About Last Weekend: Tiger Tamed Once Again

Woods/MickelsonIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.

  • Phil Mickelson out-dueled Tiger Woods by 11 shots in the final round to win the Pebble Beach National Pro-Am. At the press conference, an angry Woods said that the only reason Mickelson beat him is that he was able to stabilize his putter by nestling it between his ample breasts.
  • The Yankees are in trade talks with the Pirates that may involve sending A.J. Burnett to Pittsburgh. It turns out the Yankees are on the lookout for a DH and a few young prospects, while the Pirates need someone who can belch redneck anthems and get arrested for cooking meth in a motel bathtub.

  • No. 12 Michigan State moved into a tie for the Big Ten lead with a defensive 58-48 win over no. 3 Ohio State. After the game, Buckeye fans couldn’t help but question Thad Matta’s cautious tactic of punting 24 times on offense.
  • Phil Pressey hit four of his team’s 14 3-pointers as no. 4 Missouri beat no. 6 Baylor 72-57. In the second half, Baylor’s Quincy Acy became the first NCAA player who was so bad on defense that his coach actually instructed him to sit down and rest in the paint until the ball came back.
  • Linsanity continued over the weekend as Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin led his team past the Timberwolves (20 points) and the Lakers (career-high 38 points). Even LeBron James and his coach, Erik Spoelstra, admitted to being impressed with Lin. But when LeBron said, “I’m really impressed,” he was staring at a locker room mirror, and it was unclear whether he was responding to the question about Lin.
  • Rajon Rondo notched a triple-double with 32 points, 15 assists, and 10 boards as the Celtics topped the Bulls 95-91. Bulls point guard Derrick Rose sat out the game with back spasms, and will see a specialist on Monday. “Meester Rose,” said his teammate Omer Asik, when he heard about Rose’s appointment. “You will be so kind enough to gettink me some — ” “No, dude,” Rose interrupted. “I’m not getting you any Viagra. It’s not even that kind of specialist, and I wouldn’t anyway. Stop asking. You’re creeping me out.”
  • Billy Cundiff, the Ravens kicker who missed a short game-tying field goal in the AFC championship, said the support he’s received from his teammates has been “impressive.” Apparently, Ray Lewis even invited him to go ice fishing next month at the world’s deepest lake near Lewis’ isolated cabin on Michigan’s Upper Peninsula.
  • In the final of the African Cup of Nations, Zambia stunned the Ivory Coast after 120 scoreless minutes and 18 penalty kicks. The loss is especially heartbreaking for the Ivory Coast, who just lost a narrow title match to Team Elephant in last month’s Ivory Cup.
  • The Seattle Mariners started spring training a week early in preparation for their season-opening game against Oakland in Japan. Only pitchers and catchers reported on Sunday, but the team’s offensive production picked up right where it left off in 2011.

Okay, Revelation Monday time. Last week’s Participation Friday theme was terrible dates, and once again we got some good, lengthy stories. The lesson to take from all of them is that you should never try to start a romantic relationship with anyone. No time to waste, so here are some bonuses and the Top Ten.

Bonus 1: Pretty bad date, hilarious breakup

So in my senior year of high school, my girlfriend and I went on a date … to the mall … where she spent 3hrs in Old Navy trying on clothes … whilst I sat on a bench next to the hot dog vendor. Then after our glorious day at the mall we went to the most romantic place she could think of. Buffalo Wild Wings. Where she complained about me eating chicken wings while on a date. The worst part of this date? About 4 hours later her mom called me to tell me that my girlfriend and I would longer be dating.

— Kyle from Clinton, Illinois

Bonus 2: Seth from Conway, inaugural member of the Participation Friday Hall of Fame

Spring Break, Panama City, FL — Me and my best friend Steven took these two girls we had recently met out on a double date for dinner. Steven was coming off a bad breakup and wasn’t too interested in his date so I had to convince him to come along. While there, Steven proceeded to drink too much whiskey and stopped censoring himself while at the table. He grew noticeably intoxicated and began harassing our waitress and telling extremely inappropriate stories about previous relationships which were obviously making both girls very uncomfortable. When we were finished eating Steven insisted on driving back to the resort ignoring our better judgment.

