In case you were busy forgoing your senior year of eligibility to enter the NFL draft, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:
- A last-second Phil Dawson field goal gave the San Francisco 49ers a 23-20 win over the Packers at freezing Lambeau Field, setting up an NFC divisional showdown with the Carolina Panthers. “Baby, it was cold outside,” a triumphant 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh said after the game. “But I stayed warm inside. Through the power of song.” When asked what he was talking about, Harbaugh sang under his breath, “Doo doo doo doo, mind if I move in closer? Doo doo doo doo, what’s the sense in hurting my pride? Buh buh buh buh, baby it’s cold outside. Buh buh buh buh buh, oh, but it’s cold outside.” Harbaugh then shook his head, apologized, and said, “That really goes way better when my brother John’s around.”
- Andrew Luck and the Indianapolis Colts overturned a 28-point deficit to win, 45-44, and send the Kansas City Chiefs to another early playoff exit. “I’m really surprised that Andy Reid and the Kansas City Chiefs lost a heartbreaking playoff game,” said no one anywhere after the game. Nobody on earth then added, “And Alex Smith wasn’t able to close it out either? How is that even possible? Also, I can’t believe that Andrew Luck shook off a poor first half to put together a clutch come-from-behind effort.” Finally, literally no one then smiled at their TV and said, “Oh, man, when is that I, Frankenstein coming out? That looks phenomenal!”
- The most dominant win of the NFL’s wild-card weekend belonged to Philip Rivers and the surprising San Diego Chargers, who posted a 27-10 win over the Cincinnati Bengals. “Rivers misses us, right?” former Chargers running back LaDanian Tomlinson texted his former head coach Norv Turner, as he watched the game from at home. “If only there were a prevent defense for the tears,” Turner tried to message back from his BlackBerry, only to find that he had somehow already run out of data for the month.
- Ohio State fell to Clemson, 40-35, in the Orange Bowl, as the Buckeyes lost only their second game of head coach Urban Meyer’s tenure. “Two losses in a row is baloney,” Meyer said after the game. “And that baloney has a first name: It’s U-R-B-A-N. That baloney has a second name: It’s M-E-Y-E-R.” When asked what he was talking about, Meyer shrugged, did a Johnny Manziel “show me the money” gesture, and hopped into his brand-new gold-plated Wienermobile before driving off into the sunset.
- LeBron James had 30 points as the Miami Heat cooled off the surprising Toronto Raptors with a 102-97 win. The game once again proved that the only thing that can slow down a red-hot pack of raptors is a Tyrannosaurus Rex, or, barring that, Heat forward Chris Bosh, who looks like a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
- San Diego State snapped the Kansas Jayhawks’ 68-game nonconference home winning streak with a 61-57 victory at Allen Fieldhouse. However, the Jayhawks’ record nonconference non–San Diego State home winning streak remains at an impressive 68 games despite the loss to San Diego State.
- Dennis Rodman announced that a team of former NBA players will participate in a North Korean basketball exhibition. The squad, which will include Doug Christie, Kenny Anderson, Cliff Robinson, and Vin Baker, was coincidentally also North Korean leader Kim Jong-un’s record-breaking 2000 fantasy basketball squad, a team that triumphed when each member of that quintet averaged a triple-double for the duration of the 1999-2000 season. And if that doesn’t sound right to you, head down to the Pyongyang Public Library’s microfiche department and look up The Pyongyang Times NBA box scores for yourself. Do it. I think you’ll find the facts speak louder than your memories of watching Rodman’s brief stint with the Mavericks in 2000.
- Manchester United dropped another home match, this time crashing out of the FA Cup with a 2-1 loss to Swansea City. “My seat may appear hot to some,” United manager David Moyes said after the match, “but I’m keeping cool with the power of song.” When asked what he was talking about, Moyes sang under his breath, “The Moyes are back in town, Moyes are back in town. Bah-diddly doo doo. Bah-diddly doo doo,” before shaking his head and adding, “I’m so fired, aren’t I?”