About Last Weekend: Novak-olades!

KnicksIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.

  • Jeremy Lin had 28 points and 14 assists, and his teammate Steve Novak scored 14 fourth-quarter points as the Knicks beat the defending champion Dallas Mavericks 104-97. Hey-oh, looks like we need to hand out some Novak-olades, am I right?! Come on, let’s spread it around! Novak-olades! The next big thing. It’s going to be great, we just have to get Novak-climated! Wait, where’s everyone going? Are we Novak-uating? Mom? Dad?
  • Kobe Bryant ripped Lakers management for the way they’ve handled the potential Pau Gasol trade, saying: “If they’re going to do something, I wish they would just (expletive) do it.” Bryant added that he felt the same way about war with China. “Let’s get it on!” he shouted crazily.
  • Kevin Durant scored 51 points, Russell Westbrook tallied 40, and Serge Ibaka recorded a triple-double as the Thunder beat the Nuggets 124-118 in overtime. Lost in the celebration of these personal feats was the fact that Thunder reserve Nick Collison set an NBA record for most hiccups in a game while stumbling over his own feet, with 37.5.
  • Bill Haas nailed a 45-foot birdie putt on the second playoff hole to beat Phil Mickelson and Keegan Bradley and win the Northern Trust Open at Riviera. The ending became a bit awkward, however, when Tiger Woods, who was not even playing in the tournament, set off a series of explosions in a maniacal attempt to kill what he called a “gopher,” but was clearly Mickelson.
  • Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett admitted that he’d made “lapses in judgment” in the clubhouse last season, when he was accused of drinking on off days. “The alcohol content of the beer was far too high,” he told reporters. “And this year, I think I’ve matured and realized that it’s not a race to see how fast I can finish.”
  • The A.J. Burnett trade has been finalized. The Yankees will receive two low-level prospects from the Pirates, and also pay the lion’s share (more than $18 million) of Burnett’s remaining contract. Due to a strange clause in the trade, Burnett’s collection of confederate flags will somehow end up with the Minnesota Twins.
  • Freshman phenom Trey Burke scored 17 points as no. 19 Michigan beat no. 6 Ohio State, 56-51. Once again, Buckeye fans were upset at Thad Matta’s conservative tactics, which included a lot of runs up the middle and not a single forward pass.
  • New Mexico earned its second victory over a ranked opponent in 48 hours, beating no. 11 UNLV 65-45 on Drew Gordon’s 27 points and 20 rebounds. I hate to say I told you so, but back in 1912, I warned you guys that if we let them become a state, pretty soon they’d be taking liberties. One hundred years later and ole Shane doesn’t look so stupid, does he?
  • Isaiah Canaan scored 23 points in a BracketBusters battle as no. 14 Murray State topped no. 16 Saint Mary’s 65-51. Along with Kentucky and Syracuse, Murray State is one of only three teams in Division I with a single loss. “I’m honored to be in the same company as men like Jim Boeheim and John Calipari,” Murray State coach Steve Prohm said. “Sort of.”

We had our best turnout yet for Participation Friday last week, and now it’s time for Revelation Monday. Inspired by Game of Thrones, I asked for your personal “motto,” and man, a lot of you folks went straight to sexual. But who am I to judge? These are short, so we’ll go all out with a Top 15 instead of the usual Top 10. Some are funny, some are serious, and others I just liked for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint. This was a weird category.

Bonus 1

I bet this dude has the world’s most self-satisfied smirk:
“Finding worth in C-List Internet writers re-posting my mundane witticisms!”

— Bryan L.

Bonus 2

Unnecessary shots at Rex Ryan (it’s back!) and John Calipari:
Rex Ryan: “Never full enough.”

— Ryan F.

Kentucky: “A Calipari always vacates his wins.”

— James F.

The Top 15

15. A few weeks ago, I was in a conversation with a stranger at a Starbucks when he asked me something that I didn’t understand. I smiled and nodded, to be polite. He then bent down, took the sandal off of my foot (I live in Georgia), and smelled it. After that he just went on with casual conversation and handed me my sandal as if this wasn’t weird.

Motto: “Never give permission if you don’t know what’s going on and revoke it if a dude reaches for your foot”

— Sam D.

14. When I really lay my soul bare, my motto would have to be: “I think I might be getting a cold. (Or is there maybe a carbon monoxide leak?)”

— Ben S.

13. “Never presume malice while stupidity is still available as an explanation.”

— James H.

12. “Iactus pumilionus est: The dwarf is cast.”

— Juanita A.

11. “OWN YOUR CREVICES”

It signifies the need to fully dry off after a shower as to prevent skin irritation.

— Adam E. (The explanation just raises more questions.)

10. “Guff Is A Four Letter Word”

— Brian Y.

9. “Live life by the Loophole.”

— Chris D.

8. “Eating BBQ until the Pain Goes Away.”

— Annie D.

7. “Hold my beer, I’ma try somethin’.”

— Graham R.

6. “Keep the stupid on your side. The smart can do the math.”

— Joshua M.

5. “Trying not to soil ourselves”

— Jon B.

4. “AS HANDSOME AS THE DAY IS LONG”

— Jonathan F.

3. “Sent from my iPhone”

— Jerry B. (No idea if this was a real submission or an accidental blank e-mail.)

2. “Fat meat be greasy.”

The 12-piece bucket with mashed potatoes and 3 side biscuits is a super tasty meal, but we all know that it will likely never fully leave your body. Therefore, this motto applies to things that are enjoyable now but you know aren’t good for you and will ultimately burn you in the long run.

— Seth in Conway, Arkansas (Yes, THE Seth in Conway, Arkansas.)

1. “Riding the wave of uncertainty.”

Honestly, I don’t know what I am doing. I know I have to pay the bills and keep my kid fed and my wife happy. I know that I have to go to work and see my in-laws once a month and remember birthdays, but I’m really just along for the ride. I don’t know why my wife married me, and I don’t know how I stay employed. I am literally taking advantage of the fact that no has their shit together enough to realize I am useless.

— Travis D.

Travis gets the top spot more for the explanation than the motto, but I like the honesty. We’re all riding that wave, and winter is coming.

Previous Participation Fridays:

Filed Under: About Last Weekend, Boston Red Sox, Dallas Mavericks, Jeremy Lin, Kevin Durant, Kobe Bryant, Michigan, New York Knicks, Ohio State, Pau Gasol, Russell Westbrook

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere