Bill Simmons: Hey everyone, sorry I’m late …
Mike (Colorado Springs): Did you see that 720 dunk!?!?!! Where does that rate on the scale of best sport moment that is not really relavent to anything important?
Bill Simmons: I did see it and was blown away. I never thought a 720 was possible — now I’m hoping Ricky Davis tries one during a game and ends up taking out two rows of fans.
Micah (Cambridge MA): How should Cleveland fans (not that I am one) react to LeBron’s new contract?
Bill Simmons: I thought it was a very smart move by him — the Nets/Knicks/Lakers wouldn’t have had the cap space for him in the next couple of years, anyway, and he really would have destroyed basketball in Cleveland if he left in a year or two years. Now he gets to stick around for a few years and keep his options open — he can always force a trade heading into the last year. If you’re a Cleveland fan, I think you should be relieved, obviously … but keep your guard up.
Bill Simmons: What was funny to me was how Melo and Wade immediately changed their contract stance to mirror LeBron’s stance — nice job by their agents screwing up the first time around.
Anthony McCready (Alliance, OH): Just wondering if I should warn my boss that my output will be minimal for the next two hours.
Bill Simmons: Yes. Warn him now.
Keith (Halifax,NS,Canada): What was your take on Zidane’s head butt? I can’t figure why he head-butted the guy’s chest? If you’re going to get red-carded, get your money’s worth is my motto …
Bill Simmons: I thought it was fascinating to watch him wipe out two stereostypes at once: That soccer players are wusses, and that French people are wusses. I’m also delighted that the Euro papers hired lip readers to see what the Italian said to him — you know how I’ve been pushing for lip readers to replace sideline reporters for the past few years. But I didn’t think the Zidane thing was as big of a deal as everyone made it out to be — 8 minutes left in extra time, and it’s not like they didn’t have 10 guys left. Plus, their keeper, Paul Shaffer, didn’t come close to stopping any of Italy’s penalty kicks. They would have lost either way. I’m just excited that Tyson’s ear bite on Holyfield finally has a sports rival.
Jeff (Gainesville): Who are you taking first for fantasy football? LTD, Alexander, or Johnson?
Bill Simmons: Larry Johnson. No question. We are going to find Priest Holmes’ body behind a dumpster in Arrowhead Stadium soon.
Hector Los Angeles CA: Hey, Sports Guy, what’s your whole take on the Clippers signing Tim Thomas? On the scale of worst contract year players to sign, how does he rate?
Bill Simmons: I would agree except that it’s a fair contract — 4 years, $24 million. To put that in perspective, that’s Kyle Korver money. And I think he’s a slightly better fit than Radman because he can guard 4’s, and he’s a tough dude — they needed someone who would stick up for Brand the next time someone clobbers him. I didn’t think the Clips were tough enough last season.
Bill Simmons: That reminds me, I’d like to apologize to Mike Dunleavy Jr., Baron Davis, Chris Mullin and every Warriors fan for inadvertently leaving them off the “25 Worst Contracts” list in Friday’s column. I feel terrible. One of my all-time bad screw-ups. Unforgivable.
Joel (Youngstown, OH): All Ohioans have heard 10 million times the reasons that LeBron would want to leave town; most of which centers on an assumption that Cleveland is the 5th level of hell. (We all appreciate the thinly veiled cheap shot). Nonetheless, “journalists” like yourself actually realize that there are quite a few compelling reasons for LeBron to stay, right? Not the least of which is that his all-important image gets trashed if he leaves town to cash in on a Nike contract.
Bill Simmons: The one thing I learned last weekend (and absolutely should have researched more thoroughly before I wrote the LeBron section in Friday’s column) was how much money he’s pumped into the community (business and charity). It would have been a total about-face for him to leave — not saying he wouldn’t have done it, just that it would have been weird considering his committment over the past four years. But him leaving/staying has nothing to do with Cleveland as a city — he wants to be multi-media (much easier to do in NYC or LA) and he gets huge bumps in his endorsements to play in a major market. Whether he was in Cleveland, Utah, Boston, Orlando … it just doesn’t matter. he needs to be in a big city some day.
Joe, Madison: Any 1-2 changes to your trade value column? While LeBron did sign, it wasn’t for max, and it did prompt Wade to rethink his max.
Bill Simmons: Absolutely. I built that into the column (in parentheses near the end) — if LeBron re-signed, he’s No. 1 and Wade drops to 2.
Andrew (WI): Why is the media so upset that Manny Ramirez didn’t go to the All-Star Game? Nobody else seems to care other than Bud.
Bill Simmons: Because it’s Boston and the media loves complaining about crap that fans don’t care about. There isn’t a bigger waste of time/space/sound than the All-Star Game — it’s awful to watch on TV, it’s terrible in person, and nobody remembers three weeks later who made it or didn’t make it. Seriously, off the top of your head — what happened in the 2001 game? What about 1997? There’s no way you know.
Jason (NY): So if Manny is hurt does that make Tito the dumbest manager in the league for leaving him out there for 19 innings?
Bill Simmons: No, he’s the dumbest manager in the league for leaving Varitek in all 19 innings. I can’t get over that one. By his last at-bat, he was swinging the lumber like Leeann Tweeden in the celeb softball game.
Justin (Des Moines, IA): Is anyone upset about the “Dominator” getting written out of “Entourage”? … yeah … me neither. And how does that rank on all-time crappy character removals on a TV show. Is he the Oliver (Brady Bunch) of the show?
Bill Simmons: I was just excited that “Entourage” actually had an episode where there was a plot and a conflict.
Adam (Chicago): Is Jenny McCarthy bagging Jim “I make $20 million per” Carrey the frontrunner for Comeback of the Year?
Bill Simmons: No question — this was like Alonzo and GP hooking themselves up to Shaq and Wade.
Kevin, Chicago: Are you still giving book suggestions? I have read every one you have given so far and loved them all. Going on vacation next week and would like to pick something up to read. Any recent suggestions???
Bill Simmons: I’m writing a summer reading column this month. Stay tuned.
Suri Cruise (Hollywood, Ca): Do I really exist?
Bill Simmons: Hell yeah! We have you booked for the Surreal Life house in 2026 …
Tre (DC): Sports Guy, what’s your take on MTV’s latest RW/RR: Fresh Meat show? I dont think I’ve heard you chime in on that one …
Bill Simmons: I’m obviously delighted — Wes has emerged as the most loathsome character in the history of reality TV, and I think Coral’s breasts need to be spun off into their own show. Also, I loved when the fat guy was talking about his genitals and said, “I’m all taters.” That killed me. I give “Fresh Meat” a B-plus — although it should be an hour, not a half-hour.
Jarrett, (Waco, TX): Any latest on A.I. to the Celtics? What are your feelings on the situation?
Bill Simmons: I think it will happen, although the Celts made a mistake in bringing Al Jefferson to Vegas, where he could have killed someone in a CSI episode and not hurt his trade value as much. Hey Big Al, when do you plan on dominating summer league — 2012? 2014? Give us an idea.
Stuart (Omaha, NE): Were you pleased to see Hinrich added to the Team USA roster? I know that I was. After seeing how much Wade struggled with Hinrich on him in the Chi/Mia series as opposed to the later series it made me realize how incredible of a defender he is.
Bill Simmons: Couldn’t have been happier. With him and Chris Paul, we’re in good hands.
Gorm (Boston): What’s your favorite Seinfield episode and how come they never show the Puerto Rican day parade one. I have only seen that one once and it was hysterical.
Bill Simmons: I just watched The Contest two weeks ago, I still think that’s a masterpiece. I’ve actually been so bored with summer TV this year that I started TiVo-ing Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm and Cheers every night … this has to be the worst summer TV of all time. My TiVo is like a baseball closer that hasn’t been in a save situation in three weeks — it’s starting to get rusty. Things are so bad, I’m actually watching that Supernova show. Just awful.
Chris (Winthrop, MA): So Sports Guy, did you happen to get one of those C-Level ESPY Gift Bags or are they really only for the presenters … wait, you probably can’t even answer that question …
Bill Simmons: They’re just for presenters. But I AM going tonight. Any time you can get a chance to see a world-class comedian like Lance Armstrong host an awards show, you have to do it, I think.
Dan: Now that Randy Foye seems to be everybody’s favorite for ROY after his stellar summer league play how unhappy are you with the Celtics’ front office for royally screwing up that trade.
