In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- The Rays won three of four games in Boston to trim the Red Sox wild-card lead to two games. Seven of the Rays’ last ten games are against the Yankees, and if they win the majority, they have a great chance to overtake the Red Sox for the last playoff spot. “Man,” said Yankee manager Joe Girardi, “that would be rough. You’d hate to see something like that.” In related news, his next four starting pitchers are Nick Swisher, Jorge Posada, Posada’s mother, and a fan who won a contest.
- Matt Ryan (4 touchdown passes) and Michael Turner (114 rushing yards) led the Falcons over the Eagles 35-31 in a thrilling Sunday night game. Michael Vick, returning to face his former team, had to leave with a concussion. “Concussions,” said a sympathetic Ryan, who had insisted before the game that Vick try a Gatorade substitute he brewed himself. “The scourge of the game, if you ask me.”
- Justin Verlander pitched eight scoreless innings to earn his 24th win and all but lock up the Cy Young Award as the Tigers beat the As 3-0. Later this week, he could become the first pitcher since Bob Welch in 1990 to win 25 games. That milestone would probably cement Verlander’s legendary status, because who can forget the great Bob Welch?
- The Oklahoma Sooners defended their no. 1 ranking with a 23-13 road win against Florida State. “Thank God we won,” said quarterback Landry Jones. “Otherwise, it would have been a loooong covered-wagon ride home.”
- The Miami Hurricanes put on a defensive show at home to top Ohio St. 24-6. When reached for comment, Satan said that regardless of the result, both teams were winners in his book.
- Cam Newton threw for over 400 yards for the second straight game, but the Packers topped the Panthers 30-23. “I still love you, Cam!” screamed Satan.
- The Buffalo Bills scored 35 second-half points to overcome an 18-point deficit and beat the Raiders 38-35. Satan was supposed to be at the game to ensure a Raiders victory, but decided at the last minute that Buffalo was just too unpleasant.
- Matt Stafford threw four touchdown passes to lead the Detroit Lions to the largest win in franchise history, 48-3 over the Chiefs. After the game, Chiefs head coach Todd Haley went off by himself, did some soul searching, and realized that he wasn’t screaming at his players enough.
- Adrian Beltre’s two-run homer off the Mariners’ Felix Hernandez helped the Rangers preserve their 4.5-game lead over the Angels with a 3-0 win. According to the game story, Beltre “playfully jawed with Hernandez as he approached home plate.” After the game, Hernandez playfully promised to hit Beltre with a playful fastball in his playful f$%*ing head the next time they met.
- Big East schools Syracuse and Pittsburgh reached an agreement with the ACC to join the conference in the near future. After the papers were signed, Syracuse president Nancy Cantor timidly asked if the new conference could be called the “Big ACC.” When told that the answer was no, she asked if maybe they could put the “Big” in parentheses, or if she could at least tell her friends that she was in the Big ACC.
- Lexi Thompson, 16, became the youngest winner of an LPGA event in history when she won the Navistar Classic Sunday. Thompson said her favorite parts of winning were the respect from her fellow golfers, the prize money, and the immediate congratulatory phone call from Tiger Woods.
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