Text Messages to Kobe Bryant: What's in a Name?

Kobe Bryant is a human with a cell phone so I sent him some text messages.

Me: Oh hey.
Kobe: Mamba in.
Me: Mamba in?
Kobe: That’s how I say that I’ve entered a conversation.
Me: I mean, I get it. But still. Mamba in?
Kobe: Mamba’s confused.
Me: You know what. I’m gonna go. Let’s just restart this later.
Kobe: Mamba out.
Me: jesus christ


Me: Oh hey.
Kobe: Hey.
Me: There ya go :) you’re like a normal person now
Kobe: Mamba’s happy
Me: mother
Kobe: easy
Me: I saw that thing where you’re selling that old car your wife bought you. Why’s that?
Kobe: < oooooo8<
Me: ??
Kobe: Emoticon black mamba
Me: dude
Kobe: < ooooooo8< --
Me: is he sticking his tongue out now?
Kobe: bingo.
Me: dude. But so why are you selling your car? It’s pretty boss.
Kobe: have you ever read about the black mamba on Wikipedia or anything?
Me: nope
Kobe: did you know that all black mambas are, at least in part, female?
Me: 1. ?!?!?! 2. What does this have to do with the car?
Kobe: for real. It’s some survival thing. Like, every single black mamba has a vagina. It’s like that thing in Jurassic Park
Me: are you being serious?
Kobe: I’m surprised you didn’t look it up
Me: NO I DIDN’T LOOK IT UP I JUST SAW KILL BILL VOLUME TWO AND THEN ROLLED MY EYES WHEN YOU GAVE YOURSELF THE NICKNAME
Kobe: that movie is so dope
Me: FOCUS THEY ALL HAVE VAGINAS???
Kobe: every single one.
Me: wait is that why you did that one photo shoot where you were dressed in all white looking like a total weirdo?
Kobe: :(
Me: maybe it should be < oo()ooo8< -- so as to properly represent the genitalia??
[No response.]


Me: hey!
Kobe: yes?
Me: you’re a liar I just read wiki there’s nothing on there about vaginas
Kobe: are you sure?
Me: YES I READ THE WHOLE THING
Kobe: you read all of Wikipedia and there’s nothing on there about vaginas?
Me: I mean they have a vagina page but there’s nothing on the black mamba page about them all being female
Kobe: have you ever read shaq’s wiki page? Did you know that all shaqs have vaginas too?
Me: wtf is happening right now?


Me: I saw this thing a couple days ago where gary payton said you’re still the best in the nba
Kobe: I’ve always liked gary
Me: do you feel that way
Kobe: Nice to meet you. I’m Kobe Bryant.
Me: but, I mean, LeBron?
Kobe: who?
Me: come on
Kobe: so you think LeBron is better than me?
Me: I mean, I have eyes
Kobe: did you even watch any games last season
Me: I saw the one where your Achilles exploded because you’re a million years old
Verizon: The number you’re trying to reach has calling restrictions that have prevented the completion of your text.
Me: dude
Verizon: The number you’re trying to reach has calling restrictions that have prevented the completion of your text.
Me: :(
Verizon: The number you’re trying to reach has calling restrictions that have prevented the completion of your text.

Filed Under: Kobe Bryant, Lebron James, NBA

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Shea Serrano is a writer based in Houston. He has written for MTV, XXL, Vice, Complex, Myspace, and other outlets. He recently published his first book, Bun B’s Rap Coloring and Activity Book.

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