Fantasy Fantasy Football: The Experts’ Week 7 Picks


It’s time again for the most important weekly feature on the Internet: Fantasy Fantasy Football. Throughout the NFL season, we’ll be evaluating five fantasy football gurus as they tell us who to start and sit each week. Using a highly flawed method based loosely on mathematical principles, we’ll attempt to reveal the one true football prophet. (Here’s how it works: A pick counts in their favor if he ends up in the top half of the weekly scoring leaders. There are four categories — QBs, RBs, WRs, Defense/Special Teams — and points are awarded on a 5-1 scale in each.) The experts are:

1. Matthew Berry
2. Michael Fabiano
3. Mike Harmon*
4. Eric Mack*
5. Jamey Eisenberg

*As usual, we’ll be taking the first five picks only from Harmon and Mack to balance the numbers.

Weekly Results and Winners

Week 1 — (tie) Matthew Berry and Jamey Eisenberg
Week 2 — Eric Mack
Week 3 — Mike Harmon
Week 4 — Michael Fabiano
Week 5 — Eric Mack
Week 6 – Eric Mack

Quarterbacks

5 points: Matthew Berry

Yes: Tim Tebow, Jay Cutler, Ben Roethlisberger, Matt Hasselbeck = 2/4
No: Carson Palmer, Matt Ryan, Curtis Painter = 2/3
Total: 4/7

4 points: Eric Mack

Yes: Matt Ryan, Matt Stafford, Jay Cutler, Josh Freeman, Tim Tebow = 2/5
No: Mark Sanchez, Matt Hasselbeck, John Beck, Sam Bradford, Kevin Kolb = 2/5
Total: 4/10

3 points: Michael Fabiano

Yes: Tony Romo, Ben Roethlisberger, Josh Freeman, Matt Cassel = 2/4
No: Matt Schaub, Matt Ryan, Kevin Kolb, Mark Sanchez, Matt Hasselbeck = 1/5
Total: 3/9

2 points: Jamey Eisenberg

Yes: Matt Cassel, Colt McCoy, Ben Roethlisberger, Joe Flacco, Josh Freeman = 1/5
No: Carson Palmer, Matt Hasselbeck, Matt Schaub, Kevin Kolb, Mark Sanchez = 2/5
Total: 3/10

1 point: Mike Harmon

Yes: Jay Cutler, Tim Tebow, Matt Cassel, Ben Roethlisberger, Josh Freeman = 2/4
No: Cam Newton, Matt Schaub, Mark Sanchez = 0/3
Total: 2/7

Interlude 1: Fake Fantasy Advice You Should Not Heed

For Week 8, make sure not to start San Diego’s Qualcomm Stadium in the field category. The Chargers are playing on the road at Kansas City.

Running Backs

5 points: Mike Harmon

Yes: Rashard Mendenhall, Beanie Wells, Earnest Graham, DeMarco Murray, Daniel Thomas = 2/5
No: Maurice Jones-Drew, James Starks, DeAngelo Williams, Peyton Hillis = 4/4
Total: 6/9

4 points: Eric Mack

Yes: Shonn Greene, Michael Turner, Chris Johnson, Willis McGahee, Daniel Thomas = 2/5
No: Mike Tolbert, Jahvid Best, Marion Barber, Earnest Graham, Knowshon Moreno = 4/5
Total: 6/10

3 points: Jamey Eisenberg

Yes: DeMarco Murray, Jackie Battle, Willis McGahee, Marshawn Lynch, Mark Ingram = 1/5
No: James Starks, DeAngelo Williams, Tim Hightower, Michael Bush, Delone Carter = 3/5
Total: 4/10

2 points: Michael Fabiano

Yes: Ryan Mathews, Rashard Mendenhall, Mark Ingram, Jackie Battle, Ryan Torain = 0/5
No: Steven Jackson, Peyton Hillis, Shonn Greene, DeAngelo Williams, Delone Carter = 2/5
Total: 2/10

1 point: Matthew Berry

Yes: Ryan Mathews, Ryan Torain, Earnest Graham, Maurice Morris, Mark Ingram = 0/5
No: Steven Jackson, Montario Hardesty, Shonn Greene, James Starks = 1/4
Total: 1/9

Interlude 2: Nostradamus Quotes that sound like Fantasy Fantasy Football Predictions

From here:

Born in the shadows and during a dark day,
He will be sovereign in realm and goodness:
He will cause his blood to rise again in the ancient urn,
Renewing the age of gold for that of brass.

