About Last Weekend: The NBA Unlocked
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- The NBA is back! Pending ratification, a new labor agreement has been reached between players and owners that would allow for a 66-game season beginning on Christmas day. Which means that the first Christmas memory for many young children will be the terrifying image of Kevin Garnett screaming at them through the television.
- The magnificent Tim Tebow rushed 22 times — the most by a quarterback since at least 1950 — as the Broncos prevailed against the Chargers 16-13 in overtime. Despite a 5-1 record as a starter, Tebow preached humility after the game. “Jesus is still the best player in the NFL,” he said. “I’m just a really close second.”
- Tom Brady threw for 361 yards and three touchdowns as the Patriots essentially ended the Eagles’ playoff hopes with a 38-20 win. “I mean, I love Tebow and all,” said Jesus, “but let’s face facts: Tom Brady is the best player in the NFL.”
- Mark Sanchez threw four touchdown passes as the Jets squeaked by the Bills 28-24. “Mark Sanchez is the best player in the NFL,” said Rex Ryan, wearing a really unconvincing Jesus costume.
- In the battle for Ohio, the Bengals beat the Browns 23-20 on a field goal in the last minute. When surveying the land of his conquest, Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis said, “not worth it.”
- Tyrann Mathieu, the “Honey Badger,” returned a punt for a touchdown and forced two fumbles as no. 1 LSU beat no. 3 Arkansas 41-17 to win the SEC West. Unfortunately, Mathieu quit the team immediately after the game when he discovered that coach Les Miles had been lying to him, and he can get honey in any grocery store.
- In the Iron Bowl, Alabama trounced Auburn 42-14 as Trent Richardson rushed for 203 yards. According to reports from North Carolina, Cam Newton didn’t lose his insufferable grin for even a split second when he heard the result.
- Andrew Luck threw for 233 yards and four touchdowns as no. 6 Stanford topped no. 22 Notre Dame 28-14. “From a spiritual angle, it’s been killing us to compete on the same weekend as Tim Tebow,” said Notre Dame president Father John Jenkins.
- The top-ranked North Carolina Tar Heels were upset in Las Vegas, losing to UNLV 90-80. After the game, Runnin’ Rebels coach Dave Rice was ecstatic. “We played as a team, we never stopped believing, and our players are all 29 years old just like the old days,” he said.
- No. 4 UConn rallied from a semifinal loss against UCF to defeat no. 22 Florida St. in the consolation game of the Battle 4 Atlantis, winning 78-76 in overtime. When surveying the land of his conquest, UConn head coach Jim Calhoun said, “holy shit, way worth it. Wayyyyy worth it.”
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