The Bad Quarterback League’s Historic Day
Every movement has a defining moment. The American Revolution had the Boston Tea Party. The hippies had Woodstock. Occupy Wall Street has … well, regardless, the BQBL’s defining moment occurred on October 23, 2011, in Week 7 of the NFL schedule. For generations to come, on the morning of October 23, families clad in Carson Palmer, Curtis Painter, and A.J. Feeley jerseys will grab a football, head to the backyard, and throw errant passes to each other in recognition of this glorious day.
Keeping with BQBL Day tradition, the elder generations will describe the events of Week 7 in 2011 to the young’uns while aimlessly scrambling around the yard and throwing passes 30 feet over their heads. They will tell of the mythical Matt Hasselbeck and his 104 passing yards against the Texans. They will repeat the story of Palmer, who helped solidify a scoreless afternoon for his Raiders and — keeping with BQBL Day tradition — they will don a long blond wig and detail exactly how Painter, on national television, willed his team to lose by 55 points. Then, BQBL Day will culminate with the whole family around the dinner table, poised to dive into their traditional BQBL Day feast of nachos, buffalo wings, and HGH flakes, and they will first all take turns telling the tale of the Miami Miracle. The day that it was revealed to the world that Timothy Richard Tebow was not only the greatest quarterback to ever play the game of football, but the greatest man to ever walk the earth. I can’t wait until next year. I think I am going to adopt a son right now.
The top scorers on this historic, first ever BQBL Day:
Oakland Raiders (Kyle Boller, Carson Palmer, and even Terrelle Pryor!), 178 points: Here’s a life lesson: “It is not what you do, but how you do it.” What is important isn’t that the Raiders scored no points and threw for 177 yards and an insane six interceptions. What is important is the absolutely appalling manner in which they did so. The only way it can be properly conveyed is by detailing each interception and the manner in which it will be memorialized for centuries to come on BQBL Day:
Title: “Pryor To The Interception …”
Time: 12:47 left in 1st
Kyle Boller’s Inner Monologue: “They just put Terrelle Pryor in, like, the game. Pretty decent false start penalty from him there, too. I wonder if that means he will be back to further thwart our efforts. Oh shit, they just snapped me the ball. What play did I call again? Whatever. I’ll just throw it to … Chiefs safety Kendrick Lewis. Oh man, now I have to run after him and stuff.”
Resulting BQBL Day Tradition: After throwing a pick, fathers pathetically dive at the feet of their children in a halfhearted attempt to push them into the backyard flowerbed.
Title: “Deep Covered: The Original”
Time: 7:05 left in
Kyle Boller’s Inner Monologue: “Is anyone going to block that guy? No? Since I have no chance to step into this throw, I should go deep, right? Right. OK, who should I throw this interception to? Looks like Brandon Flowers has a step on my receiver, that should work.”
Resulting BQBL Day Tradition: Sons and daughters throwing the ball over the heads of their parents and into the neighbor’s yard.
Title: “Deep Covered 2: Deeper and More Covered”
Time: 1:02 left in 2nd
Kyle Boller’s Inner Monologue: “OK, it’s the end of the half and we are dangerously close to field goal range. I know how this works: If we get points out of this drive, I might have to play in the second half. I know how I can make sure that doesn’t happen: throw another interception. Hmmmm, Darrius Heyward-Bey looks like he’s covered deep to the left, that should work … ”
Resulting BQBL Day Tradition: Father throws interception, and is then replaced by an uncle at quarterback until next October 23.
Title: “TAINT It Black”
Time: 14:30 left in 4th
Carson Palmer’s Inner Monologue: “All right, I remember how to do this. Not doing too bad today, Carsey. If I just nickel-and-dime it, no one will notice that I have the arm strength of Donatella Versace. Oh no, Brandon Flowers just noticed and jumped in front of that hitch. Let me just jog after him so on film it looks like I made an effort.”
Resulting BQBL Day Tradition: All involved in the backyard game of catch use only their off arm to throw passes from here on out.