Here, Nostradamus references the ancient urn. And what does an urn hold? Ashes. And why would someone’s ashes be in an urn? Because that person has been harmed. Harm-on. Mike Harmon. It makes too much sense to be coincidence. Mike Harmon will win the overall title, and be a “sovereign in realm and goodness.” Just like I’ve always said.

Receivers

5 points: Michael Fabiano

Yes: Dez Bryant, Marques Colston, Pierre Garcon, Eric Decker, Darrius Heyward-Bay = 2/5
No: Vincent Jackson, Santana Moss, Percy Harvin, Mike Thomas, Mike Williams = 5/5
Total: 7/10

4 points: Mike Harmon

Yes: Marques Colston, Pierre Garcon, Brandon Lloyd, Eric Decker, Sidney Rice = 1/5
No: Brandon Marshall, Santonio Holmes, Kevin Walter, Lance Moore = 4/4
Total: 5/9

3 points: Matthew Berry

Yes: Eric Decker, Demaryius Thomas, Brandon Lloyd, Greg Little = 0/4
No: Pierre Garcon, Robert Meachem, Reggie Wayne, Lance Moore = 4/4
Total: 4/8

2 points: Jamey Eisenberg

Yes: Reggie Wayne, Greg Little, Nate Washington, Brandon Marshall, Sidney Rice = 0/5
No: Plaxico Burress, Mike Williams, Lance Moore, Devin Hester, Jacoby Jones = 4/5
Total: 4/10

1 point: Eric Mack

Yes: Devin Hester, Jacoby Jones, Eric Decker, Brandon Marshall, Davone Bess = 0/5
No: Malcolm Floyd, Julio Jones, Roy Williams, Brandon Lloyd, Early Doucet = 3/5
Total: 3/10

Interlude 3: Fantasy Fantasy Football Fantasy of the Week

This Week: Serial Justice

There’s a serial killer on the loose, and his victims are all fantasy football champions. But who could it be? The police are out of ideas, so Matthew Berry and I are tasked with finding the real killer. “We have to use you as a decoy,” Berry tells me. “But I’ll be a sitting duck!” I protest. “That’s what a decoy is,” Berry says. “Literally.” “Good point,” I respond. So we stage a fake fantasy league, and I win in the final week. That sets up the big celebration party, in a giant hall like the ones ancient knights used to gather in. I sit at the head of the table, seemingly alone, drinking from a giant goblet of wine. There’s a crown on my head and a spread of fine meats on the long table. Suddenly, the lights go out. The door opens, and the serial killer appears in a long duster jacket. “The fantasy is up!” he says. He begins sprinting toward me holding what looks to be a sharpened Lombardi Trophy. Just then, Berry glides down from the ceiling and captures the serial killer using a field goal net. He stumbles and falls just before he reaches me. “Wrong,” says Berry. “The fantasy is down.” He and I share a high-five. Another case closed.

Defense/Special Teams

5 points: Eric Mack

Yes: Chargers, Bears, Texans = 3/3
No: Cardinals, Chiefs = 1/2
Total: 4/5

4 points: Jamey Eisenberg

Yes: Cowboys = 1/1
No: Vikings = 1/1
Total: 2/2

3 points: Michael Fabiano

Yes: Steelers, Cowboys, Saints = 2/3
No: Texans, Buccaneers, Falcons = 2/3
Total: 4/6

2 points: Mike Harmon

Yes: Redskins, Broncos, Titans = 1/3
No: Lions, Jets = 2/2
Total: 3/5

1 point: Matthew Berry

Yes: Cowboys, Redskins = 1/2
No: None
Total: 1/2

The Results

It was an extremely close battle, but Eric Mack has now won his third straight week.

1. Mack — 14 points
2. Fabiano — 13 points
2. Harmon — 12 points
3. Eisenberg — 11 points
5. Berry — 10 points

Overall Standings

Mack and Fabiano added some distance to their leads over the field, and look like early favorites for the overall title as we reach the halfway point.

1. Mack — 98.5
2. Fabiano — 92.5
3. Harmon — 78.5
4. Eisenberg — 75.5
5. Berry — 74.5

See you for Week 8, when all hell will surely break loose.


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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

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