Text Messages to Russell Westbrook: Zippers and Pockets

Brian Killian/WireImage

Russell Westbrook is a human with a cell phone so I sent him some text messages.

Me: Russy, what’s up? Shea here.
Russell: Russy?
Me: People don’t call you Russy?
Russell: No.
Me: Oh. Can I?
Russell: No.
Me: Hustle Westbrook? Because you play so hard.
Russell: No.
Me: Muscle Westbrook? Because you have muscles.
Russell: No.
Me: Russell Bestbrook? Because you’re the best.
Russell: No.
Me: Tussle Westbrook? Because you’re a fighter.
Russell: No.
Me: Russell Blessedbrook? Because God loves you.
Russell: No.
Me: Russell Stressedbrook? Because your knee.
Russell: No.
Me: Russell Vestbrook? Because your style stuff.
Russell: No.
Me: Dude, I’m running out of words that rhyme with Russell.
Russell: Good.
Me: Is “spussle” a word?
Russell: No.
Me: Russell Cardiopulmonary Arrestbrook? Because you make my heart stop.
Russell: Stop.
Me: Are you ever even going to respond with more than one word?
Russell: No.
Me: This hasn’t been that great of a time for me.
Russell: Good.
Me: Jesus Christ. Bye, Russell.
Russell: Bye.


Me: OK, let’s try again.
Russell: Go.
Me: Hello, Russell.
Russell: Hello.
Me: So, question: How are you feeling?
Russell: I’m fine.
Me: TWO WORDS! OH FUUUUUU TWO WORDS.
Russell: Chill.
Me: sry. OK, but so that’s great. The leg feels good, strong? That’s exciting. When you hurt it last year, what was that like?
Russell: Bad.
Me: Right. But was it worse than those lensless glasses you were wearing at press conferences?
[No response.]
Me: sry. OK, but so what’s up with that? You’re super into fashion or whatever, huh? How’d that happen?
Russell: It just did.
Me: I’m pretty into fashion too.
Russell: Really?
Me: Yeah.
Russell: Who are you wearing?
Me: Huh?
Russell: Your clothes. Who made them?
Me: Oh. Um, I think it’s Faded Glory. They sell it at Walmart. My wife bought it for me.
Russell: Dude.
Me: Is it true that if you want to be good at fashion you just have to buy pants and shirts with lots of zippers on there? Because that’s how I do it.
Russell: That’s not it at all, no.
Me: I also like a lot of pockets. Sometimes I look at a shirt and I’m like, “Nope. This shirt just doesn’t have enough zippers or pockets on it.”
Me: You know what would be dope. You should design a shirt that has a pocket, and when you look inside the pocket there’s a zipper that leads to another pocket.
Me: OHHH FUUUUU THAT’S A GOLDEN IDEA
Me: THAT’S STYLE INSIDE OF STYLE, RUSSELL
Me: THAT’S LIKE SOME INCEPTION-STYLE SHIT RIGHT THERE
Me: WE COULD GET LEONARDO DICAPRIO TO BE A SPOKESMAN
Me: OH MAN WE’RE GONNA BE RICH
Me: What should we call our clothing line?
Me: Because I’m thinking Zippers and Pockets: New-New
Me: Or maybe like Russhea
Me: Boom! That’s a winner. And then when we do interviews we can talk with Russian accents or maybe we could have a whole line of shirts with Russian people on them.
Me: OH SNAP I GOT IT CHECK THIS OUT:
Me: Commercial. Scene opens with this guy walking into a swanky club. We can’t see his face. The camera is following behind his wide shoulders.
Me: And so as he’s walking through the club everyone’s high-fiving him and shouting at him and stuff.
Me: All these girls are just going nuts, pulling at his clothes and stuff.
Me: And so then all these people are just falling out on the floor.
Me: And some male supermodel comes walking up to our guy and is like, “You’re killing it, bro,” because that’s what you say when someone is doing something really great, right. And our clothes are gonna be great.
Me: but so and then the camera whips around to show our guy
Me: AND IT’S FRIGG’N IVAN DRAGO
Me: AND DRAGO LOOKS STRAIGHT INTO THE CAMERA AND IN HIS MOST STERN FACE IS LIKE, “If they die, they die.”
Me: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Me: KIIIIIIING
[No response.]
Me: Hello?
[No response.]
Me: Russell?
[No response.]
Me: Hey?
[No response.]
Me: OK, cool. TTYL, man. Good luck this season.

Filed Under: Leonardo Dicaprio, Oklahoma City Thunder, Russell Westbrook

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Shea Serrano is a staff writer for Grantland. He recently published his first book, Bun B’s Rap Coloring and Activity Book.

Archive @ SheaSerrano