In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- North Carolina advanced to the Sweet 16 with a win over Creighton, but paid a steep price when point guard Kendall Marshall fractured his wrist. Marshall is the second Tar Heel to suffer a wrist injury in recent weeks, after center John Henson sustained a sprain that kept him out of the ACC tournament championship. “Weak wrists,” said former Syracuse assistant Bernie Fine, shaking his head sadly. “I guess my masturbation drills don’t look so ‘bizarre’ now, do they, America?”
- The rest of the Sweet 16 is set, and it won’t include Duke or Missouri, who joined the small group of 2-seeds to lose to 15-seeds in the first round. Missouri fans were extremely disappointed, but sources in Durham report that it only took Coach K 13 minutes to convince the pliable Duke fan base that by losing to such a terrible team, they’d done something really rare and special. Also, there is no such person as Miles Plumlee, and any memories we have of him are just false thought waves sent by Carolina propagandists.
- A few lower seeds pulled off upsets to reach the Sweet 16, including NC State (11-seed), Ohio (13), Xavier (10), and Cincinnati (6). In fact, four teams from Ohio are still alive, which led state governor John Kasich to apologize in advance for the smell.
- Dwyane Wade scored 14 points in the fourth quarter to propel the Heat to a 91-81 win over the Magic. “I thought if I played hard enough, the ‘Y’ in my first name would move to the correct spot,” said a downcast Wade after the game. “It didn’t. It never does.”
- Despite wanting his veteran guidance as they make a playoff push, the Houston Rockets were unable to convince Derek Fisher to play, and have negotiated a buyout. “Old people can be really set in their ways,” said a Rockets representative, speaking under the condition of anonymity. “He’s still upset that Texas fought with the Confederacy in the Civil War. Also, he’s frightened of rockets, and believe me, we tried every explanation you’re thinking of right now.”
- Roger Federer defeated John Isner 7-6 (7), 6-3 to win the fourth Indian Wells title of his career. John Isner, of course, is a giant white robot who serves really fast but is unable to move laterally because of the constraints of his cumbersome metal “feet.”
- Luke Donald hit a clutch iron shot out of the rough to win a four-man playoff at the Transitions Championship and reclaim the world no. 1 ranking. Unfortunately, Donald didn’t quite understand the stakes of winning the “Transitions” tournament. Long story short, he’s now a woman.
- Brad Keselowski led for 232 laps and held off a late charge by Daytona 500 winner Matt Kenseth to win his second straight race at Bristol. “This is the last goddamn time I use a f$#%ing Clydesdale horse,” Kenseth yelled after the race. “I don’t care how much Budweiser pays me.”
- After failing to land Peyton Manning, the Miami Dolphins met with 49ers quarterback Alex Smith, sources reported. “Hey, thanks so much for coming,” the Dolphins reportedly said. “Before we get started, quick question — if you were us, how would you go about landing Peyton Manning? Also, total hypothetical, but what are your feelings on being used as bait?”