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Ashton Kutcher’s Sexual Walkabout … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

Mila Kunis and

Us

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis: “Friends with benefits?” Kelso and Jackie “took a mini-vacation together” to Carpinteria. They stopped at a roadside stand where “Mila bought sunflowers and blueberries,” then had sushi for lunch. “They hadn’t seen each other for years” but got back in touch during a That 70’s Show reunion segment for Fox’s 25th anniversary special. “He’s so not her type.” And as for Ashton’s famous wandering eye? “Mila wouldn’t stand for that kind of stuff. She’s a strong, smart girl.”

The Bachelor Is Racist: “Two African American men who had hoped to hand out roses on the dating show” sued the producers of ABC’s dating competition reality show for racial discrimination. Aspiring contestant Nathaniel Claybrooks said “I never even had a chance.” While auditions are normally half an hour, they kicked Claybrooks out after 15 minutes. Warner Horizon Television (the producer of The Bachelor) says the suit is “baseless,” despite the fact that “all 23 Bachelors and Bachelorettes have been Caucasian during the series’ 10 years on the air.” Show creator Mike Fleiss claims the show “makes an effort to be diverse” and that “it’s just for whatever reason, [minorities] don’t come forward.” Except clearly they do? “It will be difficult to find a smoking gun to show producers made casting decisions based on race, and producers will claim there were other factors involved.” Sigh. Claybrooks won’t go down without a fight. He says, “I was very upset. I wanted an equal opportunity, just like everyone else.”

Michelle Williams and Jason Segel: “It was like a scene out of a romantic movie” as the couple “snuggled into a banquette” while they “sipped red wine” and “giggled the whole time.” They went public at the premiere of Segel’s The Five-Year Engagement. “They looked very cute and comfortable together.” Segel told a reporter, “I would very much like to be happy. That’s all I’m going to say about it!” He was spotted “carrying an iPhone emblazoned with photos of Williams framed with an I HEART YOU border.” You know, like thirtysomethings do. “She’s fallen for him hard. She’s really giving this a shot.” Matilda, her daughter with Heath Ledger, approves. “Jason knows how to entertain children. You can’t be that obsessed with puppets and not learn a few things!” Friends are shocked. “Everyone is really surprised at what this has turned into. I never thought Jason would ever date someone with a kid, but he’s taking everything in stride. He’s ready to be a grown-up.”

Justin Timberlake: “I don’t like when I see guys do too much hair gel. But I don’t mean Pauly D because that’s basically performance art.”

Aziz Ansari: “Dude, you still have a chain wallet. You don’t have a chain wallet and a kid at the same time. You’re not ready.”

Jessica Simpson on Going Without Heels During Her Pregnancy: “My feet are homesick.”

Soup Nazi Update: “Jason Alexander has teamed up with the Original SoupMan’s Al Yeganeh, the inspiration for Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi character, to build the brand’s profile in supermarkets and restaurants.” JAMBALAYA!

James Van Der Beek on his Dawson’s Creek Co-stars: “I run into a number of them from time to time. It’s like somebody you went to high school with: As the years go on, the spans of time between when you see one another get longer and longer. But you always have that shared experience.”

Misc/Etc: “Sad smize!” “down one peach” “yanked the wig off” “addicted to puppies” “we had wine getting ready!” “Drop trou throwback!” “coast-challenged couple” “all the sweets in the world” “I need to lie down for an hour” “a passion for indie pop isn’t all they share” “shore looks fun!” “it’s puppy love!” “Lights, camera, lust!” “enjoying afternoon shots” “boxing drills” “sometimes you need a burger” “Lookers Gentlemen’s Club in Elizabeth, New Jersey” “made her feel young” “Music is the soundtrack of your life” “titular bitch” “crazy and narcissistic” “I ruin takes” “my partner shattered his racquet!” “LOL over this site that illustrates everyday experiences with silly GIFs” “bicker their way into a relationship black hole” “doing penance in the body of a crusty, button-pushing broad” “contra-bland” “her goal is to be a trophy wife”

Star

Brad and Angie and George and Stacy: No, they’re not starring in a remake of Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice (we wish!) — they might have a double wedding! After Angelina accepted Brad’s proposal, he was “gushing with excitement and it ended up being a bit contagious for George. He had already told Brad that he thought Stacy was The One — so now he’s decided to bite the bullet and propose to Stacy Keibler.” Since Clooney’s marriage to Mona Sterling (Talia Balsam) ended in 1993, “George has romanced a seemingly endless string of beauties,” but Stacy has that special something. “He loves that she’s like one of the guys and puts no pressure on him.” Icy Angelina “hasn’t quite warmed up to Stacy yet,” but luckily “George has an idea on how to get everyone to bond: a trip on his yacht.” Could be a dope psychological thriller! “George knows a yacht trip would chill everyone out and force Angie and Stacy to bond. And he believes that once Angie gives Stacy a chance, she’ll love her as much as he does.” And then Angelina and Stacy will probably fall in passionate love and run off together.

