Welcome degenerate gamblers. I knew you’d come back. Last week I offered up a gaggle of season-long props, and miraculously they’ve all survived Week 1. Now it’s time to start keeping track. And just so we don’t end up sharing prison cell bunk beds with Manny Ramirez, let’s change the term “dollars” to something ridiculous like “jermajesties” — which happens to be Jermaine Jackson’s son’s real name (yes — turns out that family is weird).
Anyway, I’ll start myself off with 1,000,000 jermajesties. That way after Week 6 when I’m left with 75,000 it will still seem like a lot. I’ll list my favorite NFL proposition bets of the week and how much I’m risking, and we’ll sort it all out next week over rye toast.
Here’s Week 2:
Bills over 23.5 points scored (-115)
Not sure if it will translate to wins, but I like the Bills to score a lot of points this year. Especially for the next week or so while Buffalo is still blizzard-free and the Bills are pitted against tired, penalty-prone defenses traveling cross-country after a short week. Prop lock of the week. Wager: 200,000 jermajesties.
Jags/Jets won’t score in the first 7 minutes (-115)
Browns/Colts won’t score in first 7 minutes (-115)
Cardinals/Redskins won’t score in the first 6.5 minutes (-115)
I’m going to try something different here. With fewer kickoffs being returned you can anticipate poorer starting field positions, right? So it should follow that in games involving the weaker offenses it could take longer than half of the first quarter before we see any points on the board. I’m sure this will prove to be a worse experiment than the Cool Ranch Dorito taco, but bear with me for now. Wager: 50,000 jermajesties each.
Texans under 25.5 points scored (-115)
As much as I dislike the Dolphins this year I’m looking for their defense to undo their embarrassing performance last Monday night against the mighty Pats. 25.5 is a lot of points for the overvalued Texans to score on the road on grass. If you take the over — you might be on grass, as well. Wager: 50,000 jermajesties.
Rodgers (5/1) to have the most passing yards in Week 2
John Beason was the lynchpin of the Panthers defense. He’s out now with a torn Achilles. With the middle of the field a good deal softer, Aaron Rodgers is sure to put up big numbers this week. How big — the biggest of all 32 starting QBs. 5/1 is too high — take it. Wager: 10,000 jermajesties.
Some extra props that I may or may not have made up:
Broncos fans calling for Tebow — over/under 6 words into the PA announcer’s introduction of Kyle Orton
I’m going under. “At QB — from Purdue” seems like a good point for the weekly Denver rage to set in.
Over $75. That’s how much I’d pay for a ticket to see Ron Jaworski and Andrew Dice Clay on their Pigskin Potty-Mouth Party Brigade Fall Concert Tour.
“Hickory Dickory Dock — Chad Henne can’t manage the f%$*ing clock.”
Even odds that the Jets win another nail-biter this week when QB Mark Sanchez pulls a horseshoe out of his rectum and chucks it downfield, knocking over a Jags defender and allowing Plaxico Burress and his bullet-proof rabbit’s foot to score the game-winning touchdown in an end zone covered with four-leaf clovers.
I apologize. They’re lucky. I’m bitter. I’ll get over it.
Over/under: Will Smith tosses Marc Anthony out of his luxury box, free-falling to his demise in Week 8.
I’m going under. Sure, it appears as if they like each other in this clip:
But at some point Will Smith is going to realize Marc Anthony is inviting him to his luxury box to watch the MIAMI DOLPHINS PLAY FOOTBALL. As far as I’m concerned, this form of torture represents a far worse gesture than the alleged affair Anthony allegedly had with his alleged wife. On the other hand — if the Patriots didn’t remind Will of cheating, nothing will.
That’s that. Enjoy Week 2. Please remember to spend your jermajesties wisely.
Cousin Sal Iacono is a Jimmy Kimmel Live staff writer, and can also be seen as a regular performer. Follow him on Twitter at @TheCousinSal.
Follow Grantland on Twitter or check out Grantland’s Facebook page.
Read more of The Triangle, Grantland’s sports blog.
Contact us at email@example.com