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2 Chainz Survives Swag-Assassination Attempt by Bling-Befuddled Authorities

“They tried to assassinate my character. They tried to assassinate my swag.”

Yesterday afternoon at New York’s LaGuardia airport, the rapper 2 Chainz was arrested on the charge of “misdemeanor possession of a weapon in the fourth degree.” But his true crime? Being too swagged out.

According to the police, a set of brass knuckles 2 Chainz was carrying set off the metal detector. But as Big Sean, who quickly established himself as the Deep Throat of this whole situation, tweeted: ‘2 chainz ain’t have no brass knuckles, it was a 4 finger ring that spelled hood. We had a shoot yesturday n he was rockin em.’” This was quickly confirmed by 2 Chainz himself, who told MTV the whole thing was a “a negative dilemma … where someone misconstrued a piece of jewelry for a weapon and stuff.” [Note: I am not sure 2 Chainz’ usage of ‘dilemma’ is correct, but I am sure that it is awesome.] “I do exclusive pieces. My pieces are actual conversation pieces, like, literally. When you see my gold, when you see my stuff, it’s something to conversate about. People weren’t doing four-finger rings and all that. I just like to set myself apart, so I definitely wasn’t trying to beat nobody up on the airplane or nothing.”

Chainz was taken into custody for eight or nine hours and eventually freed after coughing up to a lesser, undisclosed charge, and he had to give up the conversation piece: “[Y]eah, they took it from me, they took the Louis [Vuitton] case that I actually keep the jewelry in, they took that. I couldn’t believe it. Me just trying to explain it was getting too frustrating, me just trying to explain my occupation and then when they finally got to the jail and everybody knew who I was, then they started calling their kids and putting me on the phone with their kids. It was like a weird experience.” By the way, 2 Chainz was speaking with MTV from New Jersey’s Teterboro Airport, mostly a base for private jets, so the whole dilemma has apparently scared him away from commercial flight. Understandable. As to why the police would be so shortsighted as to mistake a ring for brass knuckles, 2 Chainz offered a subtly more nefarious motivation: “They tried to assassinate my character. They tried to assassinate my swag.”

Three takeaways here:

  1. How much longer would Chainz have been in custody if he was still performing under the name Tity Boi? Police: “OK, gotta run through this one more time. You’re a rapper, and that’s why you carry custom jewelry? And your rap name is … Tity Boi? Like, everyone knows that’s your name? That’s what they call you? You go out in public and people say, ‘Hey Tity Boi, I love your stuff’”?
  2. 2 Chainz has proven himself to be a pretty resilient guy this week. First he survives that Kreayshawn video, now this.
  3. I am about a week of green tea and sleep deprivation away from quitting my job and committing my life full-time to writing 100 episodes of an unauthorized Law & Order spinoff called Law & Order: SAU. “In the criminal justice system, swag-assassination attempts are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who attempt to carry out these covert operations are members of an elite, secretive squad known as the Swag Assassination Unit. These are their stories.”