Kim K for Mayor: “I’ve decided I’m going to run for the mayor of Glendale because it’s, like, Armenian town. It’s going to be in, like, five years.” However, “it’s impossible to run for mayor of Glendale. The fur-flaunting fashionista would have to first win a seat on city council and then be chosen by her colleagues for the city’s top post. But lucky for Kim, she already has some influential supporters.” Glendale city councilman Rafi Manoukian said, “I think she would make an excellent mayor,” and former Glendale mayor Ara Najarian agrees that “it’s a great idea” and has offered Kim “the position of honorary chief of staff of my office.” FUTURE PRESIDENT KARDASHIAN!

Katy Perry’s New Boyfriend: “Katy Perry is a smitten kitten!” She is now dating Robert Ackroyd, guitarist for Florence and the Machine. “Katy and her handsome British bloke spent the last two weekends kissing and canoodling at Coachella, where Robert performed with his band.” They were spotted “hooking up in a hot tub near the VIP RVs.” Sounds like a Katy Perry song.

Demi Moore: “Demi says she’s eager to get back out there with dating and her career, but she’s not ready for the stresses that come with that. She’s in denial about her health and she simply did not stay in rehab long enough. Demi is still very fragile, emotionally and physically. Friends worry she’s headed for a relapse soon.” While she claims to be over her issues, she “isn’t maintaining a healthy diet yet,” even if she hasn’t backslid into her former Adderall and energy-drink regimen. “She feels pressure to be back in the spotlight, because Ashton acts like he’s on top of the world. His career is up, he’s dating and he’s constantly making public appearances. Demi thinks she has something to prove.” She even got “fillers and Botox” while drying out at rehab. She may be hoping to win Kutcher back, but “Ashton has only seen her once since she got out of rehab. He’s done with the marriage.”

Will Cameron Diaz Go All The Graduate at the Biel-Timberlake Wedding? “Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are finally making it official. But since getting engaged, the couple have been butting heads over the details of their big day. And there’s one demand jealous Jessica just won’t drop: No invite for Cameron Diaz! Jess considers Cam her love rival. It burns her up that Justin has stayed friends with Cam after breaking up. When they were going over the invite list, Jess crossed Cam off and told Justin, ‘That woman’s not coming to my wedding!'” This sounds … fake. “Jess warned Justin to not even think about inviting another ex, Britney Spears.” Yeah, fake. “Justin bitches about Jess behind her back all the time. If the wedding planning is any gauge, their future together hardly looks bright.” Crash the wedding, Cam!

Misc/Etc: “Kate Capshaw busted a move with Rihanna” “struck stern poses” “It’s the gun show!” “a bloodied Adam Levine” “moving furniture in heels” “a bit too tribal” “everybody wants to dine alfresco!” “Now that she’s pursuing acting, she wants a total makeover” “DUMPED BY BESTIES” “Richard Belzer’s pooch, Bebe” “working hard to incorporate him into the lifestyle there” “vacationing in Israel with both men” “she plans to put her personal happiness before her career” “a secret Buddhist commitment ceremony in LA” “many feel he’s too controlling” “she thinks she’s a huge star and she definitely let anyone forget it!” “what better place for a celebratory family vacation than where Charles Darwin developed the Theory of Evolution itself” “pursues his career as a DJ” “supergirly” “his hair is horrible and he dresses like a little boy”

In Touch

Ashton Kutcher: “Ashton is single and feels he can date as many women as he wants. On one wild weekend, the bawdy bachelor hooked up with not one, not two, not even three — but four hot girls.” He “ditched Lorene Scafaria when she complained about his wild partying” and “arrived at a Passover bash at the Kabbalah Centre in New York with a dark-haired beauty on his arm.” The following night, “the cunning Casanova was spotted seducing two young blondes” at a Soho hotel. “While the other women were just one-night stands for the newly minted player, the pal swears that Mila is different.” Said pal says “Ashton’s always had a crush on her, but Mila had a serious boyfriend.” Now that she broke up with Macaulay Culkin, “Ashton told Mila that he was going through a tough time and needed a friend.” When he tried to get grabby, “Mila shut him down.” She “thinks Ashton is cute, but she is working a lot and men are not her priority.”

