About Last Weekend: The Ravens Have Spoken
In case you were busy being the guy who doesn’t watch the Super Bowl (and good on you, hero), here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- Oh my word, Super Bowl XLVII! The 47th annual Super Bowliad! The Harbomination®©. The Flaccomingoutparty. The End of Football in the World. What a game! Joe Flacco and Anquan Boldin led the Baltimore Ravens to a 34-31 victory over an inspired San Francisco 49ers unit, which almost overcame a 22-point deficit before seeing an onscreen graphic that showed the largest deficit overcome in the Super Bowl was 10 points and giving up.
- Super Bowl XLVII was also the final game for one of the legends of an era, Ravens Linebacker Ray Lewis. Lewis, who has seen his share of controversy throughout his career, left the stage with his trademark piety, saying, “Man, I didn’t play well enough for us to win, but the team and God really picked me up. Haven’t gotten away with anything like that in a loooooong time.” Lewis then winked, pointed to the sky, and said, “I owe you one, big guy!” God responded, “Dude owes me more than one. Way more. Man, sometimes I have no idea why I keep bailing him out. But we go way back. I dunno, Pete is telling me to cut him off, but then I see those big sweet eyes, and I just can’t help myself.”
- In an unbelievable moment featuring the most valuable entity in sports, a football stadium was plunged into darkness, as players and attendees alike were left to feel their way through a disorienting disruption at an unexpected time. That’s right, Manchester United’s 1-0 win over Fulham at Craven Cottage was interrupted by a shocking power outage at the end of the first half. As the world watched and cracked jokes at his expense on Twitter, former Batman nemesis Bane sobbed softly, looked at himself in the mirror, and thought only of the horrific pain that forced him to wear a mask for the remainder of his life. Unfortunately for Bane, all the mucus and tears began to clog his aerating apparatus, leaving him to choke on his own sadness until an attendant could come and help. Meanwhile, Wayne Rooney scored the decisive goal in the 79th minute, which further disappointed Bane, who, naturally, is a Chelsea supporter.
- The Football Hall of Fame announced its 2013 class with offensive linemen Jonathan Ogden and Larry Allen leading the way. Ogden said of his induction, “It’s nice to see the guys up on the offensive front get a little …” before being interrupted by fellow inductee Warren Sapp, who told a long-winded and off-color story about how his experience with the Tampa Bay nightlife compared to the film Magic Mike, before declaring Ogden’s press conference over.
- The NFL awarded its prizes for MVP and Offensive Player of the Year to Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson, for his record-threatening season on the heels of a serious knee injury. “Oh, thank god,” said Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez. “I hear those awards are cursed, along with all of the other awards.” Sanchez then lowered his voice and whispered, “By witches,” adding, “and I will keep playing badly to avoid winning one until someone brings me the head of each and every witch out there.”
- Cody Zeller powered the Indiana Hoosiers over the top-ranked Michigan Wolverines, 81-73, in a rip-roaring affair at Assembly Hall. Brooklyn resident and self-proclaimed “artisan hoop-truth enthusiast” Clenton Parmer said after the game, “People talk all day about Zeller, but I’m gonna open your mind right now: Victor. Oladipo. I know, you probably haven’t even heard of him,” Parmer said of the projected first-round pick and SportsCenter regular, “but I’ll tell you, that guy is the real player to watch on that Hoosiers team. Or as I call them, the ‘ear-biters,’ due to the apocryphal tale of the famous brawl where the phrase ‘whose ear’ morphed into ‘Hoosier.’ Pretty interesting, eh?” Parmer then smiled smugly, fiddled with his mustache, and handed out some home-pickled radishes.
- Phil Mickelson completed a wire-to-wire win at the Phoenix Open, finishing at 28-under. Mickelson, who missed opportunities to claim a share of the 18-hole and 36-hole PGA scoring records, said after the tournament, “A wire-to-wire victory is nice, but I’ve won dozens of tournaments. If I had just choked today and pulled off a three-choke weekend, that would’ve really been something to tell the grandkids about.” Mickelson then fell silent, contemplating his holing a 55-foot birdie putt at the seventh hole, thinking of what might have been had he hit it just a little firmer, or taken a slightly higher line, forcing him to make par or bogey. “It all should’ve fallen apart,” Mickelson mumbled, as he was handed a million-dollar check. “It all should have fallen apart.”
- The Celtics topped the L.A. Clippers, 106-104, at the TD Garden, moving to 4-0 without their injured point guard, Rajon Rondo. “This is proof of what I always said,” said former NBA All-Star Allen Iverson. “Passing and distribution is overrated. … Now will someone please give me a job?”
- The famed Toomer’s Corner Oaks at Auburn University are coming down, the result of a poisoning allegedly perpetrated by deranged Alabama fan Harvey Updyke. While poisoning these trees was an outrageous and unfortunate act, I must say, I’m impressed by the effectiveness of Updyke’s work. Were I, in a fit of lunacy, moved to kill a number of trees, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Let’s see, how did Updyke do it … Googling it now … oh, well, he just used a common pesticide called Spike 80DF … WAIT WHAT? Updyke! I told you not to drag me and my name into this, you son of a bitch. Oh, you’ll get yours, Updyke. Now if only I could come up with a way to make fun of an Alabama fan from Texas named Harvey Updyke … If only …