Title: “The Bounce”
Time: 11:32 left in 4th
Carson Palmer’s Inner Monologue: “We are really moving the ball here; no chance we don’t leave this drive without points. Way to go, Carsey. If I just put it right on my receiver, what could go wrong? Oh yeah, it could bounce off his chest into the hands of the Chiefs. Forgot about that.”
Resulting BQBL Day Tradition: At this point, the kids just want to go inside and hear the tale of the Miami Miracle, but the elders are forced to explain to them that there is still one more interception that must be thrown. I think this is the same conversation Carson Palmer and Hue Jackson had on the sideline after this pick.
Nickname: “Deep Covered 3: Deepest and Most Covered”
Time: 7:29 left in 4th
Carson Palmer’s Inner Monologue: “He looks open … I should have just stayed out of football.”
Resulting BQBL Day Tradition: This interception marks the end of the reenactment portion of BQBL Day. Now everyone heads inside for the tale of Tim Tebow and the Miami Miracle.
Indianapolis Colts (Curtis Painter and Dan Orlovsky), 97 points: You know that the Colts have no faith in their quarterbacks when they lose by 55 points and have only 22 passing attempts. In Week 7, Painter and his long, blond locks made their first effort at running the true Colts offense, complete with the no-huddle and lots of play calls from the line of scrimmage. It was a glorious disaster. When the Colts offense was on the field, all you saw were fumbled snaps, confused blockers, errant throws, and a stoic Peyton Manning. Painter had managed only 67 passing yards in more than 47 minutes of football when he overthrew Austin Collie for a Saints TAINT that made the score 61-7. Can we just call him Curtis TAINTer until the Colts get a win? Please? It was after Curtis TAINTer’s TAINT that Colts head coach Jim Caldwell said to his QB coach, “God, this Painter kid is an embarrassment, let’s put in his backup. Wait, who is his backup again? Who? Darren Aronofsky? The dude that directed The Wrestler and Black Swan? Sweet! Wait, who? Dan Orlovsky, you mean that kid we cut this summer? Whatever, just put him in, I guess. It would have been a lot cooler if he were Darren Aronofsky, though.”
Tennessee Titans (Matt Hasselbeck and Jake Locker), 92 points: The Titans and coach Mike Munchak had a bye last week, and thus had two full weeks to prepare for the Houston Texans. Two weeks to watch film and script their first few possessions to jump out ahead of the Texans. Let’s check on the Titans’ possession progression in the first half to see how the well-prepared, veteran QB Matt Hasselbeck took advantage of the bye week to start hot in Tennessee:
1st possession: Six and out. Hasselbeck 0-for-3.
Munchak Reaction: OK, that’s a fluke.
2nd Possession: Three and out. Hasselbeck 0-for-2.
Munchak Reaction: He’s just getting warmed up.
3rd Possession: Interception. Hasselbeck did complete a few passes, just one to the Texans.
Munchak Reaction: OK, I am out of excuses, this is bad.
4th Possession: Five and out. Hasselbeck 1-for-4.
Munchak Reaction: Who is his backup again?
5th Possession: Three and out. Hasselbeck with two completions … for a net -3-yard gain.
Munchak Reaction: I don’t care if Jake Locker is the backup, have him warm up.
End of Half
After a fourth-quarter TAINT Locker was in the game, and the rookie had a 100 percent completion percentage and an average of 12 yards per pass. Granted, he threw only one pass, but when you lose 41-7, you have to look on the bright side.
Tebow Watch Live!
There is little question at this point that Tim Tebow is the greatest quarterback in the history of football. Granted, he:
- Didn’t throw in the remote vicinity of any of his intended targets for the majority of the game
- Was sacked seven times, most of which were his fault
- Ran in the Heisman Trophy pose, only with the ball in the hand extended toward the defense
- Generally looked like he had no business playing quarterback in the NFL
I couldn’t care less what you football nerds think, welcome to the backlash to the backlash: I am all in on Tebow and can’t wait until he inevitably leads the Broncos to a come-from-behind win … in the Super Bowl. I am so excited that I am headed to Denver this weekend to bask in the Tebow glow. I will be there as he takes on the Detroit Lions and goes 2-for-24 with two fumbles, throws three interceptions, and finally lofts a Hail Mary to get the win.
Tebow is a leader, Tebow is a winner, Tebow is a winner/leader. Just ask the NBA’s greatest winner/leader, LeBron James. I can’t wait until February 5, 2012, when Tebow hoists the Lombardi Trophy over his head and he points out me and LeBron in the crowd and mouths to us, “We did it, guys, we did it.” I can’t imagine this NFL season playing out in any other way.
Seattle Seahawks (Charlie Whitehurst), 52 points: Charlie couldn’t put together a true BQBL performance this week. Don’t get me wrong, he was awful (12-for-30, 97 yards passing, and a pick), but he needs to learn to string together interceptions and then follow those up with lost fumbles. Good thing he has Tarvaris Jackson on the sideline as a mentor. On the bright side, if his NFL career doesn’t pan out, he can always be Alcide the werewolf’s stunt double on True Blood.
Jacksonville Jaguars (Blaine Gabbert), 52 points: When I saw that this game was being played Monday night, I almost wrote a whole generic Blaine Gabbert bit because I was positive the Ravens defense was going to Mark Sanchez poor Blaine into BQBL lore and ruin my campaign to make October 23 National BQBL Day. Well, didn’t happen. Both me writing it and Blaine Gabbert getting Sanchezed. Sure, dude looked dreadful, completing 9 of 20 for only 93 yards passing
and a pick, but at least he managed to get the win.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Josh Freeman), 46 points: OK, I hinted at it a few weeks ago, and now I am really saying it: Josh Freeman is a terrible quarterback. He had six picks last year, four on Sunday, and 10 total so far this year. Also, get a haircut, dude.
Kansas City Chiefs (Matt Cassel), 36 points: No one noticed that Matt Cassel didn’t play well this week because he shared the field with Carson Palmer and Kyle Boller. He was kind of like the six that goes to the bar with her two fat friends so she comes off as an eight.
Cleveland Browns (Colt McCoy), 31 points: Colt McCoy put together the worst quarterback performance in a win since … oh wait, I forgot about the greatest quarterback in NFL history, Tim Tebow. Never mind.
Baltimore Ravens (Joe Flacco), 29 points: Last night, Joe Flacco did his best to rope October 24 into the National BQBL Celebration. Flacco terribled his way through Monday night; it was like he watched Curtis TAINTer in the Sunday-night game and decided to dedicate his time in the national spotlight to proving that he could lose with more flair and ineptitude. When Flacco walked into the locker room at halftime last night, he had one more passing yard than you. But you made up for it by having more receiving yards than he did. No, for real:
Situation: 11:28 left in the second quarter, the Ravens’ ball on the Jacksonville 45
First-and-10: Flacco complete to Dennis Pitta for -5 yards
Second-and-15: Holding, Oher
Third-and-25: Holding, Oher
Third-and-35: Flacco complete to J. Flacco for -8 yards
Flacco was so bad he caught his own pass for -8 yards on some Bugs Bunny shit. The ball was batted back in his face, but regardless, you had more passing yards than he did. Good job, you. He then finished his prime-time masterpiece with a solid Romo. Good job, Joe.
Arizona Cardinals (Kevin Kolb), 25 points: There was a shot of Larry Fitzgerald on the sideline during the game that showed him on a phone with his agent saying, “How long is this contract for? Eight years? Is there like a ‘just kidding’ clause? This Kevin Kolb dude is waaaaay worse than I thought he was.” (OK, fine. That never happened.)
St. Louis Rams (A.J. Feeley), 23 points: When asked about his performance after the game, Feeley said, “We may not have the win, but I will always have Heather Mitts, my superhot soccer wife.” (What? All right, that never happened either, truth nerds.)
Side Note: You know it was a historic day when John Beck, Christian Ponder, and Matt Moore aren’t listed here.
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