Jen and Justin: “At this point, Jennifer Aniston has been divorced from Brad Pitt longer than she was with him.” And yet she was still “upset when her ex-husband announced his recent betrothal to Angelina Jolie.” While she “wishes Brad nothing but the best,” privately “she’s still crushed that he’s engaged and she isn’t.” She’d hoped that after a year of dating Justin Theroux, he’d propose, but “Justin, 40, spent 14 years with his previous girlfriend without even thinking about making it legal.” Aniston “has been yearning for a proposal for months — only to be let down time and time again,” but “still believes that if she works hard enough at the relationship, Justin will want to settle down and start a family with her.”

Kris Humphries: “I don’t do brunettes anymore.”

Lindsay and Leo: “Lindsay Lohan has been accused of not being in touch with reality, and this just may prove it. The troubled starlet has been pursuing Leonardo DiCaprio, 37, nonstop over the last few weeks for both business and pleasure.” Lohan “has been texting Leo constantly. They used to hook up a long time ago and she wants to get back together with him. She also hopes that he will get her some auditions as well.” YEAH, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. “If Leo is reading the texts, he is ignoring them. Lindsay is being a bit clueless.”

Drew Barrymore’s Fiancé’s Family Thought He Was Gay: “His sister Jill thought for some time that he was gay” because “he was really into taking care of his clothes, and no matter who Jill set him up with, he wasn’t interested.”

DWTS‘ William Levy: “After reportedly cheating on his long-suffering girlfriend at least 40 times during their eight-year relationship, it looks like William has not-so-shockingly returned to his philandering ways.” A friend says, “He just can’t help himself around beautiful women. He has a problem with it.”

Misc/Etc:Anchorman saved my life! I was depressed and my life was saved by its humor!” “we plead the fifth on Tori” “a sculptural work of art” “Mark Wahlberg still packs a funky bunch!” “he’s a foxy four-eyes!” “prefers carousing over decorum” “ex-teen dream” “like a dog in heat!” “breastfeeding will kill with fangs!” “loves the excitement of hooking up with a celebrity” “I’m truly sorry for offending you and your cooking” “she’s so nervous about the wedding she can’t eat” “She doesn’t seem to know the meaning of the word ‘compromise'” “Don’t hate her because she’s beautiful or because she has a slamming body” “ice cream diet” “there are boys that appreciate a big ass” “goes home, takes a bath, and chows down on a Snickers dessert bar” “What does any woman want after giving birth to something the size of a watermelon? A drink of course!” “a ballroom that was turned into a giant arcade”

OK!

Kim Wants Kanye’s Baby: “Kim thinks Kanye would make a perfect baby daddy. Kim has been friends with Kanye for almost a decade, so she knows him so well. Now both are ready for a serious romance. Kim will be 32 this year and always envisioned she’d be a mom by now. And Kanye’s 34. He’s said one of his goals is to be a dad, and he’s heavily involved with a foster-care program. He loves kids. She has no doubt he’ll make a great father.” And we have no doubt their child will be the greatest tabloid celebrity of all time.

Courtney Robertson and Ben Flajnik: Courtney says the couple have “No wedding plans yet. Just kind of engaged dating — that’s what we’ve been saying. Just kind of going slow. We’ve got a lot of trips planned and are just kind of going forward with things.” Ben says, “There’s a lot of getting to know each other to do.” Lolololol y’all are never getting married.

Kathie Lee Gifford Out of Context: “Ever since Natalie Cole first did it with her father, I felt it was unforgettable.”

Kanye and Theraflu: Kanye changed the title of “Theraflu” to “Way Too Cold.” Theraflu’s parent company, Novartis Consumer Health, responded by saying, “Novartis Customer Health did not ask that the name be changed — that request would be way too cold.”

Misc/Etc: “smokin’ hot in a pink mullet dress” “Cutest Class Couple” “Baby Hattie’s already acting the diva” “a vision of class” “naturally the wait staff brought out a cake” “posing in front of polar bears” “(Hint: not underwear modeling!)” “out of rehab and looking good!” “make a two-headed smiley face” “takes her ring for a walk” “ab-inator” “a healthy looking Lindsay Lohan” “I love that you’re ticklish, Jay” “It brings the music back to life!” “actually a skillfully edited video” “we love to laze around and sleep” “for a little dog she does demand a lot of attention” “being a pet parent” “the last single member of Lady Antebellum” “three successful and handsome men who are committed to finding the right woman the chance of finding their soul mate” “the people of Cleveland did not take kindly to Axl Rose”