This is the story of Gronk and Marshawn and the first tackle.
Adam, the first man, made love to his wife, Eve, the first woman, and she became pregnant, and was given a child, the first baby; and the first baby was big and he was happy, and so they called him Gronk. And lo, the sun shined. She said, “With the help of the League, I have brought forth a Patriot,” and Adam was pleased, and the League was pleased, too.
And it came to pass that she gave birth to his brother Marshawn, the second baby, and lo, the sun shone. She said, “With the help of the League, I have brought forth a hawk of the sea,” and Adam said, “A Seahawk,” and Eve agreed, and they were both pleased, because Marshawn was a beautiful and strong baby. But the League was not pleased, because Marshawn was rogue.
Now, Gronk kept the flocks, and was asked questions by the villagers about it, and he smiled and gronked, and the blessings were bountiful. And Marshawn worked the soil, and he tilled harder than any had before him, but lo, it was not enough for the League. For when the villagers asked about his efforts, Marshawn was leery, and he marshawned, and he silently referenced his phallus, and so the blessings were bountiful but less gregarious. And the League did not approve.
And it came to pass that Marshawn brought the fruit of the ground as an offering unto the League. And Gronk also brought an offering unto the League — fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The League looked with favor on Gronk and his offering, for he was merry, but did not look upon Marshawn and his offering with favor. So Marshawn was downtrodden, and his face was downcast.
The League said to Marshawn, “Why are you wroth, Marshawn? Look at thy brother, who is full of merriment and Budweiser.” And Marshawn said nothing. And the League continued, “Why is thy countenance fallen and downcast? Why do you silently reference your phallus, and why do you not answer questions?” And Marshawn was silent. And the League continued, “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But you do not do what is right, and lo, 15-yard penalties and fines crouch at your door; they desire to have you, but you must rule over them.” And Marshawn was silent.
In time it came to pass that Marshawn talked with Gronk. He said, “Let us go out to the field,” and lo, when they were in the field, Marshawn rose up against Gronk, and he said to him, “Tackle me,” and Gronk tried to tackle him, and it was the first tackle, and the force with which Marshawn hit Gronk shattered the firmament, and Gronk lay there, unmoving and unable. And Marshawn was pleased, but he did not celebrate, he only returned to his home.
And the League said unto Marshawn, “Where is Gronk thy brother?” And he said, “I know not; am I my brother’s keeper?”
And the League said, “What hast thou done? Hast thou tackled thy brother, for the voice of thy brother’s agony cried unto me from the ground,” and Marshawn was silent. And the League continued, “Marshawn, thou art cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother’s agony from thy hand,” and Marshawn was silent. And the League continued, “When you tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth,” and Marshawn was no longer silent.
And Marshawn said unto the League, “I am thankful,” and he repeated it, “I am thankful.”
And lo, Marshawn was driven from the field, and from his home, and yet he did not worry. “Behold, League, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth, and from thy face shall I be hid,” and Marshawn put on a mask that covered his face but for his eyes. “And I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; but I have a new field, and it shall come to pass, that every Sunday you will find me in Seattle, east of Eden, in my field. Send thy tacklers,” Marshawn said to the League, and he also wore golden shoes and a skullcap. “Send thy tacklers and I will slay them like I did my brother.”
And lo, Marshawn settled in Seattle, and that was his home, and he slayed tacklers and it was bountiful, and they celebrated the 48th harvest.
And in time it came to pass that the 48th harvest approached, and Marshawn said, “Glory be to Seattle, and darkness to all who celebrate Gronk,” and Marshawn celebrated again and lo, the first tackle was historic.