About Last Weekend: Not-So-Great Scott
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- Adam Scott bogeyed the last four holes in an epic major collapse, and Ernie Els sunk a birdie putt on 18 to win the British Open by a single stroke. “Looks like I’ve got a new friend,” said a smiling Jean Van de Velde, who then struggled furiously to get out of the straitjacket he’s been wearing for over a decade, screaming “friend!” in a terrifying, high-pitched voice, as orderlies rushed in to shut off the television.
- Miguel Cabrera hit the 300th home run of his career as the Tigers beat the White Sox 6-4 to sweep the weekend series and take the AL Central lead. “Hey, nice job, Miggy,” said brave Tigers ace Justin Verlander. “We’re all really proud of you.” He then raced out of the clubhouse to sob in his car, knowing he’ll never hit 300 home runs.
- Penn State president Rodney Erickson had the 900-pound statue of Joe Paterno removed from outside Beaver Stadium on Saturday. “There goes my only rival,” said Rex Ryan, watching the statue fall to the ground while tears ran down his face. “Wait a second,” said the site foreman, “you don’t work for me. Who are you? And why are you wearing that Halloween construction worker’s outfit?”
- In a potential preview of an Olympic matchup, Manu Ginobli’s 23 points were not quite enough as Argentina fell 86-80 in an exhibition game against the United States. Carlos Delfino (15 points) and Luis Scola (14 points) played strong games for the Argentines, but their inability to close under pressure, which dogged them in the bronze medal finish of ’08 and prevented them from defending the glorious gold of 2004, continues to plague La Albiceleste. Whether head coach Julio Lamas can lead la generacion dorada (golden generation) back to Olympic glory will largely determine his legacy in Argentine sports, and could decide if he’ll ever be inducted into the notoriously exclusive Basketball Hall of Fame in Buenos Aires.
- Ryan Zimmerman hit two home runs to help the Nationals beat the Braves 9-2 and maintain a 3.5-game lead in the NL East with a series split. “Now you know why my buddies call me homerin’ Ryan Z,” said Zimmerman, who doesn’t have buddies. “Always hitting bombs to split the series. Splittin’ Ryan Z, they say. Split the series, maintain the lead. Maintainin’ Ryan Z. The maintenance man. Their words, not mine. You’ve heard ‘em.” He then went on to list more of his supposed nicknames, including Dreamboat, The Galloping Ghost, Teacup, Doctor Slam MD, Ichiro, The Phone Book, Parlez-Vous, The Stallion of the Cimarron, Poppo Gloppo, Horatio Alger, Patriot, The Yellow Pages, Fantana the Whipping Boy, Iffy Collins, The Nobel Peace Prize, Reinhold the Daft, Sensible Edwin, and Jacksie.
- Lions cornerback Aaron Berry was arrested for the second time this offseason, and now faces three charges of simple assault in his hometown of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. I know what you’re all thinking, and no, I’m not going to take down the 900-pound statue of Aaron Berry from the foot of my bed. He’s done too much for this household, and saved me from too many doomed relationships with girls who can’t live with a simple statue watching over them while they sleep.
- Barry Larkin and Ron Santo were inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame on Sunday. “I only ever started playing baseball as a sort of goof to make my friends laugh,” said Larkin, whose full name is Barry “Larkin’” Laredo.
- Seth Smith hit a game-tying home run in the ninth and Coco Crisp followed it up with a walk-off single as the Oakland A’s became the first team to sweep the Yankees in a four-game series since 2003 with a 5-4 win. Oakland is now tied for the second wild-card spot, and when reporters asked Billy Beane how he’s created such a strong team on a shoestring budget, he shrugged. “I pretty much gave up,” he said, “and then I started signing guys whose first and last name started with the same letter. Everyone was going, ‘Billy, you’re going nuts,’ and they were right. Those were dark days. Hey, that’s another one: Dark Days. If there was a ballplayer with that name, he’d be on Oakland right now. Unless he was any good.”
- Wins by Angels ace Jered Weaver and Rangers rookie Yu Darvish led to a Sunday night rubber game, which the Angels won 7-4 on home runs by Albert Pujols and Bobby Wilson. Okay, we’ve been talking with Terrence the Grantland Robot, who was training to take my job before he got depressed, and he’s promised to start telling jokes and stop with the weird art. So, take it away Terrence: “BLAHBITY BLAHBITY BLAH. BASEBALL SCHMASEBALL, SO IMPORTANT. SO CRUCIAL. GROW UP, IDIOTS. THERE ARE REAL PROBLEMS IN THIS WORLD. PEOPLE ARE DYING, AND YOU SAD LITTLE MAN-BOYS ARE STUCK IN CHILDHOOD CARING ABOUT A STUPID GAME. GOD, YOU PEOPLE DISGUST ME.” (Sorry about that. Terrence is still a little raw from a rough romantic experience.)
- Bradley Wiggins became the first British man to win the Tour de France, securing the triumph with a time trial stage win on Saturday. “Very common, this bike riding. Very American,” said Queen Elizabeth. “Very regrettable indeed,” agreed Prince William. “I thought it was actually pretty coo —” began Prince Charles, before Prince Harry burst into the room drunk and angry, shouting, “bloody stinking cockney filth! I’ll skewer his bollocks and brains on a handlebar and parade him before the dozy Welsh!” Everyone kind of went silent after that, until Prince William was like, “Jesus, Harry, none of us like cyclists, but that was a bit much.”