Battleship, Ouija, Stretch Armstrong, The Lego Movie (even though it was great) — we’ve had just enough time to adjust to narrative-free childhood staples being reanimated into movies at an alarming rate. So Hollywood’s apparently gonna start announcing these things in threes now. Today: musical Disney World boat ride “It’s a Small World,” bird-shaped marshmallow Easter candy Peeps, and plastic fashion maven/body-image warper Barbie.
Since you’re already walking away and shaking your head, I’ll keep the details to the point.
Pedigree: Adam Rifkin (Small Soldiers cowriter, Detroit Rock City director) optioned the rights.
Plot: Deadline says it’ll be an animated “Lego Movie-esque family epic set the night before a Peeps diorama contest, when a wayward Peep gets misplaced and must adventure through the fantasy lands of different-themed dioramas before the contest’s judging begins.”
Peep diorama contests: Very, very real.
Bonus info: “Bethlehem, PA-based candy company Just Born moves $2 billion of the baby chicks and bunny-shaped treats a year domestically.” $2 billion worth of marshmallow candy. Marshmallow candy that goes with one specific holiday.
Pedigree: Script’s by Jenny Bicks, who executive produced and wrote for Sex and the City and The Big C. Also penned the 2003 Amanda Bynes joint What a Girl Wants.
Plot/deetz: Deadline says it’ll be a live-actioner about Barbie using her many careers and costumes/“personal and professional skills” to “step into the lives of others and improve them, almost like a modern-day Mary Poppins.” Young performers will play Barbie, Ken, and Barbie’s TBD BFF, while bigger, interchangeable stars will hover around them. Marvel-style franchisedom is the goal.
Sony Pictures says: The “unexpected, clever, and truly funny concept … captures everything that has made Barbie a classic for generation after generation while also standing on its own, establishing Barbie as a truly original screen character.”
It’s a Small World
Why now? This year’s the 50th anniversary of the Disney boat ride’s debut at the 1964 New York World’s Fair.
Pedigree: Jon Turteltaub (3 Ninjas, Cool Runnings, National Treasure) will direct, The Lego Movie producer Dan Lin will produce, and Jared Stern (The Internship, Wreck-It Ralph) will write.
Plot: No indication. But franchise whisperer Deadline says, “this one will take awhile to come together but it is envisioned as a potential franchise for the studio.”
OK! Now, just to properly prepare ourselves: What else can we expect to see on IMDb in the next few years? Educated speculation:
Foods: M&Ms (inevitable ever since the TV commercials), Coca-Cola (should be terrible but will somehow be great because it’s Coke), Lunchables (every kid will love it even though it’s awful), Go-Gurt (The Blob–style retro horror flick), String Cheese (in which this chillingly Medusa-like mascot becomes a superhero).
Toys & Games: Checkers (Game of Thrones lite), Sorry! (indie comedy about passive-aggressive normcores in Seattle), Candy Crush (you’ll see it 45 times in theaters), Marbles (psychological thriller), Parcheesi (Bollywood).
Rides & Attractions: Terminator 2: Judgment Day Pinball (you’ll go twice even though you’ve got no idea what’s going on), The Teacups (most vomit-inducing cinematography since Cloverfield), Skee-Ball (better than Rollerball, worse than Baseketball), Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular! (something tells you that guy’s not really Harrison Ford, but something also tells you this is better than Kingdom of the Crystal Skull).