About Last Weekend: Tebow’s Personal Rapture

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.

  • In his greatest act of humility yet, Tim Tebow threw for just nine completions and 136 yards as the New England Patriots crushed the Denver Broncos 45-10. The most awkward part of the game came when Bill Belichick demanded that Tebow acknowledge his own mediocrity as a quarterback, saying he had the power to blow him out or give him a close, honorable defeat, and Tebow was like, “You could have no power at all against me unless it had been give you from above, therefore the one who delivered me to you has the greatest sin,” and Broncos head coach John Fox was like, “hey, wackos, leave me out of this.”

  • Eli Manning threw for 330 yards and three touchdowns, and the Giants defense made life miserable for Aaron Rodgers and the Packers in a stunning 37-20 upset at Lambeau Field. It was an impressive outing for the Giants, but I can’t help but wonder how well they might have played if the entire team hadn’t quit on head coach Tom Coughlin in Week 10.
  • UNC alum T.J. Yates threw three interceptions as the Houston Texans fell to Baltimore 20-13. *Ahem* Looks like the Ravens defense said “nevermore,” and sent Yates slouching toward Houston! Poetry is hip, daddy-o! (Full disclosure: The Organization of American Poets paid me $3,000 to use this space. Sorry.)
  • Alex Smith led a stirring comeback and threw the game-winning touchdown pass to Vernon Davis with nine seconds remaining in a 36-32 win over Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints. If I had my guess, I’d say this is the last time anybody’s going to disrespect … wait, what was his first name again?
  • Russell Westbrook hit two late three-pointers to lead Oklahoma City past the Boston Celtics, 97-88. Man, that Westbrook is quite the player! So valuable to his team! So valuable. (Full Disclosure: Westbrook paid me $3,000 not to mention Kevin Durant’s name in this joke … oh, s—.)
  • Derek Fisher nailed the game-winning three with 3.1 seconds on the clock as the Lakers topped the Mavericks in a low-scoring 73-70 affair. Both Fisher and Mavs guard Jason Kidd were glad the game didn’t go to overtime, giving them more time to play dominoes on the sidewalk before they nodded off to Lawrence Welk reruns.
  • The no. 7 Kansas Jayhawks, behind Thomas Robinson’s 27 points and 14 rebounds, handed the no. 3 Baylor Bears their first loss of the season, 92-74. After the game, Baylor head coach Scott Drew was chased out of town by angry locals after he sold them boxes of “Drew’s miracle cure-all elixir,” a potion designed to “cure any disease yet known to man and a few that ain’t.”
  • With an upset imminent and 14 seconds remaining, UNC head coach Roy Williams exited the court at Florida State with his starters and key reserves for safety reasons, leaving five reserves/walk-ons to finish the game and face the onslaught of FSU fans. Now, he’s claiming he never realized the five walk-ons were still on the court. The story seemed a little dubious at first, but picked up a huge endorsement when Joe Paterno called it “totally believable.”
  • Lenzelle Smith Jr. scored 28 points, doubling his previous career high, as the no. 5 Ohio State Buckeyes topped the no. 8 Indiana Hoosiers in Columbus, 80-63. Indiana has had such a rough time on the road this season that head coach Tom Crean plans to trick his team into thinking they’re always at home by setting up elaborate street signs near the opposing stadium and blindfolding them for the rest of the trip.
  • Havre de Grace, a filly from Kentucky, won Horse of the Year at the Eclipse Awards. Finishing last in the category was Favre de Grace, a former thoroughbred from Mississippi who kept showing up unwanted at major races and who everyone agrees should be a gelding.

I’m thrilled to report that the second ever Participation Friday resulted in even more participation than the first. I asked you to send in your favorite bizarre law, and the e-mails poured in over the weekend. Many Grantland readers are experts on the legality of various sexual acts in each of the fifty states, and a good number also pointed out that Kentucky residents are required to bathe at least once a year (“Unless your name is John Calipari,” says Alex S., “because we wouldn’t want that gallon of hair gel he uses to go to waste.”). Thanks for the heads-up on both accounts.

As usual, keep in mind that I have not bothered to check whether any of these are true. We’ll begin, in what appears to be a blossoming tradition, with some jokes about an old dear friend.

    Bonus 1: Unnecessary Shots at Rex Ryan
    A. In Texas, it is illegal to walk barefoot without a permit. Luckily for Rex Ryan, he’s not the brother with a job in Texas.
    — Jeff P.
    B. Fortunately for Rex Ryan, whale hunting is strictly illegal in his home state of Oklahoma.
    — Nick G.
    Bonus 2: Oh, Kentucky
    A. No person shall sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange, display, or possess living baby chicks, ducklings, or other fowl or rabbits which have been dyed or colored.
    — David F.
    B. In my home state of Kentucky it is illegal to carry ice cream in your back pocket. It is designed to prevent horse snatching.
    — Trevor L.
    Top Ten
    10. San Diego city ordinance 104-28C states that a $500 fine will be given to anyone who detonates a nuclear device within city limits.
    — Seth S.
    9. In Alabama, the Public Intoxication laws have an odd exception: They do not apply if one is in a group of four or more wearing formal dress (tails). Explanation: The genteel of old Alabama wanted drunkards off the street; however, they also had a habit of getting rip-roaring drunk at parties and didn’t want to get arrested on the way home. Therefore, exception.
    — Gustavo S.
    8. (Tie) In the town of Normal, IL you are not allowed to make faces at dogs.
    — Samuel B.
    In Zion, Illinois, it is against the law to give a lit cigar to a dog, cat, or any other domestic animal.
    — Todd E.
    7. In York, England it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a crossbow upon seeing one, except for on Sundays. However any Scotsman caught drunk or with a weapon can still be shot on a Sunday, except with a bow and arrow.
    — Graeme M.
    6. In Dublin, Geogia it is explicitly stated that it is illegal to drive through a playground
    — Sam D.
    5. In Saudi Arabia, man are banned from walking their dogs, to prevent them from flirting with women.
    — Mark S.
    4. In the STL, it is actually illegal for a fire fighter to rescue a woman wearing a nightgown.
    — Jordan C.
    3. It the city of Memphis, TN when a woman is driving on the road a man must walk in front of the car ringing a bell as a warning to the other drivers on the streets.
    — Alex F.
    2. Massachusetts has a law dating back to 1792 known as the “Haunted House Law.” Under the terms of this law, a buyer of a house can rescind the purchase within one year of the purchase date if he or she can prove with “clear and convincing evidence” that the house is haunted. The last home buyer to successfully invoke the protections of this law was Patrick Callahan, who in 1964 used a rudimentary video camera to capture footage of “The Ghost of St. Tristan’s.”
    — Sandy B.
    1. Indiana code 31-11-1-2: Two (2) individuals may not marry each other if the individuals are more closely related than second cousins. However, two (2) individuals may marry each other if the individuals are:
    (1) first cousins; and
    (2) both at least sixty-five (65) years of age.
    Boom. Old incest. Come strike when the iron is hot.
    — Daniel P.

Filed Under: About Last Weekend, Alex Smith, Baltimore Ravens, Baylor, Denver Broncos, Eli Manning, Florida State, Houston Texans, Los Angeles Lakers, New England Patriots, New York Giants, Oklahoma City Thunder, San Francisco 49Ers, Tim Tebow

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere