About Last Weekend: The Blue, Blue Cubs

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.

  • Three-time Kentucky Derby winning jockey Calvin Borel was arrested Saturday night in Evansville, Indiana, for DWI. In a sad twist, his car was in such poor shape that the officer on duty had to shoot it on the scene.
  • Four LSU football players have hired a defense attorney after their alleged involvement in a bar fight. This is just the latest in a recent spate of embarrassments for big-time college football programs. While they wait for whatever punishment is forthcoming, analysts still aren’t sure who’s going to win the BCS national title game between Dartmouth and Toledo.
  • Yadier Molina’s two home runs led the Cardinals over the Cubs 6-2. St. Louis lost the series, though, and are now 8.5 games behind the Milwaukee Brewers in the NL Central. When asked about the deficit, this was Tony LaRussa’s actual quote: “It means is you survive and survive means you’re still alive.” He refused to elaborate, and also refused to say what kind of drink was inside the paper bag.
  • Jason Varitek hit a surprising triple to break a 5th-inning tie as the Red Sox won their weekend series with the Royals. It was the first triple for the light-hitting Varitek since he landed a triple axel at the team’s annual roller blade outing in April.
  • In preseason football, Plaxico Burress caught three passes, including one for a touchdown, as the Jets beat the Bengals 27-7. “To be honest, it feels like I never left,” he told reporters. “Just like Fidel Castro will probably never leave his seat of power in Cuba.” After being greeted by an awkward silence, Burress looked up in alarm. “What happened?!” he shouted. “Just tell me. What happened?!
  • An outfield assist by Austin Jackson sealed the Tigers’ 3-game sweep of the Indians. They now hold a 4.5 game lead over Cleveland, but Indian fans aren’t worried since their city’s teams usually have pretty good luck down the stretch.
  • A sore shoulder forced Wimbledon champion Novak Djokovic to retire in the finals of the Western and Southern Open against Andy Murray. After the match, Murray was a little disappointed at the sudden ending. “I was just about to start choking,” he said. “He didn’t even give me a chance.”
  • The first team from Montana to ever make the Little League World Series has now advanced to the semifinals with a 2-0 record. The team hopes their success will bring some attention to the state’s coal-fired power plants, which pollute the air every day with dangerous levels of mercury and threaten the local- AW, THEY’RE SO CUTE! KIDS!
  • A-Rod went 0-5 in his return from the DL, but Curtis Granderson hit an inside-the-park home run to lead the Yankees over Minnesota 3-0. A-Rod was mildly disappointed that he didn’t get a hit, but was still able to stare at a wallet-sized photograph of himself for more than an hour after the game.
  • Tim Hudson gave up just three hits over seven scoreless innings as the Braves finished a sweep of the Diamondbacks. “We had the two best teams from the West come to town and we took six of seven,” said Braves catcher Brian McCann. “Though it was kinda sad that both teams had to borrow our gloves every half inning.”
  • The Giants crept back to within 1.5 games in the NL West when Pablo Sandoval’s 11th-inning homer gave them a 6-4 win against the Astros Sunday. As the ball sailed over the fence, San Francisco reliever Brian Wilson shouted, “Houston, you have a problem!” Teammates reported that it was the 17th time he made the same exact joke that weekend.

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Filed Under: About Last Weekend, Alex Rodriguez, Arizona Diamondbacks, Boston Red Sox, Chicago Cubs, Cincinnati Bengals, Kansas City Royals, LSU, New York Jets, New York Yankees, Novak Djokovic, San Francisco Giants, Shane Ryan, St. Louis Cardinals

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere