About Last Weekend: You Don’t Mess With Bama
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- Facing a hostile road crowd, AJ McCarron led no. 1 Alabama on a game-winning drive, completing the winning touchdown pass with 51 seconds remaining as the Tide beat no. 5 LSU 21-17. McCarron said he was motivated by school pride, the desire to win a national championship, and the pulsing pain emanating from the remote-activated chip implanted in his skull by Nick Saban.
- Andrew Luck set an NFL rookie record with 433 passing yards in a 23-20 Colts win over the Dolphins. “We totally hazed him!” said Dolphins safety Chris Clemons. “We totally hazed the rook by pretending not to cover his receivers! Oh man, I wish I could see his face when he finds out. He’s gonna be like ‘WHAAAAAA?‘”
- Peyton Manning engineered the 48th game-winning drive of his career, an NFL record, to lead the Broncos over the Bengals 31-23. Manning insisted that he didn’t lose a second-half lead intentionally just to get the record, but his explanation for punting the ball out of the shotgun on second down was, at best, vague.
- Isaac Redman rushed for 147 yards and the Steelers scored 14 unanswered fourth-quarter points to beat the Giants 24-20. Despite the win, reports from behind the Steel Curtain indicate a failing infrastructure as coach Mike Tomlin’s five-year plan shows no growth in key defensive industries, and Ben Roethlisberger continues to terrorize the linemen by encouraging them to spy on one another and report any “crimes against the MotherTeam.”
- No. 2 Kansas State routed no. 24 Oklahoma State 44-30, but Wildcat quarterback Collin Klein, a Heisman candidate, was injured in the third quarter and may be out for a week or more. The nature of his injury was kept secret, but some reporters suspected a concussion when Klein visited the media room wearing only a towel around his waist and the shards of a green Gatorade bottle on his head to deliver a badly mangled version of Mark Antony’s speech from Julius Caesar.
- Kenjon Barner ran for 321 yards and five touchdowns to lead no. 4 Oregon to a 62-51 shootout win over no. 17 USC. His less successful twin brother, Jonken Barner, spent all day Saturday trying to open a pickle jar before finally hurling it against a brick wall and cursing his tiny, frail hands.
- Jimmie Johnson held off Brad Keselowski to win the AAA Texas 500 and take a seven-point lead in the Sprint Cup standings with two races remaining. The race sponsor, AAA, stands for Anonymous Alcoholics Anonymous, a 12-step organization specifically for alcoholics who, for various reasons, are already living under an assumed identity.
- Sources report that the contract extension Sean Payton signed with the Saints in September 2011 was voided by the NFL sometime in the last year, and the coach is now free to sign elsewhere next season. When the news came out, Payton’s first call came from Browns GM Tom Heckert, who failed to finish his pitch before the team phone card ran out of minutes.
- Carmelo Anthony’s 27 points led the Knicks to a 100-84 win over the 76ers and the team’s first 2-0 start in 13 years. “Dudes, I’d say this calls for a pizza!” yelled Anthony, in what is quickly becoming known as his trademark catchphrase.
- NHL owners and the Players’ Association are set to resume talks this Tuesday, according to sources. The sources went on to ask if they could please stop sleeping with commissioner Gary Bettman to obtain information about the lockout, and were told that no, they could not; this was too important.