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Assorted Notes on American Idol’s Top 13 Results Show

After seven mind-numbing weeks of cattle-call auditions, interminable group numbers, and the sudden, shocking onset of a still-unidentified, organ-liquefying plague that left at least 15 unlucky pop-star hopefuls dead and scores more voiding the churning contents of their virus-wracked stomachs into the nearest potted plant, last night American Idol finally made its first round of audience-voted eliminations, thinning the Top 24 to a Top 13. (If you’ve already forgotten the new mechanics of this season, “America” decided the Top 10, and our esteemed panel of judges selected three additional “wild cards” via a Sing For Your Life performance borrowed from Cowellian upstart The X Factor.) And so, after a two-hour results show so bloated Fox had to cut away its bedroom wall and deliver its piano-sized Craftmatic directly into our DVRs with a construction crane, here are your Top 13:

  • Colton Dixon
  • Deandre Brackensick (Wild Card)
  • Elise Testone
  • Erika Van Pelt (Wild Card)
  • Heejun Han
  • Hollie Cavanagh
  • Jeremy Rosado (Wild Card)
  • Jermaine Jones
  • Jessica “J-Chez” Sanchez
  • Joshua Ledet
  • Phillip Phillips
  • Shannon Magrane
  • Skylar Laine

Sing For Your Lifers: Brackensick, Van Pelt, Rosado, Jen Hirsh, Brielle Von Hugel, Reed Grimm.

Assorted Notes on the Fallen: The only huge surprise was Eben Franckewitz, who, while awful, was the kind of irresistible, tennis-ball-headed tween-bait we can usually pencil in to the finals. Is this a nationwide referendum on the waning of Bieber Fever? Justin Bieber, better sell a Lambo and start planning for swagtirement … Chase Likens is in negotiations to star in CMT’s first-ever “country vampire” drama … It seemed a little cruel when Jimmy Iovine demanded, via pre-taped evaluation of his Boys’ Night performance, that Creighton Fraker be “cut up into little pieces and sling-shotted off the top of the Capitol Records building” … A barefoot, shirtless, bongo-toting Reed Grimm has already been seen roaming Venice Beach, offering to scat any sitcom theme song for $5. So far, no takers … The generous Adam Brock has shipped 10 boxes of “Taste the White Chocolate” T-shirts to the Sudanese chapter of the Red Cross, and is hard at work with his therapist trying to free the “large black woman” trapped inside his body … Aaron Marcellus still has a great name … Was it weird when Steven Tyler asked Brielle Von Hugel to “pretend you’re seducing a giant python, who, like, is not really into you, so you really want to impress it with a sexy song” before she Sang For Her Life? Just checking.