While we were all riding back he saw some wild ducks in the road so he sped up to “scare ‘em off” and in the process slaughtered several birds with our rental. This happened immediately outside of the hotel we were staying at so he decided to pull over and pick them up then toss their carcasses in a nearby dumpster in front of several onlookers. We later found out they were tame ducks there for guest enjoyment and some of them were even given names by the staff. Afterwards, I reluctantly asked my date if she wanted to come up to our room. As anticipated, she immediately declined. Steven has yet to issue me an apology.
— Seth in Conway, AR, who makes the cut almost every week

Top Ten

10. A friend of mine had recently gone through a tough break up and was starting to date again. He called to tell me he’d met a new girl that he really liked. On their first date she said to him “I don’t play games.” As men, we all know that means she plays insane amounts of games. I told him that was a red flag. After a few more dates, she suggested that they go holiday shopping together. Upon arriving at the mall, she hands him a piece of paper. On that paper is a list of the top 10 things she thinks are wrong with him! A TOP TEN LIST OF FLAWS! He then left her in the mall and hasn’t spoke to her since. So much for not playing games.
— Nate

9. I was living in Alabama at the time of my worst date. I drove 20 miles to pick the girl up only to discover that she lived in a trailer in the woods alone, save for the company of her collection of Jesus paraphernalia. Then we drove 20 miles to the restaurant. It was a nice night and we sat outside. The patio was full and we were making basic introductory conversation. As an atheist living in Alabama, I avoided asking about all the Jesus in the trailer. When the waitress asked about drinks, trailer date ordered a soda. Then she looked at me, glaring right into my soul, willing me to order a water instead of a beer or other alcoholic beverage. I had water.

Then, when the food came, she held her hands out across the table. I thought she wanted to hold hands and say she was having a great time or something like that so I obliged. Instead, she asked me if I wanted to bless the food. I told her, with a laugh, that I’d let her go ahead and do it. She gave a lengthy prayer, and asked God to help me be more prepared to bless meals in the future. We didn’t talk the rest of the meal or the 20 mile drive back to her place. On the plus side, the lack of alcohol consumption offset the gas money that was put into the failed endeavor.
— Ben in D.C.

8. A friend went on a date with a girl he met on an online dating service … When they arrived at the bar they ordered drinks and sat at a table. Not 5 minutes in, the girl got up to go to the bathroom. A few minutes after the bouncer came over to the table to get her coat. My friend informed the bouncer that it was his date’s coat, to which he replied, “I know, she asked me to get it for her, sorry bro.” Ruthless.
—DJ from NYC

7. I had a blind date from the internet a dozen or so years ago. We met up for what was supposed to be dinner at a TGI Friday’s. She insists on having a cocktail first before we order so I order a beer and she orders one of those big fishbowl size margaritas. She’s on her 2nd one of those before I even finish my first beer. She then decides shes not hungry but I should order anyway — she’ll just have a 3rd margarita. I decide then that I should order something small, eat, and make this as quick as possible.

Shes on #4 when my food arrives and while I’m eating decides to share the story of how she was in a car accident a few months back in which the other driver was killed, and how while she was not found at fault, she blames herself every day — tears are starting to come out now. She then says “I’m sure you’re having a miserable time — you should just go — I’ll pick up the bill.” I lie and say no no I’m having fun, but the second I’m done I ask for the check. I pay, and she asks if I want to head to the bar and have another drink. I say no and make up something about getting up early so have a nice night. I heard from her a couple days later — she got a DUI on the way home and insisted I pay half the ticket.
— Scott K.

6. It was a first date with a professional musician I met online. I suggested we meet for a drink at a bar, then go to a play at a nearby theater (I already had the tickets), then dinner.

She neglected to mention that she’d had vocal-cord surgery earlier that year, and couldn’t speak above a raspy whisper. So much for talking in the bar — I couldn’t hear a word she was saying. We went and sat in a park for a little while, and then walked to the theater.

A sign on the box office said, “Performance cancelled due to actor injury.”

Great.

On to the restaurant, about two hours earlier than planned. Fortunately, they had room, and a table in a relatively quiet area. I could hear her now – I had to lean in a bit, which was kind of effective on her part – and the conversation flowed nicely. It was all going well, and seemed even better when she somehow brought up the subject of her recent cable TV upgrade, which she especially liked because “now I’m getting the sex channels.”

Oh? Tell me more.

“Here’s a little sex tip for you about me,” she said. I leaned in even further. This was gonna be good.

“When I have sex with someone,” she continued, and paused …

Yeeessssssss?

“I get really obsessed with them.”

(Sound effect of six-car pileup in my brain.)

“I need to see them the next night, and call them a couple of times a day, and just really get very, very wrapped up with them, and that’s something you ought to know about me.”

Ohhhhh-kaaayyyyyy.

I didn’t call for the check immediately — at least, not literally. But the little cartoon man on my shoulder had his coat on and was halfway out the door.

Don’t get me wrong; this was a valuable thing to know about someone. How often do you meet a woman who lets you know up front that after you hook up, she’s gonna bring the crazy?

And maybe it was a really subtle way to tell me she wasn’t interested, because I can’t imagine a man alive — a person alive — who’d respond to that statement by thinking, Sounds great! Count me in!

