Here at the Triangle, we consider ourselves connoisseurs of a good name. That said, we’ve scoured the list of NCAA football players, and we’re ready to bestow this year’s awards for the best names in college football at every position. It’s like a Gold Glove, except way more legitimate. This installment covers the defense.
Defensive Tackles: Mister Cobble, Kentucky; and Pearlie Graves, Texas Tech
Wasn’t Mister Cobble a classic children’s book about an old man who fixed shoes? If not, it should have been. And “Pearlie Graves” is the darkest name in college football, a weird gothic take on “pearly gates.” You don’t go to heaven, man, you just go in the ground.
Lavunce Askew, Arkansas — I heard he lines up crooked.
John Braun, Oregon State — Big strong American folk hero!
De’Aires Cotton, Texas — No, man, de air is oxygen. Always has been.
Sean Cwynar, Notre Dame — They let a welshman into South Bend?! Someone phone the bishop!
Ego Ferguson, LSU — Always in the shadow of his genius older brother, SuperEgo Ferguson, but highly preferable to his violent younger brother, Id.
Will Hill, Virginia — It would be impossible to come up with a lazier first name.
Jose Jose, UCF — Never mind.
Wade Keliikipi, Oregon — If you don’t look too closely, this is a perfect anagram for “Wikipedia.”
Star Lotulelei, Utah — So euphonious! So astral!
Buddy Ruff, Virginia — Porn star.
Randy Salmon, Louisville — Even hungry bears don’t want to mess with randy salmon. (But Buddy Ruff would.)
Baker Steinkuhler, Nebraska — Come on man, are you a baker or a stein cooler? Cuz I got some hot steins here, and a party full of thirsty diplomats!
Taurus Ward, Ole Miss — I hate these new Zodiac hospitals.
Defensive Ends: Gelo Orange, Wake Forest; and Barkevious Mingo, LSU
I like that these guys could also be rival circus ringmasters.
JaQwaylin Arps, Kansas — These are the sounds a wounded dog makes.
Cutter Baldock, Arizona State — “Cut her bald, doc,” is a line from a movie I never want to see.
Shubert Bastien, Middle Tennessee — If I was making a “football player or European classical pianist?” online quiz, he’d be near the top.
Thomas Batchelder, Navy — He’d be there too.
Marius Burgsmueller, Idaho — Him too.
Tank Carradine, Florida State — Badass.
Jadeveon Clowney, South Carolina — He almost made the first team, because I thought he’d be a great partner for Barkevious Mingo.
Euclid Cummings, Georgia Tech — Appropriate that he goes to a math school.
Denzel Drone, Michigan State — I think a lot of us were Denzel drones during the Pelican Brief era, am I right?
David Fatherly, Temple — Ironically, he’s very maternal.
Tim Fugger, Vanderbilt — Create your own joke here.
Gorby Loreus, Middle Tennessee — Can you prove he wasn’t named after Gorbachev? I choose to believe he was.
Dame Ndiaye, Arizona — Original name was “Eric,” but then he was given the Dame Grand Cross of the Order of the British Empire by mistake.
Dadi Nicholas, Virginia Tech — This is probably a name for “Santa Claus” somewhere in the world.
Godspower Offor, Wake Forest — Joke about this name, and ye shall be struck down!
Chris Rock, Michigan — “Ohio State people walk like this! Michigan people walk like this!”
Skylar Stormo, Washington State — Sci-fi porn star.
Ash Weekley, UCF — Man, wasn’t one Ash Wednesday enough? I hate being Catholic.
Linebackers: Yourhighness Morgan, Florida Atlantic; Dusty Rust, Louisiana Tech; and Zepheniah Grimes, Illinois
We have one eccentric billionaire, one gritty outlaw, and one dapper professional gambler from 1890. A good linebacking corps.
Boyblue Aoelua, New Mexico State — Unfortunately, he’s probably not little.
Donnie Baggs, Texas A&M — Gangster pseudonym. He’s the guy who carries stuff illegally. Always got bags around.
Harvellio Buie, New Mexico — Fantastic first name. If it’s not from some obscure Shakespearean play, then Shakespeare wasn’t doing his job.
Blaze Caponegro, Temple — Came so close to making the starting lineup, but we had a “Blake Blaze” on the offensive team. You don’t want to start trouble.
Burton De Koning, Nevada — German sniper.
Steele Divitto, Boston College — Somber Italian priest who doubles as an assassin.
Pompey Festejo, San Jose State — “He could erupt at any moment!”– horrible announcer
Chris Hummingbird, Tulsa — He never stops fluttering.
Sir Thomas Jackson, Arizona — Or just “Stonewall.” He once got set up on a blind date with Dame Ndiaye by mistake.
Prinz Kande, Kansas — Someday, he will rule as King Candy and bring joy to children everywhere.
Herman Lathers, Tennessee — Most unsettling name in college football. Who rinses, Herman? Who rinses?
Innocent Macha, Cincinnati — He needs a partner …
Wonderful Monds, Buffalo — Done.
Efrem Oliphant, Houston — Unfortunate name for a big dude, and the “Efrem” cracks me up.
Griff Robles, Utah — Good tough guy name. He’s no “Dusty Rust,” but he’ll do in a pinch.
Hygens Succes, Florida — Wasn’t this the name of the government project that made us all drink fluoride in school?
Defensive Backs: Furious Bradley, Southern Miss; Lamarcus Brutus, Florida State; HaHa Clinton-Dix, Alabama; Ivory Herd, Colorado State
An angry dude, a near-Shakespearean, a humorist, and the elephant hunter’s white whale. I don’t see these guys giving up much yardage.
Austin Abner, Illinois — Unfortunately, he’s probably not Li’l.
Thurston Armbrister, Miami — Once you’ve had your arm bristed by this guy, you’ll never pass again.
Lyle Beloney, Army — Extra comedy points for the seriousness of his school.
Gareef Glashen, Rutgers — Nice alliteration.
Mo Lee, Utah — Holy _____!
Alex Matlock, Kansas — “And the case of the incomplete pass.”
Lafayette Pitts, Pittsburgh — I’m a sucker for a proper place noun as a first name.
Valtorrey Showers, Central Michigan — But he never takes a bath.
Cannon Smith, Memphis — His father was a blacksmith, but he wanted to specialize.
Here’s the full rundown of defensive starters:
DT: Mister Cobble, Kentucky
DT: Pearlie Graves, Texas Tech
DE: Gelo Orange, Wake Forest
DE: Barkevious Mingo, LSU
LB: Yourhighness Morgan, Florida Atlantic
LB: Dusty Rust, Louisiana Tech
LB: Zepheniah Grimes, Illinois
DB: Furious Bradley, Southern Miss
DB: Lamarcus Brutus, Florida
DB: HaHa Clinton-Dix, Alabama
DB: Ivory Herd, Colorado State
Lot of potential in this crew, if only they can live up to their names. (Get it?!) To round out the squad, here’s the offense from last time:
QB: Munchie Legaux, Cincinnati
RB: Montana Bencomo, New Mexico State
FB: Sam von Paris, Navy
WR: Philander Moore, Ole Miss
WR: Necho Beard, Nevada
WR: Jazz King, Marshall
TE: Blake Blaze, Virginia
T: Mitch Smothers, Arkansas
G: Rio Mares, Tulane
C: T-Bob Hebert, LSU
G: Omoregie Uzzi, Georgia Tech
T: Dallas Butts, Navy
Get ’em, team.
Previously by Shane Ryan:
College Football Recap: The 8 Best Finishes of Week 11
The Return of the Most Depressed Fan Bases
Week 11 College Football Preview: BCS Countdown
Fantasy Fantasy Football: The Experts’ Week 9 Picks
Read more of The Triangle, Grantland’s sports blog.
Contact us at email@example.com