With Total Recall‘s disappointing debut at the box office — even in its third weekend, The Dark Knight Rises was not to be denied — it’s time to start pointing fingers to determine the cause of the misfire. Was Colin Farrell a poor choice to reprise a role made famous by a legendary screen presence like Arnold Schwarzenegger? Was it a crucial creative mistake not to set the movie on Mars? Was a 22-year wait still not enough time to stage a successful reboot? We, of course, have our own theory: not enough three-boobed hooker. Not nearly enough. And so on Monday, we sat down for a chat with the three boobs themselves (Left, Center, and Mandi) to get their reaction to the movie’s lukewarm reception, the squandered opportunity to let them save it, and the recipient of the attention that should be directed their way. Our brief conversation follows.
Let me just start out by saying you were great. Like, scene-stealing great.
Left: That’s so nice of you to say.
Center: Like, really really nice.
Mandi: You sound surprised? Thanks, I guess.
That being said, for all the pre-release buzz, I was surprised that you weren’t in the movie much. If I had to guess, you had only about a second or two of screen time.
Left: Yeah, well, we don’t really have any control over that. As a performer you just show up and do your job to the best of your ability, and then you have to trust the director and editor to take care of you. That’s the business.
Center: Blame the MPAA. Or blame Sony. They weren’t going to let this go out with the R.
Mandi: A PG-13 rating was some bullshit. Cowards.
Left: I don’t think it’s productive to start with the name-calling. You can’t ignore the realities of how Hollywood works.
Mandi: I don’t care who reads this. If you’re going to make this movie, make this movie. Don’t have it be Colin Farrell shooting robots for two hours. Go hard R or don’t waste our time, you know? I don’t care how much more money they think a PG-13 will make. Have some balls and do it the right way. We’re artists, not accountants.
Center: Actually, I’m a CPA. Always gotta have a backup plan.
How do you respond to those who would say the three-breasted thing doesn’t really make sense in the context of the movie, other than as “fan service”?
Left: There was a whole plot point about global environmental poisoning or something. I think a mutation is totally plausible.
Center: It’s sci-fi. Did the hand-phones bother you, too?
Mandi: We were the best thing in the movie. Let’s not overthink it, Johnny Newsroom.
Are you disappointed the movie didn’t do better?
Left: $28 million wasn’t so bad. It’s not like this was a $200 million movie.
Center: You’d like to see it take first place. [Shrugs.] But when you’re going up against Batman, what are you going to do?
Mandi: I’m getting my own agent. We can’t waste our window of opportunity on projects that won’t support us. Our reps need to get us into the Piranha Triple-D thing I’m sure they’ll be doing next summer. Those guys won’t be afraid to showcase us, let us show what we’re capable of.
Left: We’ll discuss that later. That’s a group decision.
Center: We all have a vote. And the great thing is that there’s never a tie.
How does it make you feel when the actress you worked so closely with went on the record saying you’re fake?
Center: I don’t think she ever used the word “fake,” did she?
Left: I mean, define “fake.”
Mandi: Let’s just say this: When there’s only so much spotlight to go around, some people are going to try to crowd you out. You get four lines with Colin and suddenly you’re Angelina Three-Boobed Hooker Jolie. Tell me: What color are her eyes? Exactly.
Center: It’s kind of sad; you hoped you’d built a good relationship on set, but you sort of expect that. It happened with the first movie, too.
Mandi: [Coughing into left-side cleavage.] Bitch.
Left: Like I said: It’s a tough business.
OK, in other news What do you think about the Mars lander?
Left: Our movie wasn’t set on Mars? At all.
Center: England and Australia, actually?
Mandi: Ask another fucking question about Mars. I dare you.