There was no second date.
— Anon in NY, NY

5. So I met this girl on a blind date and it went surprisingly smoothly. She seemed kind of cool and the date was pretty casual and didn’t seem forced. I agreed to a second date and what happened next no one could’ve imagined. We agreed to meet at a local dim sum place to continue the low key atmosphere from our previous date. I was coming straight from work so I’m dressed standard business causal and I walk in a few minutes late. As I walk in I see she’s already waiting for me at a table decked out in a fancy dress almost as if she’s going to a holiday party (it was March, by the way). It strikes me as weird but I wave it off and we order our food. The conversation is definitely less laid back compared to the first date and I realize midway through that she’s a stage 5 clinger (the prom dress should’ve given it away). In my head I’m thinking just eat your food and get out of there, no biggie.

Well midway through our meal, she decides to have a seizure, mid sentence and fall off her chair in the middle of the restaurant. Not to be a dick, I spend the next 5 hours at the local ER because I didn’t know anyone who she could call. She gets discharged and goes home. A few days later I call to tell her its not going to work out. She proceeds to text me for the next 4 months, about 50 times a week (I’d never respond) telling me shes in love with me. To recap, cool girl turns psycho clinger and seizures out in a restaurant on 2nd date, then texts me for next 4 months. Safe to say it was my worst date ever.

-J.D. — New Jersey

4. Alright, so this wasn’t so much a date, but it was a night out with me, a freshman guy, and the freshman girl I was crushing on. After driving around smoking pot with her and a couple of my friends she invited me to a bar for a couple of drinks with her girl friends. We sat and drank, and drank, and drank some more, and when the bar closed at 2 AM she informed me she was afraid to walk back to her dorm by herself this late in the evening and asked for an escort home. I, as a gentleman, obliged. I was happy to continue our evening. When we got back to her dorm room she invited me in, and I eagerly accepted. We laid next to each other in bed and then she began kissing my neck etc.. Next thing I know I am losing my virginity to the girl I like.

However, I am very drunk, and as I come to know later that is an issue that works against sexual functionality. Eventually I “lose my steam” or “Pull a reverse Tebow”. I then get out of bed to normalize myself and begin to feel nausea. I throw up in her room, terrible. After shaming myself, I need to freshen up so I head to the bathroom. I am in a dorm on an all girls floor so I take her key and head to the communal bathroom to clean up. After rinsing the vomit and shame off of myself I leave the bathroom and actually call attention to myself from a security guard I had conversed with a week before, not realizing it was in bad taste to be leaving the woman’s bathroom at 3:30 AM. He asks what I’m doing and so on, and he proceeds to call the police.

I am then escorted back to my dormitory in the back of a police car. When I got home my dorm had been robbed, marijuana paraphernalia had been left out, and I had a note that requested that I contact the police when I got back. I waited until after sleeping, but that next day I was informally arrested and charged with possession of paraphernalia. I did not have any more sexual contact with this girl … In summary, the night I lost my virginity I failed to please her or myself, threw up in her dormitory, was escorted home by the police, robbed, and charged with a felony in the state of Iowa. Yes, I would like to remain anonymous.
— Anonymous

3. So a few years back, I had been on a couple of dates with a girl during the early spring. We had planned to get together one evening for something non-specific — maybe dinner and a movie, etc. When I got out of work for the day, I found that one of my favorite rivers had thawed for the spring and the water was looking fast, muddy, and cold, but incredibly inviting for someone who had survived an entire winter without kayaking. In my excitement to get out on the water, I asked she would be interested in doing some kayaking with me. Apparently still trying to impress by being agreeable to new experiences, she said yes.

Important life lesson: if you ever tell someone in a canoe or kayak to “paddle forward”, and they proceed to move the paddle from back to front by pushing “forward” with their lower hand, it’s likely not a good idea to send them out in a kayak during the flood season. So imagine the following scene taking place on the muddy banks of a flooded creek, the air temps in the 50s, and the water temps still closer to the high 30s:

I helped her get her vest on, get into the boat, get her paddle together, etc.

I pushed her kayak out onto the water.

She turned to me with a slight look of panic in her eyes and said “what do I do?”, as the current swept her downriver sideways.

To get her boat oriented with the flow of water, I responded with “paddle forward to straighten out”.

She proceeds to move the paddle from back to front, her version of “forward”.

I thought, “WTF?”

Within 30 seconds, the combination of water currents/eddies, kayaks being a little tough to balance, and her general inexperience lead to her kayak flipping, and resulted in her struggling to tread water while the boat she was in and the paddle she was using (both borrowed from my buddy Pete) floated down the river.

I spent the next 3-5 minutes getting her to shore (from the safety of my own kayak), and the 45 minutes after that chasing down the paddle and boat (which had both thankfully remained afloat). The date ended fairly abruptly. That was the last time I talked to her … and the last time I took someone out kayaking before asking for their previous experience in watersports.
— Erik B. from Des Moines, IA

2. My junior year of college, I head back to campus in the late summer to move in and begin other necessary college activities. That weekend we have a home football game, so naturally I’m out to tailgate and party with my friends. At the tailgate I meet a girl, and we hit it off, spending the game together and going to a party together afterwards.

At some point throughout the day I mentioned that I spend a lot of my summer sailing and racing around Lake Michigan. She responds that she’d love to try that sometime (our school is near the lake, and my family’s boat). That evening my dad calls me to say he’s going out on the boat the next day and I should bring anyone I want. This seems like a pretty perfect fit, I’m talking to a girl who wants to go sailing, and I now have an opportunity to take her. Sailing isn’t something everybody does and it would be a cool first date. I’m not thrilled about the whole Dad thing, but he’s pretty cool, and my plan is to be on the other side of the boat, with the Laura, while he and his buddies do everything.

So the next morning I pick her up and head down to the boat early, to show her how everything works, and what to do and all that. Shortly after I look up to see my dad on his way down the dock with … MY ENTIRE EXTENDED FAMILY, Grandma, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, the whole shabang. My dad failed to mention that it was a family sail. This is obviously horrible, as my date is guarenteed to think I’m insane. And it’s made worse by the fact that I’ve never brought a girl to meet my extended family before, so they think that this must be something serious. The other downside here is that none of my extended family members know how to sail, so I have to work the boat the whole day while my date is stuck talking to my aunts and grandma. Add to this my cousin just had a baby, so they are all gushing with dreams of grandchildren and child raising, and project these aspirations onto my date. I also unfortunately overheard a conversation where my grandma was discussing the merits of breast feeding.

Needless to say, this was not a long sustained relationship.
— Ben in Chicago

1. Took a girl out for a first date when I was in the USAF back in 1998. Had reservations at a decent restaurant that served authentic Mexican Food. (there’s a reason why that’s bolded). 5 minutes away from the restaurant, afte being a gentleman and picker her up at her place; my car blows a tire. So there I am at 7:00 at night, wearing nice clothes, dragging the spare tire out and putting it on. That should have been my first clue that that night was doomed. Got to the restaurant about 5 minutes late, and had to wait about 45 minutes before a table opened up, as they had given my reservation away. We order, and turns out she forgot her ID, so no alcohol on the date, either.

We small-talk for a bit and wait for the food. While we were talking, she’s being slightly obnoxious, loud and vulgar, but I shrug it off. An hour later, it finally arrives, but they got her order wrong. So we send it back, and I, being a gentleman, offer her some of my dinner as she waits. She declines, and about 15 minutes later, her food arrives. More small talk, and about an hour later we’re done, I pay the check and we go. Took her to a club she’d mentioned where a “friend” of hers works as a DJ. Go there, and within 5 minutes … poof! No sign of her. I search the club for about an hour and find her talking with her “friend”, the DJ.

She turns to me and says she wants to go home. Fine with me. On the way back to her place, she asks to stop along the side of the road. I do and she proceeds to puke on the hood of my car. By know I’m a little bit upset about how the night’s gone, but figure, it’ll wash off. About 5 minutes later, she SHITS through her pants and gets it all over my passengers seat. Unfortunately, there’s no gas station or anything near by for her to clean herself off (or my seat) So for the remaining 15 minutes, I’m stuck in a car that smells like diarrhea, has a puke stain on the hood and she’s complaining about some stupid shit, that frankly by this time I really don’t care about. Get her home, and I offer to walk her up to her door, she rebuffs me, and says good night and to give her a call tomorrow.

I stop at the first gas station I see on the way home, and spend about 20 minutes cleaning off my passenger’s seat and the hood of my car. I call her the next day, like she asked me to do, and a guy answers the phone. I ask if she’s there, and after a minute or two, she picks up the phone. She doesn’t apologize for the previous night, but then proceeds to tell me she’d won a bet. I ask what bet? It was for winning a bet she’d made with her BOYFRIEND, the DJ that she could go out on a date with someone, and be obnoxious as hell to them and because she’s pretty (which I admit she was) the guy wouldn’t do a thing about it. I’m really ticked off at this point, but decide to hold my tongue and just hang up on her. So that was the night I wasted 5 hours, $100.00 (about $50 for the dinner, $20 for the club, and $30.00 for gas and cleaning out/off my car), just so a girl could win a $5.00 bet with her boyfriend.
— Mark S.

Death would be too good for them, Mark. You win.

Previous Participation Fridays:

Best/worst excuses
Heckling stories
Weird laws
Animal facts

Filed Under: About Last Weekend, Baltimore Ravens, Baylor, Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, Jeremy Lin, Missouri, New York Knicks, Ohio State, Rajon Rondo, Seattle Mariners, Tiger Woods

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere