About Last Weekend: Shrunk-Down Giants

In case you were busy building something with your hands, ensconced in the majesty of nature, allowing the last rays of summer sun to shine down upon your shirtless back, like a nerd, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:

  • In a Sunday night NFC East battle, the Dallas Cowboys forced six turnovers en route to a 36-31 win over the New York Giants. Eli Manning was dejected after the game, saying, “I haven’t had that many turnovers since Peyton was like, ‘Eli, eat all of mom’s turnovers before Archie gets back from work. He’ll think it’s so funny.'” Eli shook his head, and added sadly, “He didn’t. Old man didn’t even notice. No one ever notices Eli. No one’ll ever care about Eli.”
  • In the last scheduled meeting between two longtime rivals, Michigan outlasted the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame, 41-30, in Ann Arbor. “I mean, I never like losing, but it’s not like they’re really our rival,” said Notre Dame fan Ashley O’Connell through a tightly clenched jaw. “I mean it’s not like USC, or, um, Stanford; how are the Wolverines possibly our rival?” O’Connell went on to ask as she unconsciously gnawed on her already mangled thumbnail. “Really though, we have no rivals, so any loss is meaningless.” O’Connell, satisfied with this line of reasoning, allowed herself a smile for the first time in 24 hours, as blood streamed out of both her ears.
  • The New York Jets kept it close before eventually succumbing to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers 18-17 … wait … hold on … the Jets won? The Jets won 18-17? Oh god, no! The prophecy is coming true! Gather bottled water, hearty seeds, and rechargeable batteries and meet me in the flats of Alberta on December 31 at 0200 hours. We’ll build a shelter that we expand to survive the inevitable coming of the end times together. DO NOT INVITE MARK SANCHEZ. I repeat. DO NOT INVITE MARK SANCHEZ.
  • The only blowout winner in a highly competitive Week 1 in the NFL was surprisingly the new-look Kansas City Chiefs, who beat the Jacksonville Jaguars 28-2. However, the only blowout loser in a highly competitive Week 1 in the NFL was very, very, very unsurprisingly the same-look Jacksonville Jaguars, who fell to the Kansas City Chiefs 28-2.
  • Serena Williams overcame gusty conditions and her best opposition of the tournament at Flushing Meadows before winning her fifth U.S. Open singles title, beating Victoria Azarenka 7-5, 6-7 (6), 6-1. When asked if she had any regrets about her dominant run, Serena immediately answered, “Dropping that second set today. I mean, that’s an extra hour I was in Queens. That’s not good for my lungs, man, not good. Not good at all.”
  • San Francisco showed why it remains a top Super Bowl contender, winning a physical battle with the Green Bay Packers, 34-28, behind the newly minted Colin Kaepernick–to–Anquan Boldin connection. Kaepernick spoke highly of his new receiver after the game, saying, “Finally, I’m playing with a bona fide Super Bowl winner, instead of all of the Super Bowl losers on my team.” Kaepernick then looked around him and shook his head grimly and said, “What a bunch of losers they are,” before catching sight of his own face in a mirror. After a moment puzzling over his own face, the 49ers star quarterback gasped and said, “Wait, is that me? Is that the face of a Super Bowl loser I glimpse before me?” before putting on a Ravens hat and breathing a deep sigh of relief.
  • The University of Miami Hurricanes forced five turnovers en route to a 21-16 win over the Florida Gators. “We promise things’ll be better next week,” Florida head coach Will Muschamp said. “We might try a walk-on who just made himself available for our football team at the quarterback position by the name of Tim Tebow … wait, I meant to disguise his name, hold on … Tim Tebow … shit, why isn’t switching the first letters of his first and last name working … OK, one last try, Tim … this isn’t starting well … Teeee … damn it … bow … Tim Tebow. Damn it!” A dejected Muschamp then said, “Well, I guess things won’t be better next week, because it’s not like Liz Creek is worth cheating for.”
  • Costa Rica ended the U.S. men’s national team’s 12-match winning streak with a 3-1 victory over a depleted American side in San Jose. Despite the comparatively pleasant weather conditions, the win provided a fitting modicum of revenge for the Costa Ricans after their controversial defeat against America in a March game marred by blizzard-like conditions. As the local Costa Rican saying goes, “Revenge is a dish best served kinda hot and damp.”
  • Jay Bruce became only the second left-hander to hit two home runs off Dodger starter Clayton Kershaw in a game, as the Cincinnati Reds completed an unlikely sweep of Los Angeles with a 3-2 win on Sunday night. Despite his heroics, Bruce again refused a curtain call, convinced the fans in the crowd chanting “Bruce” in his honor were actually chanting the name of Reds outfielder Shin-Soo Choo.
  • Derek Jeter is once again on the shelf, and closer Mariano Rivera blew his seventh save of the year, but New York avoided a sweep at the hands of the Boston Red Sox when Ichiro Suzuki scored on a wild pitch to give the Yankees a 4-3 win on Sunday. “We won. Everything’s fine, what do you want?” asked Brian Cashman, who had tattooed an ankle on his left cheek, when manager Joe Girardi came into his office. Girardi, taken aback, could only lower his gaze and ask when he could expect the captain back. “I don’t know, Joe,” Cashman spat back. “I don’t even know what’s wrong with him anymore.” Girardi nodded obsequiously, but Cashman laid into him. “How would I know what’s wrong with Derek? Huh? I don’t remember anything anymore, how the hell do you think I would remember that.” As Girardi walked away from his screaming boss, Cashman caught a glimpse of his face in the mirror, and said, “Wait, is that me? Is that the ankle of a World Series hero I glimpse before me?”

Filed Under: About Last Weekend, Boston Red Sox, Cincinnati Reds, Dallas Cowboys, Derek Jeter, Eli Manning, Green Bay Packers, Jacksonville Jaguars, Kansas City Chiefs, Los Angeles Dodgers, New York Giants, New York Jets, New York Yankees, Notre Dame, San Francisco 49Ers, Serena Williams, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, U.S. Open

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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