Text Messages to LeBron James: It's a Metaphor

LeBron James is a human with a cell phone so I sent him some text messages.

Me: Bron-Bron!
LeBron: Nope
Me: sry
Me: hey, so I guess you saw that thing about Dwyane and Kevin Durant?
LeBron: what’s that now?
Me: Durant saying he’d replace Wade with Harden in a current NBA top 10.
LeBron: did you ever watch The Wire?
Me: what?
LeBron: The Wire. Did you ever watch it?
Me: sure, of course
LeBron: this is like when omar wanted honey nut cheerios
Me: how so
LeBron: wade is the cheerios
Me: ?
LeBron: harden is the cashier
Me: dude
LeBron: and the phoenix suns are west baltimore
Me: wtf are you even talking about
LeBron: it’s a metaphor, bro
Me: no it’s not, bro
LeBron: you’ll figure it out
Me: no I won’t. nobody will. I’m pretty sure you’re just dicking with me
LeBron: if there’s one thing I dick about, it’s metaphors
Me: :/
[No response.]


Unknown: Shea?
Me: yeah. Who’s this?
Unknown: Bryce. I’m with LeBron.
Me: oh hey. What’s up, man. I was actually just messaging with him.
Bryce: yeah, what happened? He’s super pissed right now
Me: ???
Bryce: did you say something?
Me: no. I asked him about Wade. Maybe that’s it.
Bryce: not likely. What else?
Me: dude, I mean, I don’t know. We talked about The Wire
Bryce:: oh fuck
Me: WHAT?
Bryce: did he make a metaphor
Me: ha yeah
Bryce: oh no
Me: WHAT???
Bryce: the metaphor didn’t make any sense did it?
Me: it did not
Bryce: did you mention that to him?
Me: yep
Bryce: that’s it then
Me: what?
Bryce: LeBron loves metaphors. He makes 'em all the time. Only thing is they never make any sense. I never know wtf he’s talking about
Me: yep, that’s exactly what happened
Bryce: if there’s one thing LeBron doesn’t dick about, it’s metaphors
Me: THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID


Unknown: Shea?
Me: yeah. Who’s this.
Unknown: Darren. I’m with LeBron.
Me: What happened to Bryce?
[Three minutes go by.]
Darren: #rip
Me: WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: THE METAPHOR!????!??!??!?
Darren: yes.
Me: OH MY GOD WHAT IS GOING ON OVER THERE
Darren: lbj
Me: METAPHOR-BASED MURDERS????
Darren: I’m in a closet. We all are. Lebron is out there. WHAT DID YOU SAY???
Me: OMG WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO HOW DO I HELP
Darren: oh no I think he sees me
Me: hello?
[No response.]
Me: HELLO? DARREN?
[No response.]
Me: DARREN!!!!???? HELLO????
[No response.]


LeBron: shea?
[No response.]
LeBron: shea I know you’re there
Me: no I’m not what do you want leave me alone I know what you did
LeBron: shea, have you ever heard of a movie called Friends?
Me: that’s not a movie it’s a tv show also please don’t do this
LeBron: what we have is a classic joey/monica metaphor
Me: oh god no
LeBron: see, in this instance Darren is joey
Me: I don’t know what’s happening
LeBron: and Bryce is the monkey that ross had for a few episodes
Me: I DON’T UNDERSTAND
LeBron: Kevin Durant is when jean-claude van damme guest appeared
Me: :’(
LeBron: and you’re me
LeBron: do you understand?
LeBron: do you get it?
LeBron: AM I BEING CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU THIS TIME
Me: I DO YES I DO IT’S A PERFECT METAPHOR YES GREAT I GET IT YOU’RE BETTER THAN KOBE YES I DON’T KNOW I’M SORRY YES WONDERFUL METAPHOR
LeBron: Shea?
Me: YES, LEBRON????
[Someone knocks at the door.]
LeBron: answer the door
Me: OH GOD NOOOOOOOOOO WHO IS IT
LeBron: it’s me, shea
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Filed Under: Dwyane Wade, Kevin Durant, Lebron James, NBA

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Shea Serrano is a staff writer for Grantland. He recently published his first book, Bun B’s Rap Coloring and Activity Book.

Archive @ SheaSerrano