. “During a recent trip to NYC, Jen played social director and kept Justin from seeing his East Coast-based pals.” Probably a good call if those pals are Terry Richardson. “Instead, the pair had dinner at Jen’s favorite restaurants, where she picked his entrée and ordered for him.”

Presented Without Context: “It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Tom Cruise wearing a Hands Free Hair Rejuvenator.”

The Bachelor‘s Courtney Robertson: “Dumped by Ben Flajnik after the show began airing when he saw her true, mean-girl colors, Courtney has managed to snag him back — and clearly she believes she’s won him over for good.” But a variety of dirty secrets threaten to ruin their TV-abetted fake romantic bliss. “Deep down, selfish Courtney is obsessed with money and her looks above all else.” Wait, but her looks are obviously the main reason Ben chose her. “So fixated on her appearance that, at just 28, she’s had numerous plastic surgeries — including a boob job, fillers, laser surgery and Botox. Her life’s goal is not to settle down and have kids with Ben, 29. It’s to be a Playboy model.” Why not both? “Upset over her small boobs, Courtney got implants when she was young. She’s done nude shoots in the hopes of getting discovered by Playboy. All she’s really looking for is to be supported financially. Ben needs to watch out.”

Misc/Etc: “straggly locks” “mad skillz” “skeleton feet!” “Dem male modelz iz poppinton!” “baby Loubies!” “wearing a smug smile” “gender-bending ways” “solo ring-shopping” “selfish motives” “swayed by a fat paycheck” “torpedo her flatlined music career” “a bunch of girls in pink” “they put lip gloss on Suri Cruise” “BITCH ON WHEELS” “bottled cheer” “borrowed this orange thong” “Selena couldn’t hold her liquor” “sending her 100 red roses every day” “Ashton hates living alone” “camped out for the mall tour” “a forest filled with more than 300 bears!” “a terrible kind of mirror” “snow globe collection” “where the girls are” “modeled by her cat.” “a cheerleader and spelling bee champion” “a super-hot special someone” “I wasn’t in the popular clique” “ass appreciation web page”

OK!

Jolie-Pitt Kids Are Out of Control: “The kids eat fast food every day, doughnuts for breakfast. Shiloh’s a sugar addict, screaming when she’s cut off.” Angelina has admitted that junk food is a “family weakness.” Visitors to their house gawk. “The kids are all goofed up on sugar.” GOOFED UP! “After Shiloh has five cookies in a row and Maddox downs his third orange Fanta, it’s crazy hour. That’s what we call it: Crazy Hour. Toys fly. Kids melt down into tantrums. There’s fighting, it’s just a zoo.” Hygiene is not a priority. “Angelina does not insist the kids brush every day or wash hands before meals. They bathe whenever they want, which is not often. Brad’s friends say that his kids smell like Johnny Depp.” It’s only a matter of time until one of them hooks up with Ashley Olsen. “More troubling” is that the pacifist parents “don’t mind that the kids engage in faux violence. Angelina lets the boys play with guns, rifles, though they are unloaded and some are just toys. Others are real and pricey antiques — they’re the ones the boys use to pretend to kill the staff.” This doesn’t faze Angie, who “actually thinks it’s funny when her kids pretend to shoot people. She laughs out loud. A lot of people think she and Brad need to put a stop to it, but that’s not likely.”

Lenny Kravitz on Filming The Hunger Games: “I would DJ on my iTunes and we’d listen to music all night and talk about art.”

Prince Harry on Finding Love: “I’m not so much searching for someone to fulfill the role, but obviously, you know, finding someone that would be willing to take it on.” The worst part of being a prince? “Listening to the boring people. You can imagine the kind of dinner parties I had to go to at such a young age. Pretty dull.”

Misc/Etc: “An exquisite, custom-made coffee table book with little diamonds encrusted on the cover” “super elegant” “signature sassy ‘tude” “ginger locks shine” “#IFlySolo” “Yes, they’re getting paid to do this” “dancing about the fabled resort town” “labor is really going to hurt” “blue braids” “snared a bag of Funyuns” “facial hair fun!” “Shia has not spoken in public about his mountain-man look” “Alex Rodriguez packed a high-protein lunch in a cooler” “Me! Me! Me! Generation” “I got stung four times in the face” “her televised fairy-tale” “STARS LOVE ART” “pursuits like going for pizza” “sucking on a Popsicle” “flat (not fluffy)” “pinks and salmons” “a family comedy called Pickle” “I’ve always wanted to play a cowboy, but so far I haven’t!” “There’s a bit of craziness inside of me”