Don’t Go to Someone Else’s Parade
On Tuesday, from 7 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. EST, I spent my time at someone else’s parade.
I beg of you, never make the same mistake.
I’m not a Giants fan, but after the Super Bowl win over the Patriots, I thought it would be fun to watch tens of thousands of New Yorkers celebrate. It was easily one of the worst decisions I have ever made. When I wrote this, I was still a little shaken up by the day’s proceedings, so crafting prose didn’t really go too swimmingly, but I did manage to assemble a list of reasons one should never attend someone else’s parade, based on what happened to me Tuesday morning. It was so bad.
1. If you need to borrow a jersey from a friend at Barclays Capital at 6:15 a.m. to give off the illusion that you are a fan, don’t go to the parade.
2. If you’ve obtained a jersey, but still feel like an undercover cop at a high school kegger, don’t go to the parade.
3. If, 30 minutes into wearing the jersey, you haven’t even stopped to look down at whose jersey you’re wearing, don’t go to the parade.
4. If you spend the two hours leading up to the parade in Starbucks drinking vanilla chai lattes instead of securing a place on the parade route, don’t go to the parade.
5. If groups of aggressive boys walk by you, screaming “GO G-MEN” and you don’t instantly react because you’re waiting for Kelly Clarkson’s national anthem to buffer on your iPhone, don’t go to the parade.
6. If you aren’t constantly attempting to bribe police officers to let you slide past one of the barricades, don’t go to the parade.
7. If you willingly choose to lose your spot on the route to find a bathroom, instead of peeing in a cup while screaming “JPP,” don’t go to the parade.
8. If you don’t get amped up by shockingly inaccurate ethnic slurs of the opposing quarterback, don’t go to the parade.
9. If, at any point, you start wishing the other team won the Super Bowl so you never would have been subjected to this horrific event, don’t go to the parade.
10. If you leave the parade early and alone, just as you arrived, you definitely should not have gone to the parade.