About Last Weekend: The Lake Show Gets Canceled

In case you were busy on eBay trying to unload your Tim Tebow Jets jersey, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:

  • The San Antonio Spurs dispatched the Los Angeles Lakers, 103-82, to advance to the Western Conference semifinals. Lakers center Dwight Howard, who was ejected from the game after getting two technical fouls, said after the game, “Gotcha! Oh, man, that was hilarious! Classic Howard. I was all like, ‘T me up! I totally want to never play basketball in a Lakers uniform again,’ and they totally did! Joke’s on them! I’m pranking people left and right! L.A. is Prank City!” When asked if this meant he was going to re-sign with L.A., Howard’s demeanor quickly shifted. “Absolutely not,” he said. “This has been the worst year of my life.”
  • Stephen Curry drained six 3-pointers as the Golden State Warriors beat the Denver Nuggets 115-101 in a pivotal Game 4. “Do I feel threatened by Curry? Absolutely not; my legacy is intact,” said TNT analyst Reggie Miller after the game. Miller then wiped the steam off his bathroom mirror and examined his temples. Were they grayer than the day prior? “Perhaps,” Miller said to himself, “but that just means you’re getting wiser. More mature. And some punk kid in Oakland can’t take that away from you.”
  • Matt Barkley headlined the final day of the NFL draft after the Philadelphia Eagles traded up to acquire him with the first pick of the fourth round. Current Eagles and former Oregon Ducks head coach Chip Kelly said of the pick, “I want to dispel rumors that I drafted Matt as some sort of punitive measure toward my former rival. And that I only took this job with the Eagles so that I could force Matt to play his entire career here, while also leaving him woefully unprepared, thus earning the full ire of the Philadelphia fan base. That’s not the only reason that I took this job. There are many reasons to do a thing in Philadelphia; spite is only one of three of them.”
  • In the final game of the NHL season, the Ottawa Senators beat the Boston Bruins, 4-2, to clinch the no. 7 seed in the Eastern Conference playoffs, setting up an all-Canada battle against the Montreal Canadiens. “We wanted to say that we believe that we, the Ottawa Senators, better represent Canada than those dastardly Canadiens from Montreal,” Daniel Alfredsson said after the game. “But unfortunately, only 57 percent of our clubhouse agreed with that sentiment, so instead we will say and do nothing. While I’m personally disappointed, I will say that the system worked. That’s how the Senators always have been, and that’s how we always will be.”
  • Robin van Persie was booed mercilessly in his first appearance at his former stomping grounds, but calmly slotted home a game-tying penalty as Manchester United drew Arsenal, 1-1. The Arsenal faithful did their part in jeering van Persie, who after years of quality play for his boyhood club, including a final season in which he singlehandedly kept the club in European play giving them the funds needed to replace his production, cashed in on the final few years of his prime by joining their third or fourth biggest rival for a large transfer fee. Van Persie’s actions, clearly villainous, are the worst thing that a Dutchman has done since that time I stayed in a hostel in Amsterdam and … actually … you know what … let’s just move on …
  • Kevin Harvick won a green-white-checkered overtime finish at Richmond International to take home his first Sprint Cup title of the season. “Things were crazy at the end,” Harvick explained after the race. “Two-lap restart. It was all like, car car car. Car car. Car. Car! Caaaaaaar car! Car, car car car? Car? Carrrrrrrr. Car car car. Car — car. Car. Car! Car! Car! CARRRRR! No cars? No cars! NO CARS! Totally crazy.”
  • Australian golf legend Greg Norman has come out against golf’s relaxed drug-testing standards, calling them “disgraceful.” “And I know something about disgraceful,” he said, gazing off into the distance as the wind whispered, “Augusta.” Norman then furrowed his brow and shook his head, saying, “What? That’s not what I’m talking about.” Then the wind responded, “A personal life that has wound up in the tabloids?” Norman again shook his head, and said, “Come on, mate. No, not that either.” The wind then whispered, “A cool nickname that became a line of tacky golf clothes sold at outlet malls in Barstow, California?” Norman nodded grimly.
  • The Detroit Tigers completed their sweep of the Atlanta Braves with an 8-3 victory at Comerica Park. Former Mariner Doug Fister, who earned the win to move to 4-0 on the season, said after the game, “Please don’t call me that.” When asked what, Fister glanced over his shoulders and whispered, “Former Mariner,” before saying, “We all make mistakes when we’re young. That’s how we learn. But some corners of the past,” Fister added with a shudder, “ought to allow themselves to be bathed in darkness.”
  • The Miami Heat advanced to the second round of the NBA playoffs, sweeping the Bucks with an 88-77 win in Milwaukee. The sweep brought out new emotions from Bucks forward J.J. Redick, emotions that he, as always, recorded in poem form. Once again, About Last Night has exclusive access to Redick’s poetry, so here is today’s exclusive entry:

    “Swept: April 28, 2013”

    How hard is it to sweep up tears,
    When all you’ve done is ball for years?
    Given everything you’ve got to the game.
    Didn’t do it for money, or girls, or fame.
    Did it so one day you’d play with the deer,
    Be able to stare down enemies; no fear.
    I’ve only felt sadness like this before once:
    Back at Duke I got called a dunce.
    Cried in my dorm room for three straight days,
    Before I was cheered up by the sun’s rays.
    Shoot. Rays. Allen. Rays. Shoot. Ray Allen. Ray.
    With Ray Allen and the Bucks was where I’d play.
    That was my destiny, I had to follow.
    My pride was like gum, I’d chew first then swallow.
    But now, I’m a Buck and Ray’s on the Heat.
    Fate is cruel, and hate is not sweet.
    So I’m asking again for the first time in years:
    How hard is it to sweep up tears?

Filed Under: About Last Weekend, Arsenal, Atlanta Braves, Boston Bruins, Denver Nuggets, Detroit Tigers, Golden State Warriors, Los Angeles Lakers, Manchester United, Matt Barkley, Miami Heat, Milwaukee Bucks, NBA Playoffs, NFL Draft, Ottawa Senators, Philadelphia Eagles, San Antonio Spurs, Stephen Curry

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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