Bill Simmons: No way — I have TOTALLY talked myself into Telfair. Did a complete 180. All it took were a couple stories from readers who crossed paths with him in NYC and some “You won’t believe how charismatic he is” stories from my Celtics friends and I was hooked. I mean, he did have the worst situation possible in Portland, you have to admit — 3,000 miles from home, atrocious team, city that hated the team, everyone was out for themselves, etc, etc.
jamie (nyc): How can you not like Supernova??? The unintentional comedy factor is off the charts, beginning with these are the 12 best singers on the planet that they could find? Not to mention the great comments from the band. It’s good tv during a bad summer season …
Bill Simmons: I never said I didn’t like it — just a little ashamed to watch it. By the way, I think ESPN should replace Stephen A. with Dave Navarro for the next NBA Draft — he would even have had something good to say about the Sene pick.
Clinton (Indianapolis): Hey Bill, I thought you said you were heading to the World Series of Poker this year. When are you headed out there?
Bill Simmons: I’m going out there for the Main Event at the end of the month. I’m going to get killed. I feel like the Patriots right before SB 20.
Jim (NY): How long until Heidi from The Hills hits Cinemax? Three years is the Vegas over/under.
Bill Simmons: Three years? I give it 9 months. The only question is whether she’ll play the young sexy widow who may or may not have killed her husband, or the young sexy detective who just broke up with her partner and now is going undercover in the world of high-class hookers.
Jabaal (Huntington Beach CA): Who is your pick in tonight’s All-Star Game?
Bill Simmons: I think the AL is going to win, 3-2.
Gary (Boston MA): As a sophmore this year at Boston University, I was wondering if you had any advice on how to use this advanced standing to score freshman girls?
Bill Simmons: Sophomore year is THE BEST year in college — you have all the girls in your class, plus dibs on all the freshman girls that just arrived because all the freshman guys are overwhelmed. My advice would be not to date anyone seriously and keep your options open at all times. Don’t tie up your cap space.
Renaldo Balkman, NYC: What was Isiah thinking? I mean, I’m good, but I’m not THAT good. By the way, Mardy Collins? What the …?
Bill Simmons: There’s a great rumor going around about this: Guess who are the agents for Renaldo Balkman and Mardy Collins? That’s right … LeBron’s agents! So there’s a school of thought that Isiah took those guys as a show of good faith to LeBron’s agents if they decided not to extend his Cleveland deal. I know how dumb that sounds, but remember, Isiah Thomas is involved. And there’s no other scenario that makes sense for the Balkman pick.
Robert (Sterling, Va): Does the T-Wolves signing of Matt James delay Kevin Garnett’s inevitable “kill crazy rampage” Mr. Blonde moment?
Bill Simmons: I actually liked what Minny did this summer, although they should have kept Brandon Roy. But a James-Foye backcourt, with Ricky D at the 3, KG at 4 and porn connisseur Eddie Griffin at center sounds like a playoff team to me. By the way, how did Eddie not get, um, injured when he crashed the car? Was anyone else getting flashbacks to that scene from “World According to Garp?”
Gary (Boston): Clerks 2: The next Godfather Part III?
Bill Simmons: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Clerks 2 isn’t happening. You hear me? It’s not happening.
John (Boston MA): Hey Simmons — What do you think the Red Sox front office does around the trade deadline? Do they go out of their way to acquire a bat (say, Bobby Abreu) or 5th starter, or do they stand pat and rely on the young kids and the team they’ve already assembled?
Bill Simmons: They need one more starter. Let’s hope this doesn’t lead to another Freddy Sanchez for Jeff Suppan trade.
Brandon (Kansas City): With Pittsburgh still receiving praise for the All-Star Game, which MLB cities do you think would be the worst hosts for future ASGs?
Bill Simmons: Since Jacksonville doesn’t have an MLB team, I would go with Anaheim. Anaheim is like Worcester, only if Worcester was 20 degrees hotter and didn’t have any good dive bars or diners.
Ben (Denver): Where do you think Iverson ends up?
Bill Simmons: Boston.
Dave (Everett MA): Hey Bill — If you’re Danny Ainge what are you giving up for Allen Iverson?
Bill Simmons: Gerald Green, Al Jefferson, Theo Ratliff, and my 2007 No. 1 pick.
Eric (New York): Did you see Pearl Jam in LA on Sunday night?
Bill Simmons: I saw them on Monday night — one of the best concerts I’ve ever been to. Say what you want about LA, but the LA Forum is the best place you could ever see a concert — no luxury boxes, no Jumbotrons, no club seats, it’s like a gigantic college gym. Just awesome. The one lowlight was when Eddie brought Tim Robbins onstage to sing a song … people didn’t know what to do. And frankly, neither did I. He should have introduced him as Andy Dufresne. But that was pretty strange. Thumbs up all around though, they still have their fastball and it’s always fun to go to a concert where A.) the fans know the words to every song, and B.) the lead singer is chugging wine the entire time and slowly turning into Jim Morrison as the night goes on.
Justin (NJ): Give me your best celeb sighting of the day so far …
Bill Simmons: Had a good one last night: At the pre-ESPY’s party at the Roosevelt Hotel, Jason McElwain greeting Damon Jones with the handshake/hug combo. I swear to God.
Jacob (Indianapolis IN): Bill, there’s a wild internet rumor floating around right now that there is a 6-team trade brewing in the NBA including IND, SAC, BOS, GSW, PHIL, ATL … any truth to this?
Bill Simmons: Any time the words “wild internet rumor” and “NBA” are involved, I don’t pay attention. There’s just a zero percent track record of success.
Ken (Tarzana, CA): You’re subbing for Kornheiser on PTI. Who do you want sitting next to you? Stuart Scott or Skip Bayless?
Bill Simmons: How drunk am I allowed to be before I go on the air?
Tom, NY: I can’t believe you wrote that book in 2004 about the Sox. Imagine if someone had written a book every time the Yankees won a World Series. And then made a movie about it … and made documentaries, and plays and musicals. OK, well I guess the parade stopped before plays and musicals, but you Bostonians sure know how to rub it in.
Bill Simmons: Does this mean you won’t be buying the paperback in 2 months?
Brendan (Boston): Would you like that Celts trade for Iverson — Jefferson and Green? I know that Jefferson slipped on your top 40 free agents list but trading him could be a huge mistake. He’s raw but really could develop into a premier forward for the Celts.
Bill Simmons: That’s all fine and dandy, but you have to trade something to get something — AI averaged 33 a game last season. If they can get him by just giving up guys who have never done anything, I’m fine with that.
Frank, NY: I have a player who should be in your Top 40 trade value. David West. Good Production, Better Contract, Young Player and still has Upside. Thoughts?
Bill Simmons: You’re right, he should have made honorable mention.
Sean (Sacramento, CA): When are the sports movie articles coming back? With its top tier unintentional comedy, is there any chance “RAD” makes the top 73?
Bill Simmons: That’s a tough one for me — I loved doing those reviews, but the numbers just weren’t there, people are twice as likely to read a mailbag than a review of a movie that came out 25 years ago. I’m not sure what to do on that front. May end up just compressing everything into a week-long countdown.
Scott (STL): You said the All-Star game is hard to watch, and I agree, particularly when it turns into a David Wright lovefest. I mean all we missed was Joe and Tim double-teaming him with Tim calling him Danny Wright.
Bill Simmons: I’m just disappointed that Buck wasn’t announced the World Cup Final during Zidane’s head butt. I just picture him giving us a 5-minute lecture about sportsmanship, saying the word “vicious” 330 times and then sobbing on live TV.
Chris Berman (Bristol, Conn): You’re with me, Sports Guy.
Bill Simmons: (Trying to fight off 100,000 bolts of electric current …)
rone (San Jose, CA): Musberger did a credible Joe Buck impersonation, including the overuse of “vicious head butt.”
Bill Simmons: Yeah, but it wasn’t the same as having Joe Buck there. You have to admit. By the time Joe Buck was done, we would have been expecting Zidane’s execution on live TV.
Leamon (Scottsdale): Where do you stand on the Mariotti vs. Guillen battle?
Bill Simmons: I think we spend way too much time worrying about stupid crap like that and not nearly enough time worrying about stuff like, “NBC has a show right now that catches internet sex predators as they’re about to swoop in on an unsuspecting 13-year old.”
Craig (Minneapolis, MN): In your unbiased opinion, Rookie of the Year — Liriano or that closer in Boston?
Bill Simmons: Liriano is the lefty Pedro — I have never seen a young pitcher dominate like him. As much as I like Paps, I’d have to give it to Liriano right now.
Rob (NY): Are you just as disappointed with the absence of Sloan, E’s girlfriend, from this season of Entourage?
Bill Simmons: Yeah, but that’s been offset by the increased presence of Ari’s wife, who has replaced Larry David’s wife as the “Most Secretly Hot Chick on Cable TV.”
David S. (New York City): Who do you think will win the WNBA All-Star Game?
Bill Simmons: Not the ESPN viewers.
Derek (Boston, Ma): As it stands right now, who’s your pick for the team to win it all in MLB?
Bill Simmons: Well, we know it’s going to be an AL team since the NL has basically become Quadruple-A. The Red Sox don’t have enough. Neither do the Yankees. The Tigers should fade. The Angels are legitimately scary, but I’m not totally sold on their offense. I think it’s going to be the ChiSox again, that’s just an awesome team, I can’t get over that 3-4-5. Only Ozzie turning into Billy Martin circa 1978 is going to stop them.
Nooner (Brookline): Is it worse to care too much (ala Boston media) or not enough (LA media)?
Bill Simmons: Interesting question. Here’s what everyone has to remember back home — the Ordways and Shaughnessys of the world play up stuff like Manny skipping the AS Game because it gets everyone riled up. Their job is to get people talking. (I’m not defending them or putting them down, just explaining what motivates them.) So by talking/posting/arguing about writers/announcers/hosts killing Manny for skipping the AS Game, you’re basically playing right into their hands. Just ignore them. Nobody is putting a gun to your head and forcing you to listen to WEEI or read the Globe. I have avoided both for the past 4 years and was able to follow the Sox just as passionately as I ever did.
Bill Simmons: Anyway, I’d rather have the LA media — the newspapers are good, the radio hosts are terrible, but at least they don’t blow up fake stories and get everyone riled up for no real reason.
Brian (New Fairfield, CT): What 5-year age period is the most important for a developing sports fan?
Bill Simmons: I would say 14-to-18 — sports means a little too much, you have a ton of hormones running through you, there’s a good chance that there’s no girlfriend to be seen. The most damage can be done during that time. Trust me, Lenny Bias and Game 6 happened 4 months apart when I was 16 and I still haven’t gotten over either event.
Joe (Andover MA): I understand WEEI, but avoiding the Globe? Is that even physically possible for someone who wants to follow New England sports closely?
Bill Simmons: It’s very easy, actually. Just go online every day and look at the table of contents. Chris Snow is a fair reporter, so is Gordon Edes — I enjoy reading both of them. Anyone else, I avoid.
Ken (Tarzana, CA): But isn’t tuning into ESPN essentially watching the Boston Media?
Bill Simmons: Interesting … I would say that we have some shows that intentionally stir up stuff, but Wilbon and Kornheiser don’t do that, I feel like their hearts are in the right place. And the Baseball Tonight guys are really, really good, I always learn something from that show. I don’t think there’s anything in Boston remotely approaching those two shows, although Mike Felger’s radio show has potential.
Matt (Pittston, ME): If you could put yourself at a WSOP final table, who would you want the other players to be?
Bill Simmons: Drunk.
Greg (MA): Will the Miami Dolphins take over the AFC East?
Bill Simmons: They’re looming as the bandwagon sleeper pick for the title — I went from loving them in 2006 to being convinced that something terrible will happen to them, like another Culpepper injury or Ricky Williams framing Ronnie Brown for pot possession. I just started doing my research … this year’s Bears team hasn’t jumped out at me yet. Although the Saints have some potential. So do the Cards.
Mike (Philly): Truthfully, what is the over under for how long you’ll last at the WSOP?
Bill Simmons: I would say 45 minutes. I’m going to fold like Schiraldi in Game 6.
RonBurgandy: “The Tigers should fade.” Please. The Tigers’ team ERA could go up by half a run over the second half of the season and they’d STILL be first in the AL. Pitching wins in the playoffs. The Tigers have more of it than anyone else in the AL. The ChiSox staff’s 2006 regression has been the one of the most overlooked aspects of this season. They are up near a 4.8 ERA this year.
Bill Simmons: Yeah, but Kenny Rogers always nose-dives in the second half, and Verlander has never pitched this many innings before, plus Todd Jones is terrible and Rodney has been showing signs of imploding. You also haven’t had the inevitable Guillen/Ordonez injuries, and guys like Shelton and Thames overachieved in the first half.
Keith Seattle WA: Do you think Brandon Roy would have gone number 1 if he would have played in the Big East or ACC?
Bill Simmons: Supposedly he slipped because of his knee — everyone was scared to take him. Throw some cartilege into that right knee and he would have been right back in that thing.
Aaron Maryland: Let me get this straight. You’re willing to answer some lame question about how the Dolphins will do this year, but you won’t address the trailor for the new Rocky movie. What’s happened to you?
Bill Simmons: I’m not ready to discuss the Rocky 6 trailer yet. I’m just not. I might never be able to discuss it.
Andrew (Murfreesboro, TN): Your thoughts on Artest saying he’ll “KILL” Bonzi Wells if he leaves?
Bill Simmons: Excitement? Delight? Giddiness?
Jeff (Pittsburgh): I saw Paula from the “Real World” got arrested for biting her boyfriend. Are you as shocked as I am?
Bill Simmons: This was the all-time WATFO (the acronym for “What are the F***** odds?”), supplanting when the kid from “Who’s the Boss?” came out of the closet. This will never be topped.
Tyler (Anaheim, Calif.): Why do you think the Angels are “legitimately scary,” when I’m pretty sure your daughter could help improve their offense?
Bill Simmons: Yeah, but they have the great Howie Kendrick coming up! Remember when I alerted you to grab Papelbon on Opening Day? Well, I’m alerting you now — grab Howie ASAP when he comes up again. Just trust me.
John (SF): Wouldn’t you much rather see Craig Hansen and Manny DelCarmen in crunch time instead of Julian Tavarez and Rudy Seanez?
Bill Simmons: Absolutely… and I think it’s already happening. Delcarmen has been excellent for about 3 weeks now. Possible roto sleeper.
Mike (Muncie, IN): What were your feelings seeing Bronson Arroyo in the All-Star Game with the Reds?
Bill Simmons: Mildly amused. I am now convinced that Jason Johnson could win 16 games in the National League.
Dr. Michael Mancini (Malibu): Any chance the GQ NBA Groupies article makes this year’s “Best American Sportswriting” book?
Bill Simmons: Not unless one of them was dying or suffering from some debilitating ailment.
Tommy (Pottsille): This is one of the top five things in my life right here, Bill. Being in the same chat room with you falls in the top 5 with sex, buying my first car, the Sox winning the series, and beef jerky.
Bill Simmons: Thanks Tommy! I feel the same way.
Joe (Philly): I loved the World Cup, and am thinking about continuing to follow soccer through the English Premier League. How can I pick a team to root for and remain a somewhat-principled sports’ fan when I know nothing about England?
Bill Simmons: Intriguing question, I have been wondering the same thing. I was thinking about just picking the team that Michael Davies hates the most, just for comedy’s sake, but that’s too easy. If anyone wants to make the case for an English premier team for me, e-mail me. I might make the leap. Soccer’s growing on me, you don’t have to pay attention, it’s easy to follow, no sideline reporters, no commercials, no annoying announcers, the crowds are fantastic … there’s a lot to like.
Aaron (Washington DC): If someone made a YouTube montage of your greatest sports moments, what song would you use for the background?
Bill Simmons: I’ve always enjoyed “Don’t Give Up” by Peter Gabriel — I’m convinced you could show two people playing Stratego in slow motion and it would be riveting with that song going in the background. Miami Vice used that song during the scene when Sonny came out of his amnesia coma and realized he wasn’t really a ponytailed drug cartel assassin. Good times.
Dan (Newton, MA): How about the Bruins landing big man Zdeno Chara? You’ve got to be excited about that … seriously, watching a 6-9 guy on skates?
Bill Simmons: How could any Bruins fan be excited after a season in which their team traded a guy two months into the season who ended up WINNING THE MVP AWARD! How does this team have any fans left? How? CUT THE CORD! IT’S OVER!
Brian Washington DC: I agree with you on the soccer “growing on me” thing, but what holds it back is that it is terrible to bet on. No?
Bill Simmons: Yes. it’s the worst sport ever to wager on; it’s like trying to figure out how to use HTML. They need to solve this. I actually wanted to bet on France last weekend and couldn’t figure out how to do it.
John (Fort Lauderdale): Is it OK to physically assault someone who hits on 13 against a 6 and ends up taking the dealer’s bust card?
Bill Simmons: As far as I’m concerned, absolutely … I think that blackjack should be like driving, you should be required to get a license to be allowed to play.
Rory (NH): Your loathing of the Bruins will end soon. When they are hoisting a Cup, I will absolutely REFUSE to allow you back on the bandwagon. Hoser.
Bill Simmons: The Bruins are like Fredo — they’re dead to me as long as the owner is alive.
Jason (ND): How does Lefty’s decision to hit driver on the 72nd hole at the US Open rank among the “I’m Keith Hernandez” moments?
Bill Simmons: That was right up there. Everyone was claiming that he choked, I really feel like he was thinking to himself, “Screw it, I’m Phil Mickelson, I’ve won 3 majors, I made over $100 million and I have a smoking hot wife” and pulled the driver out.
John (Cleveland): I have to give a best man toast on Saturday. What subjects are absolutely out of the question?
Bill Simmons: Really, only one: You can’t mention anything about the bride being easy. Everything else is fair game in my opinion.
Mike, Warrenton, VA: So how long are you planning to go today? Two hours? Three? Four?
Bill Simmons: We’re wrapping up soon — I have a date with my daughter.
David (New York): Have you heard anything recently about Peter Gammons’ condition?
Bill Simmons: Heard he’s doing GREAT. Supposedly he was watching All-Star Weekend and itching to come back. Everyone expects a full recovery.
Tennis (Flushing Meadows, NY): Will anyone ever, ever care about me again?!
Bill Simmons: Hey, it’s tennis! I was just thinking about you on Sunday as I tried to watch the Federer-Nadal match. What happened to you? That sport is on life support; we may have to eliminate men’s tennis altogether. What a yawner. The technology has just gotten too good, with those rackets and the imprived conditioning, it’s like baseball allowing batters to use HGH and steroids AND corked aluminum bats. Ridiculous. You should not be able to hit a backhand that goes 150 mph and dips at the last second.
Brandon (San Francisco): Is it official yet? Did UFC officially take the place of boxing? Is boxing done forever (even if a heavyweight emerges don’t you think he’ll fight in the UFC’s instead of pro boxing)?
Bill Simmons: It’s almost official. We’re like two months and one more boxing debacle away.
Dave, Minneapolis: Yawn. Quit taking such cupcake questions and tell us WHY IN THE HELL KEVIN MCHALE STILL HAS A JOB!?!?!?!
Bill Simmons: This guy has posted this question about 500 times. My answer: I think he fell on the sword for Minny’s owner during the Joe Smith debacle and has a lifetime job there. Just a theory.
Eva (Philadelphia): Does anyone realize that Allen Iverson and Paul Pierce just wouldn’t work?
Bill Simmons: Dad, why are you using a pseudonym?
Sean (NYC): An entire chat and only one jab at Zeke. Are you getting soft in your old age?
Bill Simmons: He’s too easy at this point … he’s the most incompetent sports executive of this generation. What else can be said? Although I will say that I loved the interview with him and James Dolan where Dolan had the cheesy beard and the Chess King sweater and noticeably bristled when Isiah said he wasn’t happy about having his job threatened. That was fantastic. I think they should be the new Ebert and Roeper.
Ernie (Baton Rouge, LA): You have to give some love to one of the all-time greats Aaron Spelling. I mean he gave us 90210. What a loss for the entertainment industry
Bill Simmons: Glad you brought this up: I was watching a show about him, it’s incredible how many shows he came up with — Fantasy island, Charlie’s Angles, Dynasty, Mod Squad, Love Boat, 90210, Melrose, etc etc etc … I feel like I’m his illegitimate son or something. We had the exact same taste. Does this mean I can contest the will? By the way, do you think Tori Spelling would have killed him about 5 years ago if she knew his death meant that she could make the cover of Us Weekly? I say yes.
Tom (West Bloomfield, MI): Thanks for wasting two hours of my life, Sports Guy!
Bill Simmons: You’re welcome! I have to wrap this up and get ready for the most important sports event of the year — the ESPYS! Thanks for everyone who posted a question, we had 27,000 in two hours, so if I didn’t get to you, don’t take it personally. See you on Friday.
Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine. His book “Now I Can Die In Peace is available on Amazon.com and in bookstores everywhere.