About Last Weekend: Perfection Interrupted
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- The Green Bay Packers are no longer undefeated. The Kansas City Chiefs, playing for interim coach Romeo Crennel after Todd Haley was fired, won 19-14 at home on the strength of Kyle Orton’s 299 yards passing. “I don’t want to blame the loss totally on the death of Kim Jong-Il,” Aaron Rodgers said afterward, “but suffice it to say we all had a lot of mixed emotions to sort out.”
- Tom Brady threw for 320 yards and two touchdowns as the New England Patriots beat Tim Tebow and the Denver Broncos 41-23. Thanks a lot, Belichick. You’ve shown once again that miracles aren’t possible, and this time you did it right in time for Christmas. What am I supposed to tell my kids? I don’t have kids, but I’m asking on behalf of all Americans. More to the point, what am I supposed to do with these 300 Tebow jerseys I’ve ordered? I can’t sign a fake autograph and sell them to rich families now, can I? The value has just deteriorated, man.
- With two games left in the season, Drew Brees is just 304 yards away from breaking Dan Marino’s single-season passing yards mark after a 42-20 Saints win over the Vikings. Unfortunately, according to North Korean propaganda pamphlets released after the game, he’s still about 4,078,325 yards shy of Kim-Jong Il’s all-time record.
- Brett Baer hit a 50-yard field goal as time expired to give Louisiana-Lafayette a 32-30 win over San Diego State in the R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl. Unfortunately, it led to a rather unsettling headline in the local paper: ‘RAGIN’ CAJUNS SHOCK AZTECS WITH BAER LEG.’
- The Gildan New Mexico Bowl was an utter blowout, with Temple routing Wyoming 37-15. “Maybe we need more temples in our state,” said Wyoming governor Matt Mead.
- Ohio earned its first bowl victory ever with a last-minute touchdown in the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, defeating Utah State 24-23 and creating this future dialogue:
Ohio player: Hey, we won a bowl game! It’s the first time in school history!
Fan: Amazing! What bowl was it again?
Ohio player: 24-23. A real thriller.
Fan: Fantastic. Did you say what bowl it was?
Ohio player: Yeah, last-minute touchdown and everything. We looked dead to rights.
Fan: Sorry, which bowl was-
Ohio player: IT DOESN’T MATTER, DOES IT?! COULD BE ANY BOWL. IT’S A WIN. ACCEPT IT.
- With standout point guard Tu Holloway and two other starters suspended for last week’s bench-clearing brawl with Cincinnati, shorthanded Xavier (no. 9) lost to Oral Roberts, 64-42. Ahhh, it’s just like that creepo Oral Roberts to take advantage of someone when they’re incapacitated, isn’t it? I don’t know who that is, but come on, look at that name. You wouldn’t want to see him at 4 a.m. outside a night club, with his slick hair and $10 smile, offering you a glass of water and a ride wherever you need to go.
- Despite some early struggles, no. 1 Syracuse used 22 points from Dion Walters to beat N.C. State 88-72 in Raleigh. And I just hope they didn’t succumb to the temptations of the Raleigh party scene afterward. Otherwise, they’ve probably been duped into buying season passes to some kind of amateur performing arts theater, and trust me, those are non-refundable.
- Mike Moser put up a double-double (17 points, 11 boards) as UNLV handed no. 19 Illinois its first loss of the year, 64-48. On the bright side for the Illini, they’ve successfully grabbed the team-that-is-ranked-despite-being-absolute-shit baton from the football program.
- As of Sunday, 17 have been arrested in an Italian soccer match-fixing scandal. Police video shows that at the time of arrest, all 17 grimaced dramatically, threw their hands to the sky as they collapsed to the floor, and began moaning in pain while gripping various body parts.
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